Reflecting over the last year..........

Here it is New Year's Eve 2013....already.  I sit here and reflect over the last year, and I realize that even though it has been a tough year, we've been REALLY blessed.

We've moved twice, made a trip back to Illinois to see friends and family, I got 2 new jobs, we got two new (to us) vehicles, the kids have grown by leaps and bounds, I joined MOPS, and a Bible study that I adore attending, we lost Hubby's uncle, gained a new member to the family (well, not completely yet, but soon), gained friends, possibly lost some, enjoyed time with family, had some tense moments, but over all....it was a GOOD year.  Things were definitely (and still are) stressful, but hey.....life wouldn't be life if it wasn't stressful.

There are lots of decisions that we have to make here in the next couple of weeks, that will definitely change a lot of things for us...but, hopefully it will be for the better, and will remove some of the stress that I feel on a daily basis. 

We're going to head to my parents house tomorrow for some good quality time, and some awesome food.  My mom got a fresh ham, we'll be having mashed potatoes and who knows what else with it. :) I know she's going to have dip and snacks and veggies, so it'll definitely be yummy.  I'll probably gain 10 lbs. :P

But, for now, I'm going to sit in my comfy clothes and watch Sister Wives.

Light, love and Sister Wives.

Christmas parties, sickness, and The Sing-Off

Tonight was the Christmas party for the gas station that I work at.  We went to a local restaurant for dinner, goodies, and a gift exchange.  Dinner was AH-MAZING, as usual from this place.  We all got goodies for our stockings (which were left hung up at the store) which consisted of a crap-ton of candy that my fat butt doesn't need (but I'm gonna eat it anyways!), a couple pens, pencils, a coloring book and crayons, some more candy, Play-Doh, and some chapstick.  Then when everyone was done eating, we moved onto the gift exchange.  We did a Chinese gift exchange...you draw numbers, pick a present and if someone wants to steal what you opened, they can.  Then if your gift gets stolen, you either steal someone else's or pick a new one.  It was good fun.  I ended up with a $25 Starbucks gift card, which I am COMPLETELY happy with.  I LOVE Starbucks, just hate paying so much.  So, I came home with leftovers, because Holy wow, was there a lot of food on my plate for dinner. ;) Hubby has lunch for work tomorrow....if he goes.

On that note.....we are ALL sick.  I ended up with a horrible fever on Sunday, and Monday, and part of yesterday. *sigh* I still don't feel 100%, but at least I don't have a fever anymore.  I only worked part of my shifts both Sunday and Monday (both jobs Monday) because I felt SO horrible.  I slept hard, and still am not back to 100%.  Now Hubby and BOTH kids have it.  Although, I don't think that Muscles has a fever at all....just a super snotty nose.  Cookie has been coughing a lot today.  She had a fever Sunday, but not since.  I left the gas station early Monday, left the kids at the sitter, came home and went back to bed.  Slept til 2:30 when I had to go to my other job.  I'll be SO glad when it is GONE.  Though, like I said, Hubby's got it now..........the same way I started on Sunday....well, Saturday night.  I have to work tomorrow, but Hubby may not go, simply because of not feeling well....and with him working with food, it is really kind of frowned upon for him to go to work ill.  He needs to get into the doctor, so I'll be calling in the morning to get him in. Yay. :P

We're watching The Sing-Off.  I like this show.  But I have a thing for acapella too.....Like the movie Pitch Perfect...LOVE IT! :D

I suppose I really should get to bed......I'm still wiped out from being so sick, and I have to work for my one client in the morning and then the gas station tomorrow night.  At least I get off at 8 tomorrow night.  Then I work days Friday and nights Saturday...but then I am off for FIVE WHOLE DAYS.  I don't go back til Friday after Christmas.....which I am REALLY looking forward to.  I'm glad to get to spend the time with my family, especially since my nephews will be here.  It'll be nice to get the kids back together.  But sad when the boys leave again, and I have to listen to Ava cry and talk about them for weeks on end again.

I hope you all are enjoying the wonderous-ness of the holiday season.  Light, Love and Christmas cookies.

Coughing, coffee and choppers.

I know, weird things to put together, but hey....hear me out.

Today was a pretty uneventful day.  Hubby had to work, I was home, and so the kids and I just kind of hung out and didn't do a whole lot.  I picked up the toys in the living room, talked to my 2 besties, and pretty much that was the extent of it.  I started feeling kind of meh when I got out of bed this morning, and now, I'm coughing, coughing, coughing.  My chest is sore, my throat hurts, and I have a HUGE headache.  Bleh.  I HATE being sick, and I don't have time this week to be sick.  I have to work tomorrow, and then ALL next week.  Meaning I don't have another day off until NEXT Sunday.  And that is between both jobs.  *sigh* I'm NOT looking forward to it AT ALL, but hey...it's all good......I'm going to be off for 5 days for Christmas, so I'm okay with that. 

Billy proposed to his girlfriend, so E has officially moved in.  I need to come up with a nickname for her for the purposes of the blog.....not sure what to call her yet.  She's pretty awesome, and I'm thankful that she is able to put up with Billy's crap, because I certainly couldn't. :P  My kids LOVE her, so I'm good with that too.  And she's really good with Stevie (Billy's youngest) so that makes a big difference too.

I'm REALLY looking forward to Christmas.  We're having dinner here, and will have munchies and all sorts of goodies.  Being off for 5 days will give me the chance to do some baking, and get things prepared.

I thought maybe some coffee would help with the cough, so I ran (not really ran...I drove) up to the gas station for a cup, because I have no creamer here.  Got a cappuccino and came home.  It didn't help soothe my throat at all. :(  All it really did was seem to make me more tired....which makes NO sense to me, but whatever.

I took a fall today......and felt like the biggest dope in the world after it happened too.  Cookie had gotten ahold of some bleach cleaner, and so as I was flying out into the kitchen to get a rag to wipe it off the entertainment center, my foot caught the gate and down I went. :(  Hit the cabinets with my arm and hip as I went, and landed on my knee.  The whole right side of my body feels like I've been beat.  I am hoping that a hot shower will help some.  My mom gave me some anaprox when she was here today, which has helped a bit, but holy crap, am I sore. :(

We watched an episode of Orange County Choppers tonight, and they did a Sonic bike.  Which was kind of neat, but.....not one of the cooler ones that they've done, that's for sure.  But, whatever.  I have really lost interest in the show since Paul Jr isn't on it anymore.  Senior is just too big of a jackass in my opinion.

Now we're watching Whale Wars.....and I should totally be getting in the shower and going to bed...........but here I sit, watching TV, fighting heartburn, and updating you all on my every move....lol.  I feel like it's been so long since I've written a blog post that I've probably lost a bunch of you. :(

There are just times that life completely overwhelms me, and it seems like the last 6 weeks or so have just completely consumed me.  I've been struggling really bad with some awful swinging moods, and being that I have no insurance, I've not been able to go to the doctor to do anything about it.  I've had to just fight through it, and I'm not sure how good of a job I'm doing at that.  I've really got to get a better handle on it, I'm just not sure HOW to do that.  Going to look up a few things online and see if I can't figure out a way to kind of start getting a better handle on it.

Anyway...I think I've yacked enough for tonight.  I hope you are all enjoying this awesome Christmas season....there's just something so magical about this time of year.......I hope my kids will grow to love it as much as I do. <3

Light, love and Christmas Lights. Enjoy, my friends.

Feeling Out of Whack.........................

Today I find myself sitting here beating myself up over the HORRIBLE day that I had today.  I had NO patience whatsoever, and with 2 little ones running amok, that is never a good thing.

I am not sure what is going on with me anymore.  I am SO stressed about EVERYTHING, it's turning me into a crazy woman.

Money is beyond ridiculously tight right now, and with Christmas being in 13 days, I dunno what we're going to do.  I HATE that I work so many hours, and we're still S.O.L. as far as money goes.  I absolutely HATE it.  It feels like I am working for nothing.  Which is pretty much what I am doing.  Between paying the baby sitter and gas, me working really isn't doing us a whole lot of good....but at the same time, I don't have a choice.

I need to get my irritated self to bed, seeing as I have to get up at 5 to be at work at 6. Bleh.

Long time no talk..............

Ah, my loves....it's been a while, huh?  Life just kind of got in the way, a bit more than I anticipated that it would.  Life has been VERY busy around FTM-Land, not something that I have necessarily liked. :P

I've been working a lot, and between that and trying to spend time with both Hubby & the kiddos, I feel like I have NO time for anything else.  I really need to find my groove and start getting things accomplished as far as getting on a schedule with housework and laundry and stuff.  It's just been not easy since I never work the same schedule from one week to the next.  So, for now, the laundry isn't all done, and the house is a mess. :P

I was going to try and write more, but I'm exhausted so I'm going to get to bed.

Light, love and hot chocolate.

Anniversaries, sadness and everything in between

Oh boy....SO much has gone on the last week and a half, and I feel like I haven't had time to sit and relax, let alone knock out a blog post.

Hubby and I's 5th wedding anniversary was the 18th. :) Billy's girlfriend kept the kiddos for us, even though Cookie had a fever.  I almost told Hubby to forget going out that night, because her fever was 103.  But, we gave her some tylenol, and within about an hour it was down to 100, so I felt better.  We went to Olive Garden for dinner, which was REALLY good.  We were going to go to the high school football game after dinner, but it was raining and we didn't really feel like sitting in the rain.  So we went to the mall and thought we would just see a movie.  HA! I didn't realize how ridiculously expensive movie tickets had gotten.  So, rather than pay $10 a ticket to see a movie, we opted to just kind of walk around the mall and window shop.  It was really nice getting to just spend some time together, without having to tell the kids to sit down, or not hit, or whatever.  We got to talk (and we actually talked about things other than the kids!) and just reconnect as a couple.....which we have desperately needed.  Since I started working, we don't get to spend nearly as much time together anymore, and I've missed him.

I had the 19th off work too, and so we just kind of hung out at home, did laundry and general cleaning, and not much of anything else. 

We found a sitter for the kids...their first day was Monday.  She has a 2 1/2 year old of her own...he's only 3 months older than Cookie, and she keeps a little girl that is about Muscles' age.....so they have some other kids to play with.  She doesn't charge 2 arms and a leg either.  I've had a hard couple days, getting used to getting them dropped off and picked up.  They seem to enjoy it though, so....we'll see how it goes.

On Wednesday of last week, I got some devastating news.  A good friend of mine, whom I've known for the last 6 or so years, delivered her precious son stillborn.  My heart still hurts for her.  I cannot imagine the pain that she is going through right now, not having her precious boy home with her.  I talked to her a bit, and they think that it was a large blood clot in the cord.  She was 39 weeks.  It's just horrifying.  I've done a lot of praying and talking to God to try and make sense of it, and sadly, there is nothing that will answer those questions in this time and place.  After talking to her some, I have found some peace with it, knowing that it is all part of God's masterplan, and we just have to kind of roll with it. 

I have really been enjoying my MOPS group and Bible study group.  It's giving me an outlet and I've met some amazing women. I feel like maybe I am even starting to make some friends. :) 

Okay, I need to get the kitchen cleaned up and then maybe take a lil bit of a nap before Cookie and Muscles wake up. Wish me luck on that....lol

Light, love and making new friends. <3

Holy hectic week

Things have been a bit overwhelming this week. So much has gone on, I don't know where to even start. I will try and get a good post up tomorrow...it is late and I have to work at 6 am. Bleh.

Birthday dinner, grocery shopping and other shenanigans.

So, my mom's birthday was Monday.  I've had a crappy schedule at work all week (hence me not being around much) and so we didn't get to do the typical birthday dinner with the family until tonight.  We had lasagna (out of the box, but hey...it was GOOD), some garlic bread and veggies.  It was yummy.  Mom made her cake (why she made her own cake is still up for debate.....she says it is because she wanted German Chocolate, I say it's because she is freaking stubborn), and we had ice cream with it too.  Everything was REALLY good.  She got a new cell phone from my dad, Olive Garden gift certificates from my brother, and a couple new flags for her small flagpole, a Soduko (or however it's freaking spelled) book and a ceramic pumpkin from us.  The kids started getting crabby not long after dessert, so we came home and got them into bed.

Being that I've been working so much, I've not been able to get to the grocery store to do much shopping.  It's also hard to get shopping done with 2 kids in tow, especially by myself, so I asked my brother if he would mind if after the kids were asleep Hubby and I went grocery shopping.  It was really nice getting out of the house, kid-free, and getting to spend a little bit of time together.  We don't get that very often, and I've been feeling a bit of a disconnect from him here lately.  Not sure what that's all about, but it is really starting to irk me.

We swung through Starbucks drive-thru on our way to the grocery store, and got a couple Salted Caramel Mocha Frappucinos.  HOLY CROW!  Talk about YUM! I have definitely found a new favorite!!!  They were SO good.

After we got done shopping, we got in the check out lane, paid, and the gal bagging our groceries took off with a package of our meat............I wasn't sure what was going on, because I had been paying, so I looked at Hubby with a WTH look on my face.  He said that the plastic crap around the meat came off, so she had to go get another package.  We waited what seemed like forever (really it was maybe 4-5 minutes) and she finally came back..We got the meat and left.

As we were walking out to the car, we heard a loud noise and looked, and a pick-up truck looked like it had ran over a chain of some sort and was trying to get whatever unstuck.  The driver zoomed off, and about 20 seconds later, there was a crash, glass breaking, and my heart leapt into my chest.  We pulled out of the parking lot, and the truck had crashed into another truck, and was literally inches away from the gas pumps at the gas station across the street from where we were.  The driver was not in the truck, I think the cops had him off to the side doing a field sobriety test, but I can't be sure.  One thing I do know is that God was watching out for us, because if that plastic hadn't come off, we'd have been on the road when that truck came barreling through, and he likely would have hit us.  It took me until sitting here writing this to realize that.  Scary stuff.

Anyway, I am having a hard time keeping my eyes open at this point, so I'm going to close out for tonight and get some sleep.  I have to work tomorrow and Saturday, but I'm off Sunday.  We're going to the pumpkin patch with my parents and the kiddos, but other than that, I'm hoping that Sunday will be pretty laid back.

Light, love and pumpkin EVERYTHING!!!! Enjoy your night/tomorrow and we'll talk again soon! <3

Stress and the repercussions of it all.....

Ever have that one person in your life that no matter how hard you try, they always seem to be able to point out where you are failing even as you are making strides in the right direction?

 

It seems like no matter what I do or accomplish, it is never enough. I have been busting my butt, working ~50 hours a week between both jobs, and finally feel like I am getting a handle on our finances. Making minimum wage at one job and just above at the other doesn't leave a whole lot of wiggle room after paying bills.  I am doing the best I can with what I have, and still getting hounded, regardless of what I try and do.

Yes, I made some STUPID choices, and yes, they are still haunting me.  I'm TRYING.  I can only do so much, and you can't squeeze blood from a turnip.  I am just so frustrated with people telling me that my best isn't good enough.

I can't do more than what I'm given, and dang it...........I'm really TRYING to get it all taken care of and in place and done.  I'm literally killing myself with all the stress and worry and working and apparently that doesn't matter.  I should be doing more, buying less, sleeping less and keeping the house perfect in the process. *sigh*

I can't even wrap my brain around trying to write anymore tonight.  I have to leave for work in an hour and 15 minutes, and I've been up since 7 this morning.  I probably should try and lay down for a little bit anyway.............though at this point, that would probably do me more harm than good.

Feeling like an outcast: A rant.

So, I've been a bit MIA off and on here lately, mainly because my work schedule is kicking my butt...........It REALLY is.  But, after talking to a friend about a few things yesterday, I felt the need to try and get a rant-y post done.....because this is something that definitely does really kind of piss me off.................

There is an aspect of my life that I haven't really discussed on here, not because I am ashamed, but because I feel like it is really no one else's business.....we're on public aid.  We receive food stamps every month, the kids get WIC and they are also on state insurance.  Without these programs, we would be far worse off financially than what we already are.  My kids would not have access to the medical care that they deserve, and that wouldn't be fair to them.

There are some people out there that think it is okay to judge those of us that are on public aid when we make a decision to expand our family......and to them I say, "SCREW YOU." 

Now, that being said.....YES, there are some people that abuse the system and honestly just have more kids so that they can increase the amount of money they get from the state every month.  There are for sure some that take more than they deserve and lie and cheat.  My deciding to have or not have another child should not be frowned upon because we are receiving help that my husband's paycheck helps pay for!

Something that I think a lot of people don't realize is that in some states (TX being one of them) there is a cap on the amount of help you can receive from the state.  You only have so long to be on aid without a job before they will cut you off.  Now if you have a job, it's a bit different, but still.....there is only so long that you are eligible to receive the assistance.  And not only that, but the assistance is exactly that....ASSISTANCE.  It by no means provides enough that you can get by without having to supplement.  Food stamps only go so far, and it is never enough to last us the entire month without having to spend money for some things.  WIC is the same way.  Between us and the kids, we go through pretty close to 10 gallons of milk a month (Billy helps with that too).  WIC only provides 6.  At $4 a gallon, that's nearly $20 that we have to provide on our own.  When Muscles was on formula, we usually had to buy at least 1-2 cans a month out of our own pocket, because WIC only provided so many, and he went through more than what they provided.

Hubby works 40 hours a week (well, here lately it's been 32, but still) and he pays taxes and such out of every check.  Those monies go to fund programs like food stamps and medicaid, etc., so why shouldn't we be able to utilize that resource without feeling like we are scum or low lifes?  I have worked, with the exception of the last 3 years, since I was 16.....I've paid into those programs as well. 

Anyone who knows me knows how difficult it was for me to go and apply for the aid when we were desperate.  It about killed me, and I seriously came home and cried because it was not something that I wanted to do, but I knew I had to do what I had to do in order to take care of myself and my family.

Do I plan on staying on these programs forever?  Heavens no!  I am hopeful that within the next year we will be able to get completely off of them.....I'm hoping to get a much better paying job soon, which will allow me to provide all the things that my kids need without having to use state assistance for help.  But until that happens, we're going to use the assistance, because that is what it is there for.

I hope that those who feel the need to judge people on assistance never have to feel the humiliation of walking into that public aid office for the first time to ask for assistance that you really don't want to ask for, but have no choice but to ask for.  I know there are some people out there that happily go to try and see how much they can get and not have to do anything for it.  I would like to think though, that the vast majority of people on assistance actually do NEED it, and are trying to get to a point where they won't have to be on it at all.

You know, I believe it says in the bible somewhere, "judge not lest ye be judged."  Don't judge me for needing food stamps, and I won't judge you for your tacky nail job and over priced shoes. :P

Another story......

You know, sometimes in life there is that one special someone that can pretty well finish your sentences before you can, knows, without you saying a word, exactly what you need, and can pretty typically send that special message that you need to hear at precisely the right time.  For me, that person is Ordinary Girl. :) She has been a constant source of support for me, even when we've had our spats.  I asked her to do a guest post for me, and I am honored and humbled that she agreed.
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Here is her blog link: Just An Ordinary Girl ~ Life Unabridged

And here is her story:

Today I am sharing the story of my first miscarriage which happened in the fall of 2002, between the birth of my son and my daughter. I was pregnant with her almost immediately after the miscarriage; I think they figured about one and a half to two weeks later. I spent a considerable part of the pregnancy not sure if she was one of a twin because she measured so very small. So to have felt that terrible loss and then worry for two months you lost not a baby but one of a twin…I cannot describe how horrifying that feels. Not only was the loss so painful, it came with a major life change for me; an almost instant growth and maturing moment.

I was going every few days to have blood drawn, to make sure that my hormone levels were dropping. It ripped my heart out every time, as if the universe were rubbing it in. How could they casually drag me across hot coals and remind me constantly my angel was gone before I even saw her face? I know now they do it for a reason but I didn’t care then. They had scheduled me for a DNC the next week because everything was looking ‘good’, Lord knows I wanted to punch her for saying that. Lucky I was upset enough that I never went for the procedure.

The dream of her was so fleeting and faint. Before I even grieved her another life was forming and I almost resented the intrusion. I was forcibly dragged from my mourning by the ‘hope’ of another….one that could be taken from me just as easily. I spent my whole pregnancy terrified I would lose her as well. It was difficult to hope, carefree as we do when we carry life within us, after the loss. I was scared to hope and lose another baby, so I didn’t get attached. I kept her at a distance.

I was very sick while pregnant with her as well; anemia and dehydration. Another thing that made it difficult was worrying that I could not give my son the proper care and attention that he deserved. It was hard enough being a single parent of one, now that their dad was gone for good, and I was terrified it was going to be impossible with two. Would having this baby ruin everything? Could I handle another devastating loss if it happened and what would that do to my son? I wrote this original story describing what it was like for me, hoping to reach others that have been there, or shed some light for those who have not but are supporting someone who has.
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Wednesday, October 3, 2007

Betrayed

The smells permeate her nose, sharp and distasteful. The hustle surrounds her as she finishes the rounds on her hall, fighting the sharp pain in her side. She stops finally in the bathroom and prays the certainty growing in her mind is wrong. There it is, the telltale spot, and as her heart stops beating in her chest, she curls her fingers reflexively around her stomach; my baby.

She pulls the cloak of calm around her like a barrier and makes a beeline for the phone. One desperate call to the doctor later, she sits with clammy hands and a racing pulse waiting for the return call. When she gets the calm impersonal voice back on the phone, it says they want to see her for an appointment immediately. Once again her heart stutters to a halt. She mechanically goes through her chain of command and once free she heads for the door on auto pilot. She imagines she must have driven there because she is behind the wheel as the car glides to a stop in the parking space, though she cannot for the life of her remember the road.

Two days she had defied him, two days she risked his wrath to try to prevent this very thing.

She climbed numbly into her aunt’s van. She stared out the window unseeing and started violently when the woman beside her spoke.

“Do you know what today is?”

She stared at the woman for a moment as her brain chugged sluggishly into gear.

“Uh, Friday?”

The woman chortled softly and prodded “Yeah, but Friday the what?”

The connection was made and resentment sprung to life as she glared contemptuously at her but when the woman turned to look at her all expression was smoothed from her face.

She half smiled and said “That figures”.

Her aunt laughed and said “Friday the thirteenth isn’t a terribly good day for this.”

“No sh!t Sherlock,” she muttered softly to herself. All her nerves were on fire both physically and mentally and her aunt was only making it worse.

“Why in heavens name would anyone with half a heart or brain even mention something like that? As if the dread in her heart wasn’t enough, let’s toss in the random dire portent. Yeah I’ve read this plot line” she thought bitterly.

The next thing that roused her from her benumbed state was lying in the dark, in a gown worn soft by all the washings. The ultrasound machine hummed to life and the cool air brushed across her cheeks making her shiver. The tech beside her did not utter a word as she pour on the warmed jelly and ran the wand across her belly that had barely begun to curve. She could see the amniotic fluid as a dark blotch on the screen, but the ominous silence hung dreadfully in her ears.

Without a word to either her, or the woman that sat next to her, strung tightly wound but blessedly silent, the tech left after instructing her to return to the room she was in before. Then her companion began to utter all the charming endearments we find spill heedless from the mouths of those outside the sucking black. She felt drunk on dread, empty and scared.

She knew he was at home, uncaring except for the burden of watching their small son. There was no comfort for her there, or here. She was in the brightly lit, cheerless room; more fit for a holding cell than for soothing the scared or grieving. The bustle of the emergency room continued heedless of the way she drew taunt in expectation any time footsteps sounded outside her curtain. Finally, in strode the dark small man. He could barely bother to look at her as he scanned her chart then uttered the pronouncement.

“It is confirmed, you are losing your baby”.

The lance of pain was white hot and sharp as her heart shattered with what must have been an audible sound and she thought she died in that moment. Thru the haze of pain and despair she heard her aunt gasp, then watched the doctor’s head jerk up. His eyes were wide and horrified.

“Oh my god, I thought the tech told you something” he stuttered.

He began to apologize profusely, though she scarcely heard it over the deep wracking sobs she heard coming from far away. Only barely did she realize it was her own voice that made them. The shell that remained of her, sat still as stone, tears running down her already pale cheeks, made ghostly in this moment. They continued to murmur in the corner as she lay down and curled into a ball, hands over her stomach in disbelief. The woman dressed her as she might have dressed a child and let her back into the cold night.

The trip home was a blur. First to the store for the prescriptions and then stop for a pack of smokes at her dull command. It was all surreal like she watched herself at the movies. When they arrived, she stood uncertainly outside the van and spoke over her shoulder without looking.

“Wait for me, till I see what will happen”.

Her aunt made a noise of agreement, neither voicing what they knew to be the truth. It would not be pretty. For a long, dark, soul searching moment, she stared at the house. Shadows twined themselves around corners of the yard, clinging to the trees; crouching as if waiting to consume her. Every light was off making the porch yawn forebodingly, like a mouth ready to swallow her whole. The door glared back at her, daring her to turn around without a word and leave. She felt the things that lurked in the darkness. She knew what he would say, how he would react. The desperate corners of her soul begged for even a glimpse of light she knew in her heart would be denied her once more.

She entered slowly and quietly feeling the hostility wrap its hand around her throat and when she paused in the doorway she heard his voice bite out of the darkness.

“Where the fuck have you been?”

She felt the lash bite in and leave another welt upon her soul, but she was beyond the pain of that now. She was one of the walking dead.

“I was at the hospital. I’m losing our baby”. Her voice was soft and pleading as she stared at the immobile back before her.

“You mean you aren’t done yet?”

She had thought herself immune but the words cut her deeply and swiftly, in that moment slicing the thread that had been the love left for him. It vanished in the blink of an eye and she wondered for a second where it had fled so fast.

“I need you. Say something, anything and I will stay. I need you dammit”.

She heard his snort of disgust and could see in her mind’s eye the sardonic smirk that curved his mouth though she could only hear it this time.

“Being a bitch isn’t the way to get anything from me”.

She stared wordlessly for one last, long moment at his immobile form, still facing away from her, then grabbed her bag and walked out. She returned to the van without an explanation, the woman did not need one. When they arrived at her aunt’s home, she stumbled out of the vehicle and collapsed on the front porch.

“Please I need to call my mother.”

When she sat gripping the phone in her hand she lit a cigarette and dialed the number. She sat praying silently and was grateful to hear her mother answer.

Please God, let her be understanding, I couldn’t stand another rejection right now.……

”I’m losing the baby mom”.

She heard her mother weeping on the line. “I wish I was there for you sweetie.”

She cried in sheer joy, her mother had never seemed to understand, to connect with her when she needed the softer side, instead always harsh and blunt. She grieved with her mother and the pain subsided a bit. They talked for a while until her stomach began to hurt in earnest.

“I have to go mom, I love you”.

She sat looking at the stars smoking and grieving and wondering why for what seemed like forever until she could deny the pain no longer.

When the moment finally came for her angel to go to heaven she could not face it. She could feel it, but she couldn’t even look; instead, crying hysterically she called out for her aunt who rushed to her side. She heard the sound of rushing water come from behind her, washing away the evidence but not the stain upon her heart. Her soul broke as she knew it was time to say goodbye. She was already a mother and the thought of her angel leaving before she even drew breath was excruciating. She should be hearing the heartbeat and looking forward to the little fluttering as life stirred, not sending her to the arms of Jesus. She felt the motherly arms of her aunt around her, leading her to the dark room and guiding her down onto the bed. She curled in upon herself as she thought and grieved. A hand smoothed her brow as a mother does a child, though she was grown and a mother herself, and she floated slowly into the blessed relief of sleep.

She lost their child that night, alone in the darkness. The agony in her soul was sharp. She grieved the loss of her child, she grieved the loss of him undeserving of it as he may be, she grieved the loss of the dream she had of family and happily ever after. After all, maybe he was right. Maybe it was all her fault.

Drifting in the final moments of lucid thought it echoed, “you will never be good enough…………. you will never be good enough”. A tear slid silently into her hair.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

My daughter is what you would call a “rainbow baby”.  

A "rainbow baby" is a baby that is born following a loss. A rainbow, the beauty that comes after a storm and a symbol of hope, is a description women lovingly use for their babies that are born after a miscarriage, still birth, or infant loss. For women who have experienced a loss, conceiving a “rainbow baby” doesn’t make them forget the loss, take it away or diminish it, but it does give them hope for a new chance at motherhood. In the real world, a beautiful and bright rainbow follows a storm and gives hope of things getting better. The rainbow is more appreciated having just experienced the storm in comparison. The storm has already happened and nothing can change that experience. Storm-clouds might still be overhead as the family continue to cope with the loss, but something colorful and bright has emerged from the darkness and misery.

It was definitely one of the most heartbreaking moments of my life. I have gone through two others in the last 3 years. I would have given them the world, but instead they were given heaven; a hard gift for me to accept - for them, for all of us.

It’s hard to talk about and to find people who are comfortable talking about something like this, let alone who understand it. Maybe I wouldn’t have spent so much time alone and scared if I had known where to go. If I had had someone tell their story and offer their hand. Please know you are not alone. Just because your child has gone to heaven does not mean you aren’t still a parent. That loss hurts too. It is okay to think about them and to talk about them. Please feel free to contact me at: Just An Ordinary Girl or 1^st Time Mama or find a group called Miscarriage Matters on Facebook. Click their name and follow the link. You are never alone.

Until we meet again my friends, stay safe, be blessed and know you are loved.
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So there ya have it......An awesome post from an awesome friend.

Remember that you are not alone, ever.  We are here for whatever support you may want/need.

Work, work and Pitch Perfect

Holy crow, has it been a long week. *yawn* Between both jobs, I've put in over 50 hours this week.

Becoming a working mom has been a difficult transition for me.  I have had a lot of Mommy Guilt.  A LOT.  I've ranged from being glad to get out and be around other adults and making money to feeling like I am neglecting my kids.  Wednesday was probably the worst for me.  I went to work at noon on Tuesday, didn't get home until 10 pm and had to be at my other job at 9 Wednesday morning and didn't get home until 6 pm, so I had gone over 24 hours without really seeing my kids.  It was AWFUL.  I cried the entire way to work Wednesday morning, because I realized it would be almost bedtime before I got to see the kiddos for more than a few minutes.  That was something that in all my preparing, I had never prepared myself for.

It's not been easy, and there are days when I wonder if this is really worth it, but I know that in the long run, it will be. 

I watched Pitch Perfect for the 1000th time tonight.  I seriously cannot get enough of that movie.  I LOVE it.  Super funny, and I love music, so that works too.  I can't seem to get my thoughts organized tonight.............so I'm going to drop off for now.  I have to work again in the morning.  I'm off on Wednesday, so hopefully I'll be able to get a good post out then.

Until then.............

Finding that all important balance.

I've been a bit....spoiled the last 3 years.  I've been able to be at home with my family, doing the things a mother/wife does when one is able to stay home.  I've been able to not only do the housework and laundry and cooking, but I've also been able to take care of my kids, and play with them, and take care of all their needs.  Shifting to being a working mom has been really tough.  I feel like I got a little bit of an easy go of it at first, when I was just working my one job.  Now that I have this other job, it is much more difficult to find the balance that I so desperately feel like I need.

I'm so used to being home to put the kids to bed, and working this job, the majority of the time, I'm not going to be home for that.  And that's hard for me.  I'm used to tucking my girl in, especially, because she's in the toddler bed, and I've not gotten to do that the past few nights. *sigh* 

Luckily, I think, the kids don't cry or beg for me or anything which is a comfort for me, because it tells me that my babies are really okay.  I get a strange sense of comfort in that they don't cry and get super upset when I leave.  That is something that I was concerned about, because I've been home with them both since they were born, and it's been rare that they have been left with anyone else for any long length of time.

I'm struggling, however, with finding a way to balance all the things that NEED to be done at home with the hours and days that I'm working.  I've only been at the new job 3 nights, so I know that I need to just give myself some time to get into the groove, so to speak, but that groove is tough for me to figure out, since I've never been a working mom before.

I've gained a whole new respect for ALL working moms, because holy moly....it's HARD.  Trying to figure out how to get the laundry and the playing and the cooking and cleaning all done AND get to work on time and play catch up everywhere is SO hard.  Hubby has had to (obviously) take on more responsibilities with the kiddos, and that has been hard on him too, because I'm usually the one to do everything when it comes to them (for the most part anyway).

I know that I will eventually get the complete hang of it, and my house won't look like the laundry threw up in the laundry room and that the toy box barfed all over the living room....lol.  I'm just so intent on spending as much time as I can with the kids when I AM home that the rest of it just falls by the wayside.

Only 3 more days until we learn the contestants for Blogger Idol.  There is going to be a top 13 instead of a top 12.  I'm waiting to hear if I made it, and I'm losing my mind....lol.  I can't wait to see who gets in, because there were some really AWESOME auditions.  Keep your fingers crossed for me!!!! :)

So, I know this is short, but I'm pooped.  I'm going to sit here and watch Sister Wives and then go to bed.  I have a 9 hour shift ahead of me tomorrow.  Between the 2 jobs, I don't have another day off until Oct 5th. *sigh* I know the money will be nice, but holy wow am I tired! :P

Until next time, light, love and Sister Wives. <3

Polka dots and insomnia

I tried to convince myself well over an hour ago that it was time to go to bed, because I have bible study in the morning, and I need to make sure that I get myself up and ready and "coffee'd" in time to leave.  Obviously, since I'm writing this, I didn't make it.

I mentioned in another post that my emotions have been a bit out of whack, and it is really starting to get to me. *sigh* It's a nasty, vicious cycle, and it's apparently going to be difficult for me to break.

Today started out with a bang...pretty literally.  I'm almost embarrassed to admit it, but when my alarm went off for me to get up for work, I fell out of bed.  I thought I was laying in the middle of the mattress, since Hubby was at work, but I wasn't.  I rolled over to get my phone to shut off the alarm, and BOOM! on the floor I landed. My hip hurts, my back is sore, and it just HURT.  Luckily, no one saw it happen.....lol

I worked today, got home, and got to sit around with the kids and play.  I fed them lunch, they napped, I wish I would have and then we had dinner.  It was after dinner that things started to go from good to bad.

I try so hard to keep my "attitude" in check, especially when I know that my emotions are jacked, but there are times that my filter just says screw it, and I blow up.  Tonight was one of those nights.  I'm not going to go into details, because it will just make me cry again, but needless to say, I'm tempted to just sleep on the couch.

I can only hope that I hear some words of comfort and inspiration tomorrow, because I'm going to lose my mind other wise.

I need to get in the shower and get to bed, so this is it for tonight.  Until next time ~ Light, love and cheesy rice.

Feeling the feelings

The last couple of days, my emotions have been a bit....out of whack.  I've been thinking about it, and wondering, and trying to come to a conclusion about what the problem has been.

This time of year has always been my favorite.  I absolutely LOVE fall.  The colors change, the days and nights get cooler, there's bonfires, football, smores............I just love everything about it.  Here in TX, things don't cool off nor change as quickly as it does other places.  We don't usually get the cooler temps and color change until late November into December.  Sometimes the cooler weather will start beginning to mid November, but it's definitely not in September. :P  Snuggling up in a hoodie and jeans or sweats and listening to a fire crackle just does something to my soul.....it is just so peaceful and enjoyable to me....and since it's still too stinking hot, I'm missing out on it, so to speak.  That bothers me some.  Not enough for me to consider moving anywhere, but enough that I can't seem to stop thinking about it.

Along with thinking about fall and cooler weather, I always seem to miss my bestie in IL more this time of year too.  And I think part of that is because for some reason, when the weather is cooler, coffee always seems to taste better.  And, in addition to that, coffee with a friend is ALWAYS better than drinking it alone.  There's just something about sitting with your bestest friend and chatting away while sipping on a cup of hot coffee that makes all seem right in your world.....even if things aren't completely good.  There were many a day when we would sit and talk and cry and vent.....especially during the time when I was going through all my miscarriages.  She may not have even known it, but she was the reason I got out of bed some days.....because she was expecting me for coffee.

That's the thing about emotions and feelings......they can knock you on your butt faster than you can swallow a drink of coffee or eat a smore.  SO many times, I've thought that I had everything completely under control, and that I was FINE, only to be smacked right in the face back to reality.  Two of the five babies that I lost were due in the fall months.  One was due in October, and the other November.  This makes getting through those months kind of tough sometimes.

Sometimes, Hubby is really good at pulling me out of whatever funk I find myself in.  I still cry some days wondering what those babies would look like, would their personalities be similar or completely the opposite of Cookie and Muscles?  I mourn because my children have siblings that none of us ever got to meet....and that makes me sad.  I know that some day we'll all be reunited again, but some days that just doesn't seem like enough.  Here lately, Hubby has not had much luck getting smiles out of me with this funk that I've found myself in.

All I can do at this point is ride the feelings out and continue to work through them.  Talking about my miscarriages and supporting women who are going through what I've gone through is tough some days, and with anniversaries coming up, I am sure it's going to be a bit tougher than normal.  I've got an amazing support system though, so I have no doubt that I will come through it with flying colors. :)

This is it for tonight.  I hope sleep finds you easily.  Until next time ~ Light, love and Candy Corn.

Good things coming to the forefront

So, things have been....tough around here for a while in regards to me finding a job.  I've been working very, very part time for a couple months, while applying for every job that I might possibly be qualified for, in an effort to ease the financial stress that we've been under.  The part time gig is only 22 hours a month.  The company is SUPER small, and so there just isn't enough hours for all the caregivers that there are.

Anyway, like I said, I've been applying for anything that I can think of, and I had a job interview on Monday.  It's for a cashier position at a convenient store.  It's a really nice store, I shop there occasionally, and everyone who works there is amazingly nice.  Anyway....the manager called me this afternoon, and I GOT THE JOB!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! WOO HOO!!! It's only part time for right now, but there is the possibility that it could move into more full time.  I should be able to get hours that will work around Hubby's schedule, so we won't necessarily have to put the kids in daycare....which would be AMAZING!

So, I had to get a white polo shirt for part of my "uniform."  I have to wear either black slacks or khakis, closed toed shoes, and a white collared shirt.  They provide name badges and aprons.  I'm pretty stoked.  The manager seems like he is going to be an awesome guy to work for.  I've worked in a convenient store before, so it's kind of old school for me, but hey.....it's a job and money coming in, and they'll work around my schedule with my other job, so it's all good. :)

I'm VERY excited about starting this new venture.  We'll see where it goes, and just go from there.

I know this is super short, but I have a bunch of stuff to do before I can go to bed, and it's already after 11.

Light, love and new jobs!! <3

Fighting struggles head on

There are some days when it seems like it would be best to just stay in bed....not even face the struggles that you know are looming out there, waiting to consume you and destroy whatever strides you want to make.

Today was one of those such days for me.  I knew it the moment I opened my eyes....I was going to be better off if I just stayed in bed.  But, as a mama first, I knew that wasn't an option.  So, I got up and tried to go about my day as best I could.

Bible study was this morning, and I just LOVE listening to the facilitator talk.  She is most definitely a woman of God, and you can just really FEEL God when she speaks...if that makes any sense.  She said a few things today that just really got to me, right in the core of my gut.  

I've mentioned before that I am a volunteer for an organization called Miscarriage Matters.  This organization is absolutely amazing, and I completely believe that through love and support from others who have been through similar experiences, women can heal from loss a little less lonely.

I've been talking to several different women who have recently suffered a miscarriage or stillbirth, and it's been....difficult for me.  I do not in any way regret volunteering to talk to these women, or befriending them.  It's just going through the same emotions and sadness that I went through alone.  I am so glad that I am able to be a voice (or word, since it's all email or text) in the darkness for them, because I didn't have much of that when I was going through my losses.  Sure, I talked to friends and family, but I didn't have anyone that had been through what I was going through, so I really felt alone.

And I think that was where the darkness was creeping in from for me today.  There are so many things that sneak up on me........and my emotions and dealing with my emotions is one of them. *sigh* 

It's hard to listen to someone talk about something that you've felt and experienced and NOT be sad.  It's hard to know the EXACT pain they are feeling, and want to take it away but knowing that you can't.  It forces you to realize that regardless of what you think, you are NOT in control.  And sometimes that is a hard thing to realize.

Miscarriage is a horrible, awful thing that no one should ever have to go through.  Sadly, more women go through them than what is realized.  Typically, those of us in this sucky sisterhood suffer in silence, because talking about miscarriages just isn't the norm.  I hope I can continue to be a voice in the darkness, letting women know that they most certainly are NOT alone......and I hope that me talking about the hurt and the fear and the sadness that is so common helps them come out of their dark places.

Well, my friends, I think for tonight I am going to get outta here and just relax and get some sleep.  My heart has felt enough heaviness for the day.  Until next time ~ Light, love and oreo cookies. <3

Going out on a limb that may break under my butt.........................................

Okay...here goes.....

I decided to go out on a limb and try something that I normally wouldn't do.  I decided to audition for this deal called Blogger Idol.

A friend of mine, Non-Stop Mom is a judge.  It was started by the wonderful gal over at My Husband Ate All My Icecream, whom I follow, and I've found some pretty fantastic blogs thru seeing Blogger Idol in the past.  

Now, the biggest reason that I opted to audition, honestly, is because I would love to gain some followers and feel like I'm part of this awesome community of people who share their lives and thoughts with whomever may need to read what they have to say at the moment. :) 

There are also some pretty cool prizes that are up for grabs too.....Such as:

$300 Gift Certificate to Marware

$300 Gift Certificate to Bullet Designs

One Free Month of Intermediate Level Blog Management Services from Bloom Blogs- value $249

1 Week of Full Service Pinterest Management from Little Birdie Social Media - Value $50

One Year of PicMonkey Royale – Retail Value $33

$25 Gift Certificate to Baconery

$25 Amazon Gift Certificate

Those are some pretty awesome prizes if you ask me.  Now, I will ask that you all follow along and vote for whichever blogs tickle your fancy.  And of course, I would BEG that you vote for me so that hopefully I can get into the top 12.  I think it would be really cool to be a member of this elite group, and I would love to get the things I have to say out there.

So, there ya have it.....I did it, and I'm hoping that you'll pull for me and vote for me and watch as we travel on this journey (hopefully) to Blogger Idol 13!!!

Workin' Overtime

Motherhood is not a simple walk in the park.  It's a terrible, wonderful, crazy thing.  There are so many facets to being a mom that I never really paid a whole lot of attention to before I had these two little bambinos.  It is really quite amazing when you sit and think of everything that a mom does during the course of a day.

First, you know, there's getting the child(ren) up and ready for the day.  Some little ones, like mine, wake up at what seems like the butt crack of dawn and come in smiles blazing wanting to watch Mickey Mouse before the first drops of coffee have passed a mom's lips (and any mom that doesn't drink coffee deserves some kind of medal, because I couldn't get through the diaper changes without it).  Getting them up and ready usually consists of changing diapers, or sitting on the potty, getting clothes on and feeding them.  Some days all those things happen, others--not so much.  There have been many a morning that I've changed the diaper and said forget the clothes and just left them in their pajamas simply because I lacked the give-a-*#&! to care.  Feeding the child(ren) takes on a whole new life of it's own some mornings too......depending on the attitudes of said child(ren) when their feet hit the floor.

Then of course there's laundry, cleaning, running errands, grocery shopping, putting the groceries away, taking out the garbage, laundry, bathing the child(ren), naps, lunches, making dinner, cleaning up the dinner mess (am I the only one who eats???), picking up the toys and putting things away so that when you hear a funny noise in the middle of the night, you don't step on that lone Lego that always seems to find its way under your foot in the dark.

At some point, the dogs need fed/let out, the chickens need tended to, the cat box needs scooped, the fish bowl needs cleaned.....it's a never ending process of making sure that the house is semi presentable just in case some unexpected company (like the annoying landlord) stops by.  And of course....when the unexpected company does come by and ring the doorbell, it's usually when the kids are down for a nap.  So, at that point, life becomes about getting the dogs to quiet down and get away from the door while you're trying to open the door and get the unexpected company to come in QUIETLY and get out of the hallway so that they don't wake up the kids even though the barking has probably already woken them up.

Once all the normal day to day stuff is done, then there's the bathing (cuz you know, the kid(s) need to smell decent if they are going to be seen anywhere in public), whatever other night time rituals, and then getting the child(ren) to stay in their beds.  After 87 hugs, kisses, drinks of water, going pottys, and being covered up, then Mama MIGHT get to sit down and relax.  However, if they are anything like me, there's 1000 other things that need to be done before Mama can sit and relax and go to bed.

That's been a typical day in my life since we had our foster kids and onto now that we've had our kids.  Here lately though, we've had to throw in the mix Mama going to work.  Now I only work 22 hours a MONTH, so it's not like I have a full time job.

I have LOVED staying at home with my kids.  It gives me a sense of purpose, but at the same time, I feel like I've lost some of myself too.  It's lonely.  No way around it, no sugar-coating....it's lonely.  The only adult contact that I've had during any given day is from Hubby, and some days...it's questionable whether that would really be considered adult. :P I love the man, but there are some days that I question my sanity......lol

It used to be, way back when, that staying home is exactly what a mom did.  She took care of her hubby and kids, and did so willingly and without complaint....or mostly without complaint.  If she didn't stay home, it was somewhat frowned upon by society.  It's just what moms did.  Times were much simpler then....and the economy wasn't as difficult to survive in as it is now.  Anymore, you pretty much HAVE to have a two-person income just to survive.  The cost of living and having kids are drastically increased, and so it's causing parents to reevaluate if one of them staying home is even feasible.

Hubby and I have had many long conversations about me going back to work, and while it's something that I've struggled with, it is something that I just need to do....for many reasons.  I am a very social being...I always have been.  Having friends and an outlet to get me out of the house is SO important to who I am, and I've been seriously lacking in that department.  Moving far away from my friends was a hard decision, but living closer to my parents was more important.  I've been really blessed to find a Bible Study and a MOPS group that help get me out of the house and around other women that have kids and know what it's like....and it's helping.  Like I said before, I've been working about 22 hours a month, and so that's helping too.  It gets me out and around other adults, and so I'm able to kind of get my identity away from strictly Mama.  It's nice to feel more like my old self, and laugh at jokes, and not constantly be saying "Stop that!" "Don't hit your brother!" "Get off the entertainment center, Cookie!" "Get over here so I can change your diaper!"

Finding a balance between being Mama and being a working adult who still has to do all the normal things at home in addition to the things outside of home is a difficult thing to do.  Luckily for me, I have a wonderful support system around me, helping me every step along the way.  Knowing that I have that support allows me to go into each day with confidence and pride.

Until next time my friends ~ Light, love and Snickers ice cream.

Feeling thoughtful..........

I was asked today what my greatest accomplishment was.  Without any hesitation at all, I answered "my kids."  It got me thinking which can be a scary thing for me. :P

I've talked some about my journey to parenthood and the struggles and trials that came along with it.  Becoming a mom was SO important to me....I never wanted anything more in my entire life.  When we were in the thick of it, I remember thinking "what am I gonna be if I can't be a mom?"  I didn't want anything else.  I couldn't imagine being anything else.  Getting through our struggles with infertility and the miscarriages took so much out of not just me, but both of us, and I wondered if we were going to be able to come out the other side of it.  I wondered if it was really going to be worth all the pain and heartache that we were going through to get to the other side.

Being a parent is hard.  Every day is another new challenge.  There are days when I wonder if I'm going to make it to the next one, because the challenges are sometimes overwhelming.  Between the changing of diapers, cooking the food, laundry, cleaning and all the other STUFF that consumes my day...I can assure you without a shadow of a doubt that it is completely worth every single, scary minute of the process in trying to get here.

There are things in my parenting that I question every single day.  I wonder if I'm doing the right thing, saying the right thing......it's a never-ending internal battle of questioning myself and believing in what I am doing.  I'm sure that I'm not the first mom in history to ever question her parenting abilities.  I'm very blessed with an awesome supportive mom who gives me encouragement and advice whenever I ask it of her.  I've also got some pretty fantastic friends who have kids that are older than mine that will offer advice when I ask too.  That helps too, because it's kind of a "we've been there, done that" kind of advice, which I really appreciate.

When you get down to the brass tacks of it, I wouldn't trade a single day of my journey to becoming a parent.  I wouldn't trade losing 5 babies before I carried Cookie.  It broke my heart, and some days still does, but it also made me appreciate being a mom so much more than I think I would have otherwise.  I'm not saying in any way that moms who don't have any issues don't appreciate their children....not at all.  I just know that for ME, I am so much more thankful that Cookie and Muscles are here and well and healthy and growing and making me crazy.  There was a time when I seriously doubted whether it would ever happen.  And now that I'm on the other side, I couldn't be happier.

Until next time ~ Light, love and animal crackers.

Staying up too late...

Again.

I have a bad tendency of staying up way later than I should, especially on nights when I have stuff to do the next day and should be getting a good amount of sleep.  I have a job interview tomorrow at a gas station here in town, which isn't my ideal job, but hey....it's a paycheck, it'll help pay the bills, and get me out of the house some.

I'm still continuing to make some changes with the blog.  Give me some feedback and let me know what you think!!! ;)

I'm going to make this another short one, because I am so tired....I will hopefully get a good update in to you guys tomorrow. <3

Light, love and Sister Wives. ;)  Night all!

Changes...some subtle, some not so much..........

So, I've made a few changes here and there.....just in case you didn't notice. :P I'm trying to find my groove, so to speak, and felt like there were some tweaks (not like Miley...or was that twerks?) that needed to be made.

I am still brand new to all of this really, so forgive me while I tweak away and try and find my proper groove. ;)

It's been a long day, and tomorrow is going to be just as long, if not longer.  I have to work tomorrow, which I'm thankful for the money, but I don't really like working on Saturdays when Hubby is home.  It's only every other, so it's not like it is every weekend, but it kind of throws my week off some.....

I am going to keep this SUPER short, because I am TIRED, and I need to get some sleep so that I'm well rested for work tomorrow.  I promise you guys will get more out of me soon....once I find a good groove.

Until then, love, light and Oreo cookies! :)

Football, ice cream and pondering

It's been a long couple of days here in FTM-land.  I'm really not complaining, because I've gotten out of the house for the last 3 days for several hours each day, and I've gotten some adult time each time I've gotten out of the house.  That has been REALLY nice.

Tuesday was the first MOPS meeting.  MOPS is a Mothers Of PreSchoolers group, and let me tell you....I am SO thankful that I found this group.  SO thankful.  It was a room full of moms who are either in the same boat as me (stay home with kiddos all day long, every day) or have been there, done that, got the t-shirt.  I knew I wasn't alone, because hello...I have friends, but it was nice to meet some other moms who live in the same town or close.  My friends are all scattered across the country, and so I don't really have any one that I can call and say, "hey...come over and have a cup of coffee with me while the kids run amok."  Until we moved to TX, I would call Rose and her and I would do just that.  Even when we went to IL for a visit, her and I did just that....I went over there, we let the kids play and do their thing, and we sat and drank our coffee and chit chatted.......it was awesome.  I'm hoping that in going to this group, I will find one or several moms that I can call and say, "Hey...come have a cup of coffee with me and let's let the kids run amok."  I crave that kind of friendship, and I'm really hoping that I hit it off with someone in order to do that.  It would be REALLY nice to have that friend that gets where I'm coming from, can hang out with me, or let me come over and hang out while Hubby works, we could swap babysitting....it would just be nice.

Wednesday I worked for a couple hours, while Billy stayed here with the kiddos.  I REALLY need to find daycare, because Billy just isn't as patient with my kids as someone else would be.  And it's not exactly his fault, because of the PTSD, but I worry about him losing his temper and I would just NOT be okay with that.  My client is 94 almost 95 years old, and I REALLY enjoy working with her.  She can be a bit abrasive, but I really think that it is a bit of a defense mechanism for her.  Once you get to know her, she's sweet as can be, and I really, really enjoy working with her.  It not only gets me out of the house for 3 hours every other week, but it gets HER out too.  At least I have my kids at home to entertain (and frustrate) me, but she's in her home alone.  That HAS to be hard....I don't know that I could handle it long term like she has............I just don't know.

Today was Bible study day.  I REALLY enjoy this group.  The facilitator is just awesome.  She was also at the MOPS meeting on Tuesday, so it was nice having a few familiar faces when I walked in Tuesday morning...another lady from CBS (the Bible study) was at MOPS too.  Cookie colored a picture and made a caterpillar in her class today too.  She was little miss crabby butt though, and has been for the last couple days.....not quite sure what that's all about.  Muscles was excited to see me, which was pretty awesome.  He crawled between the legs of another mom picking up her little one to get to me.....I laughed.  We are studying the book of Acts, and I'm really enjoying it and hope that I'm learning something along the way too.

Hubby and I are watching the Broncos/Ravens game that's on TV tonight.  I LOVE football season.  I just love it.  I have always been a football loving girl...ever since I can remember.  I get that from my Daddy.  And I'm fairly certain that Cookie is going to inherit it from HER Daddy too. :)  She climbed up in Hubby's lap and was laying JUST like him.  I would post the picture, but my phone is being a jerk, so I can't get it........I'll likely post it to my Facebook page when I'm done with the blog though, so look for it there. ;)  Anyway, shortly after the game started, we put the kids to bed, and Hubby decided that he wanted some ice cream, so I ran to DQ and got it.  The kids that work up there really need to learn how to deal with customers because HOLY CRAP.  I have worked fast food, so I know how tiring and difficult it can be.  I do.  But come on.....it was only a little after 8 pm, so not really late at all, considering they are open til 10, and the kid couldn't manage to #1 get my order when I repeated it TWICE, and #2 make it right.  I am NOT one to complain (ask anyone who knows me...I don't like confrontation AT ALL), but I was pretty irked.  I went inside and the kid looked like a deer in the headlights.  I complained to the manager, who seemed like she didn't want to be at work either, and they fixed the issue....barely.  So, I came home, ate my ice cream in peace, and complained to Hubby. :P

I've been contemplating a whole lot here recently, and just added something else to the mix. ;) I have heard about Blogger Idol, off and on, since it's conception in I think it was 2011....it may have been 2010...I don't remember.  My pal over at Non-Stop Mom is a judge.  I've been thinking about maybe auditioning for it and seeing how it goes.  But, I dunno.  I don't know if my writing is strong enough to warrant me auditioning.  But at the same time, it would give my teeny tiny blog some exposure, and maybe hook me up with some more followers.  So, I don't know.

I've also been thinking about asking a couple of my other blogger buddies if they would do a guest post for me.  Not sure on what, so that's something that I'm going to have to give a lot more thought.  We'll see what happens.

This has been an awful wordy post tonight....quite unusual for me here lately, but it was nice being able to sit down at the computer and type it all out and kind of start getting some thoughts rolling and in place.  It's a time consuming process, but one that is necessary.  I'm still trying to figure out where I wanna go and how I wanna get there, and if you guys will hold on for the ride, we'll end up at the top, I'm certain! :)

So, for tonight I'll end with saying love, light and football.  Have a great evening, and until next time, remember you are loved. <3

Content and struggling all at the same time.................

It's been one hell of a day today.  Lots of good things going on, some stressful things, some not so good things, but, ya know............

Started MOPS today, and I have to say, it was awesome!! :) I really think I'm going to enjoy going and getting the kids out of the house, and I think that I will hopefully make some friends from this.  There were quite a few women there today, and I look forward to going back in 2 weeks.

I have to work in the morning, and then again on Saturday, so it's going to be a busy weekend, for sure.  We need to go grocery shopping on Sunday since we can't go Saturday.  That's always a not fun thing.

I have a friend that is in a tough spot right now, and could use all the prayers and good vibes that she can get.  I can't go into details at all, for a multitude of reasons, but I would appreciate it if you guys would just think of her and pray that God's will in her life be done.  It's a difficult thing for her, and I worry, I'm concerned, and sadly there is nothing that I can do about any of it. *sigh*  All I can do is be there to listen, and send prayers and love and so that's what I will continue to do.

I know this is short, but man, I'm TIRED.  I didn't sleep well last night, and with having to work in the morning, I should get to bed and crash.  I'm sure throughout the rest of the week, I will have more to tell you about my week.

I'm still working on trying to figure out how to get a support group going, or if it would even be something that would be beneficial.  My brain is going a million miles a minute when it comes to that, so we'll see how it goes.

Peace, love and puppy kisses. <3 Until next time, sleep well my friends.

Ideas rattling around in my brain...................................

I should completely be in bed, because I am EXHAUSTED, but I can't seem to get my brain to shut off long enough to wind down in order to go to bed.

I have so many ideas running around up there, about things I need to do, things I want to get done, and something I am thinking about trying to get together, and I just can't seem to get things to form cohesive enough thoughts to write it down and let it go for now.

I have homework for the bible study that started today.  I was absolutely THRILLED after getting there and starting.  I think I am REALLY going to like this study.  The facilitator is fantastic, everyone was so nice, and the kids had a really nice time.  They really seemed to enjoy themselves, and they got to play with a bunch of toys and other kids.  Neither Cookie nor Muscles have had much interaction with other kids, simply because I stay home and they don't go to daycare.  It was really nice to get some adult time and not have to say "Stop that" or "quit it" or "Don't hit your brother!"

The "company" that does this study has different groups all over the world, and it seems like it is very well put together, and so I'm really looking forward to expanding my relationship with God through this group.  I'm excited to see what He has in store for me on this journey.

I'm looking forward to the beginning of next week too.  On Tuesday, I am going to a MOPS group.  MOPS is a mothers of pre-schoolers program.  It's somewhat like a mom's support group.....and something that I have been desperately needing....adult contact with women who have kids that are the same age as mine so that I have something in common with them.  The kids will get to interact with other kids, again, and I'm really hopeful that maybe I will make some friends.  No one could ever replace Rose, for sure, but I need some friends here that I can have over for coffee or meet for lunch or have a playdate with.....SOMETHING.  It gets so lonely being at home all day by myself, and hanging out with my mom is okay, but....I need some friends.  So, I'm hopeful that someone in either the MOPS group or the bible study and I will hit it off and I will make that friendship that I so desperately need.

Now, for the thing I've thought about trying to start..............I've been tossing around the idea of trying to start a miscarriage support group.  I just don't know where to begin.  Or how to begin....how to get the word out...nothing.  But it's something that I really feel would be a good idea.  Another thing I am not sure of is if it would be well received in the town I live in....it's a small town, although there are several towns that are a bit bigger not terribly far from here........I need to do some more research on it and see what I can figure out.  If anyone has any ideas or knows anyone who has any ideas, please lemme know.  I just have no clue where to start, but it's something that I feel could be very valuable.  I wish something like that would have been available for me......

Anyway...on that note, I am going to head to bed.  Cookie has been getting up pretty early, and I've not been sleeping all that stellar, so I need to make the most out of what I get.  We'll talk more soon, and I'll keep talking out my ideas here, and maybe ya'll can help me get things off the ground. ;)

Been a bit.....

So, it's been a week or so since my last post........time just completely gets away from me sometimes.  I suppose that's what happens when you have a 1 & 2 year old! :P

I've been talking off and on about going through my miscarriages and the effect that it's had on me and my emotions.  I'm not 100% sure what direction I really want to go, other than I want to let other women and men know that they are not alone in their struggles if they've suffered this kind of a loss.

One of the hardest things for me to I guess realize about my miscarriages is that there wasn't anything that I could have done to prevent them.  It's just something that happens.  Is it fair?  Oh hell no.  Does that make it any easier to deal with?  Nope.  But it's just something that for one reason or another happens.  I blamed everything under the sun for what was happening to me.  I blamed God, my uterus, my smoking, the sunshine on a particularly cloudy day...you name it, I blamed it.  The biggest thing that I blamed though, was God.

I couldn't for the life of me understand why a God who was supposed to be loving and caring would put me through all of what I was going through.  I was furious.  I hurt, and I didn't understand why it was happening to me.  It seemed like every time I turned around someone I knew was popping up pregnant.

I prayed for answers that never came, and that just made my heart break more.  I wanted to know what was causing me to lose my babies, and the answer never came.  I went through months of testing with no conclusive answers, and that just bothered me more than anything.....I didn't know how to fix what was broken.

I felt like my husband deserved someone better....someone that wasn't broken and could give him the children that he deserved to be a father to.  He told me something that I will never forget as long as I live....something that every time I think about, I can hear him saying the words.  I was having a bad day/night/week, and was nit picking a fight with him.  I told him that he deserved someone that could make him a dad, because obviously I couldn't, and he said, "I love YOU.  I didn't marry your uterus.  I married YOU because you make me complete."  I was so completely humbled in that moment....and it definitely helped me get through the rough patch that I was in at the time.

My relationship with God has taken a beating, and I'm slowly working on repairing it.  It's a slow road, one that I want to make sure I examine completely and that I don't miss anything.  I've stuffed many of the feelings away, and I'm hoping that as I go through this process that I will be able to handle them all.

Having both of my kiddos definitely helped heal my heart in ways that I didn't know was possible.  I still have a ways to go, but I've gotten to a point where helping others through the initial broken-ness is helping me.

I volunteer as a Woman Of Empowerment for an amazing organization called Miscarriage Matters.  I email with women who are in the midst of their losses and going through those emotions that I didn't have anyone to help me sort through.  I find that I am able to offer a shoulder where they may not have anyone to help them sort through the emotions.  I feel like my miscarriages were not in vain, and I feel like I am making a difference to someone even if it is in the smallest measure.

I want to make a difference....and I hope that I'm doing that, however small it may be.

Until next time, my friends, may there be light and love on your path. <3

It's the end of Summer..................

Which means that my nephews had to go back to Illinois and to their mother's.  It was definitely a bittersweet day for me.  They are sometimes difficult to deal with, and they don't listen to anyone EVER, but I was still sad to see them go.  They will be back in December for Christmas, which will be nice.  So, for the next 4 months, it'll just be me, Hubby, Cookie, Muscles and Billy.  It's going to be much quieter around here.

So, today is "The Day Of Hope." It's a day for those of us mothers who have lost a baby or struggle with infertility to remember what we've lost, and to remind us that there is always hope.  I feel very blessed that I was lucky enough to go on and have 2 beautiful babies of my own, and I count those blessings every day, because I know that there are so many women out there that still long for what I have.  It was a long and difficult road to get here.

When I look back on the years that Hubby and I struggled, I am amazed at the strength that I found within myself.  But I didn't go through that time alone....Hubby was an AMAZING source of support for me.  I didn't really have anyone in my life that really GOT what I was going through at the time.

I am so blessed that Hubby is the amazing man that he is, because without him, I don't know that I would have gotten through things as well as I did.

I am going to have to stop here for the night, because I am flat out exhausted.........it's been a long day.  I will get my thoughts gathered and will get a better post out to you all soon, I promise.

Peace, love and snickers my friends.  Until next time.

It's that time again................

Time for me to write another blog post. :P I have been slacking this week, but it's just because things have been so busy around here.  I have been cleaning and prepping for Muscles' birthday party.  Things have been stressful and I've not been handling it very well.

One bad thing about being up this late (good grief....when did midnight become late??) is I get the munchies REALLY bad.  I could seriously go nuts with junk food right now.  But, I'm too lazy to get up and go into the kitchen. Haha.  I really would like something to eat, but I know I shouldn't eat this late.  I will end up with heartburn, and then I'll be up 1/2 the night, and then I'll be tired tomorrow.  It's a terrible never ending circle.

It's hard to believe that my little guy is already a year old.  This year has gone by so fast.  My girl is going to be 3 in March...time keeps on slipping into the future, and I'm just not at all ready for it.

I know this is crazy short, but I am going to head to bed.....I'm just pooped.

Until later! :)

Trying to come up with.....

titles is a pain in my butt. :P   I'm out of clever ideas, and I really don't wanna bore anyone.....lol

So, I did a short series of posts discussing my journey to motherhood and the trials and disappointments that I had along the way.  When Hubby and I were in the thick of it all, it really felt like the end of the world and like there was no way out.

I felt like no one understood what I was going through, especially because no one in my life had gone through a miscarriage.  At least not anyone that lived anywhere near me.  Hubby's aunt had gone through several miscarriages, but her and I aren't exactly close, and so it didn't feel like I could go to her with my fears.

I felt so lost, so out of control, like my life was going to crumble around my ankles and that was going to be the end of it for me.  I had wanted nothing more in my life than to be a wife and a mother.  I had one failed marriage under my belt, and here I was failing at becoming a mother.  It was a huge blow to my self esteem, and I felt myself slowly falling into a hole of depression that I worried I would never come out of.

Through all of it, Hubby stood by my side and was my constant.  He made sure that I knew he loved me, and that he was there for me whenever I felt ready to talk.  I mostly hid inside myself, because I knew that he was hurting, and I didn't want him to feel like he couldn't grieve for our babies because he had to support me.  It was something that I felt I had to take control of and deal with on my own, because he had to take care of himself.

When we found out that we were losing the first baby, I remember calling my mom and telling her on the phone.  My dad went with me to the appointment, because she couldn't, and neither could Hubby, because they both had to work.  After we got done at the doctor's office, I wanted nothing more than to crawl into a hole and not come out, but I couldn't do that because I had to go back to work.  I walked back into the building, and my supervisor called me into the office and we chatted for a good long while about everything that had transpired that morning.  I was more than heartbroken.  It felt like someone was ripping my heart out of my chest and stomping on it with all their might.  Hubby played softball through work, and there was a tournament the following weekend north of where we lived.  We drove up the night before and stayed at a hotel along with most everyone that he played with.  We went to Macaroni Grill for dinner, and I got my drink on.  I felt like I needed to drown my sorrows, and so that's exactly what I did.  Hubby was AMAZING.  He held me while I cried, and changed the subject whenever someone would ask about it, because he knew that I just couldn't talk about it yet.  We had a great weekend, even though I was still dealing with the physical stuff on top of the emotional stuff.  It was nice to get away and try to not thing about it for a few days.

Of course, when we got home, the feelings and sadness were waiting there for me.  But having Hubby by my side made things better.  Life got somewhat back to normal, and we decided that we weren't going to do anything to prevent getting pregnant again, but we weren't necessarily going to try again either.  I just wanted to have a "whatever happens happens" kind of attitude.  It was not easy, by any means, but I tried my hardest.  Something happens to you when you lose something that you've wanted more than anything else in your life.....I'm not sure if one becomes hardened right away, or if it takes a while....but for me, it did happen.

I will touch on that a bit more next time....for tonight, I'm going to get to bed and get some sleep.  It's been a long day, and tomorrow is going to be just as long.