Saturday, April 30, 2011

Happy 1 month birthday baby!!!

Today is my beautiful girl's 1 month birthday.  It's hard to believe that she's been in my arms for a whole month already.  Every day is just amazing.  She's growing and changing before my eyes, and I feel like time is going too fast.  I still can hardly believe that she's even here.

We tried so long and so hard for her......I look at her every day in total amazement and awe that she exists.  She is definitely my miracle.  I can't seem to stop kissing her...the poor kid is going to hate kisses by the time it's all said and done!  I am just SO thankful that she's here and healthy, and that we were blessed with this little miracle.  I have never wanted something more than I wanted this, and here she is, in the flesh, making my life complete.

I never realized how big the hole in my heart was from all the miscarriages until she was born.  That hole is gone. The scar tissue still remains, but the gaping hole that held onto so much of ME is filled with the love and amazement that having a baby brings with it.  I finally feel completely whole.  Hubby completed me when my heart was broken.  Then the desire to give him a child was there, and every time we lost a pregnancy, it just bore a hole in my heart.  With each loss, the hole just reopened and got a bit bigger.  I just didn't realize how big it actually was until Lil Lady was in my arms the day she was born.  She looked up at me with those big blue eyes, and I felt a contentment that I didn't realize was possible.

I find myself lost in gazing at her so much....every day the time slips away and I don't even realize it until I look at the clock.

So many things have changed.  My outlook on things is completely different than it was before she was here.  I look at her, and the love I feel for Hubby is just magnified 10 fold.  I didn't realize that I could love him more than I did the day I married him, but I do.  It's unreal.  We created this beautiful little girl, out of love, and she's OURS.  My heart is whole, my life complete....and it's an amazing feeling.

Friday, April 29, 2011

The Royal Wedding and minimal sleep......

I didn't get a nap in today (well, technically yesterday) like I thought I would be able to.  So pretty much, I've been up since 2 am yesterday.  I dozed off about 11 pm and slept until about 1 when Lil Lady woke up.  And here it is 4 am, and I'm STILL awake.  I have yet to figure out how I am still functioning at this point.  

So, I figured that since I'm up, I might as well tune in to the Royal Wedding, because it's not like there's going to be anything else on.  I remember watching replays of Princess Diana's wedding to Prince Charles, and of course when Diana died, I watched the funeral.  I find it interesting.  I feel like I've watched Prince William grow up (even though I don't think he's that much younger than I am) and so it's neat to get to watch one of the biggest moments of his life.  And, ya know, Kate is going from girl next door to royalty, and that's something that usually only happens in the movies (think Cinderella :P).  

I have an official countdown going...and I should find a ticker or something to put on here....20 days left in Illinois.  I seriously cannot wait to get to Texas.  It's been a long time coming, and I'm SO ready....I am SO eager to get there....I almost don't want to wait the 20 days, but because of doctor's appointments, we really have to.  Lil Lady is going to get her shots before we leave, so that they are done, and we don't have to worry about them until we get insurance again.  I need to get some phone calls made and find out about getting the medical card and food stamp stuff down there once we get there.  I just haven't done it.  But, I'm quickly running out of time to get ahead of the game, so I suppose I better get on it.

I am going to try to sleep....I REALLY hope that I can at least get a bit of a nap in before Lil Lady wakes up again.  I'm so stinking tired.....

Thursday, April 28, 2011

Should be sleeping.....

But, I find myself WIDE awake....isn't it amazing how that happens?  I was feeling SO tired earlier, while I was feeding Lil Lady, I got her to sleep, got myself a glass of chocolate milk, and snuggled up to try and get some shut eye, and now I'm wide awake.  I think it's probably because I have a gazillion things running through my mind these days.  I'm trying to make sure that I have all my ducks lined up in a row for the move, and I constantly feel like I'm forgetting something.

I've called the moving company and got that done.  Although, I need to call Mom at some point today and have her get me the address of the storage place that we're going to be using so that I can let the moving company know where they are going to deliver our stuff.

I have my books for school...which starts on May 2nd.  I'm a bit nervous about how I'm going to juggle that and Ava and working, but I think between Mom, Dad and hubby, I should be alright.  I'm very much looking forward to getting my degree, and being able to better provide for my daughter.  I would love to be a stay at home mom, yes, but I just don't think that's a realistic possibility for our family.  Plus, I have to be honest, as much as I LOVE being home with her, I find myself searching for a reason to go ANYWHERE, just so that I can get out of the house.

We got Lil Lady's birth announcements in the mail today....I need to sit down and get them addressed and sent out.  Although I have to go to the post office before I can actually send them, because I have to get stamps.  I think I have 1 left, and that's actually going on Mom's Mother's Day card so that I can get it in the mail tomorrow.

It's still almost surreal to me that Lil Lady's actually HERE.  I know that sounds absolutely insane, especially considering she's almost a month old, but I still look at her in complete awe.  We tried so long, and so hard, and I'd seriously started to give up hope of us ever having our own child.  And here she is, beautiful and growing every day....and she's MINE.  I think back on the day she was born and I relive it in my mind all the time.  I don't think I was more in love with Hubby than I was the minute he looked at me with tears in his eyes seconds before he cut her cord.  I really didn't think I could love him more than I did the day we got married, and then our daughter was born.  I'm sure everyone is getting sick to death of me talking about it, but it's just so all consuming.  She fills a void that I didn't realize was so big.  I get teary eyed just thinking about how full she makes my life.

In 3 weeks, we are making the big move....and I seriously CANNOT wait.  My sister in law, D, and brother, JM, are coming up to help get us and our crap down there.  We do have a moving company coming to get the majority of our stuff.  The only thing we'll be loading in the vehicles is the stuff that we're taking to Mom and Dad's with us.  I'm SO ready to get out of Illinois, it's not even funny.  Yes, I have friends here that I'm going to miss terribly, but it doesn't outweigh how much I miss my family.  I can't wait to see the look on my mom's face when she holds Lil Lady for the first time.  Dad too.  It's been a long time coming, and I'm SO ready for it.

I need to figure out a day that I can try and get together with the friends from here that are important before we leave.  It would have to be the weekend before we leave, but I have NO idea where to have it....guess I need to put some feelers out on Facebook and see what everyone thinks, and see who can be where and when will work.

I suppose I should try and get a little bit of rest before Lil Lady wakes up.  I have a busy day ahead tomorrow (well, today) with things I need to get done.  And I have a visitation to go to tonight.  Bleh.

Sunday, April 24, 2011

Need to get better about keeping up........

Because so far, I really suck at this blog thing.....  Although, I'm not even sure how many people actually read the I wonder if it's really even worth the effort that it takes to type out the posts..........

Things have been very busy around here, and I'm not getting a whole hell of a lot of sleep these days.  Ava's birth was an absolutely AMAZING experience, even if the epidural didn't work all the way until I was ready to

I went in at 8 pm on March 29th to be induced.  I went in, got registered, signed the necessary crap, and they got me upstairs and ready to go.  The nurse came in and started the IV (which sucked....those IV's always hurt going into your hand) and they took blood and all that crap.  I tested positive for Group B Strept, so they had to give me antibiotics every 4 hours as well.  They started the whole process at 9 pm with the first dose of the meds.  They came back in at 1 am with the next dose, and gave me an Ambien so that I could attempt to get some sleep.  At that point, I was having contractions, but they were SUPER mild, and still really sporadic.  At 1:50 am, I had just started to doze off, and my water broke.  I had NO idea what it was, so I told Joe that he needed to call the nurse in, because something had happened and I didn't know what was going on.  The nurse came in, told me that it was just my water breaking, got me cleaned up and back into bed I went.  The contractions started getting stronger at this point.  When they came in at 5 to give me another dose of meds, I was still only dilated to a 2-3 and was about 90% effaced....I had prayed that I was further than that.  I got on the birthing ball for a bit, which didn't do a whole lot, but helped some.  When I would have a contraction, the monitor that was keeping an eye on Ava's heartbeat would lose it, so they had to put an internal monitor on her.  Let me tell you......that SUCKED major donkey balls.  The first nurse didn't get it attached to her head, so they had to redo it, and I wanted to punch the nurse right square in the face.  It was HORRIBLE.  The contractions were getting pretty strong at this point, and I was super uncomfortable, but I wasn't dilated far enough to get the epidural.  So, they gave me a shot of some kind of pain killer, and that really calmed me down some.  I don't remember when they came in again, I think it was around 8 am or so, and they checked me again, and at this point, I was at a 4, so I was able to get the epidural.  We had to wait for the anesthesiologist to get out of a c-section, and then I was ready.  They made Joe and Lindsey leave the room, since it is a sterile procedure.  I don't really remember if it hurt or not, because I think she stuck the needle in when I was having a contraction, but I don't know for sure.  I laid back down after getting the epidural, and while I couldn't feel my legs AT ALL, couldn't move my toes, nothing, I still felt every single contraction.  Something with the epidural didn't happen right, and so it didn't numb me correctly.  And they couldn't give me any more medication until I could move my legs/feet/something.  FINALLY I was able to wiggle my toes, and they gave me another little bit of whatever, and I was finally not feeling any pain.  But let me tell you......going through transition (from 4-10 cm) without drugs, SUCKS.  I would NOT recommend it to anyone.  Although it was probably a bit worse for me since I had gotten the pitocin.  When I was in the middle of the pain, I was screaming for them to just get her out....I told everyone that would listen that I just couldn't do it, and I didn't care if they had to do a section, I just wanted the pain to stop.  The nurse checked me again, and I was at a 10, and ready to go....and it had only been maybe an hour since they gave me the epidural.  They had me push some, and I reached down at one point and felt Ava's head as she was crowning.  They called the midwife, and by the time she got there and ready, I pushed once, Ava's head was delivered, I pushed a 2nd time, and she was here.  It was absolutely the single most amazing moment in my life.  I can't even begin to describe the emotions that went through me at that moment.  The midwife asked if Daddy wanted to cut the cord, and I looked at Joe and we both had tears in our eyes.  They laid her on my belly, and I just couldn't believe she was/is actually here.  I counted her fingers and toes, and just stared at her.  I still just stare at her.

Lindsey was an ENORMOUS emotional support for me, and I do believe for Joe was wonderful having her there to share in our amazing moment with us.  I wish my mom could have been here too, but maybe when we have #2, she'll be able to be there.

I am SO blessed.....I have an amazing husband, the most beautiful daughter ever, and amazing friends and family that have been so supportive through all of our trials and tribulations.  It's amazing how having a child changes your outlook on things, and makes you appreciate everything all the more.

I suppose this should be it for's late (or early....depends on how you look at it) and I need to try and rest a bit before getting Ava and myself ready for Easter Service at church.