So, it's been a week or so since my last post........time just completely gets away from me sometimes. I suppose that's what happens when you have a 1 & 2 year old! :P
I've been talking off and on about going through my miscarriages and the effect that it's had on me and my emotions. I'm not 100% sure what direction I really want to go, other than I want to let other women and men know that they are not alone in their struggles if they've suffered this kind of a loss.
One of the hardest things for me to I guess realize about my miscarriages is that there wasn't anything that I could have done to prevent them. It's just something that happens. Is it fair? Oh hell no. Does that make it any easier to deal with? Nope. But it's just something that for one reason or another happens. I blamed everything under the sun for what was happening to me. I blamed God, my uterus, my smoking, the sunshine on a particularly cloudy day...you name it, I blamed it. The biggest thing that I blamed though, was God.
I couldn't for the life of me understand why a God who was supposed to be loving and caring would put me through all of what I was going through. I was furious. I hurt, and I didn't understand why it was happening to me. It seemed like every time I turned around someone I knew was popping up pregnant.
I prayed for answers that never came, and that just made my heart break more. I wanted to know what was causing me to lose my babies, and the answer never came. I went through months of testing with no conclusive answers, and that just bothered me more than anything.....I didn't know how to fix what was broken.
I felt like my husband deserved someone better....someone that wasn't broken and could give him the children that he deserved to be a father to. He told me something that I will never forget as long as I live....something that every time I think about, I can hear him saying the words. I was having a bad day/night/week, and was nit picking a fight with him. I told him that he deserved someone that could make him a dad, because obviously I couldn't, and he said, "I love YOU. I didn't marry your uterus. I married YOU because you make me complete." I was so completely humbled in that moment....and it definitely helped me get through the rough patch that I was in at the time.
My relationship with God has taken a beating, and I'm slowly working on repairing it. It's a slow road, one that I want to make sure I examine completely and that I don't miss anything. I've stuffed many of the feelings away, and I'm hoping that as I go through this process that I will be able to handle them all.
Having both of my kiddos definitely helped heal my heart in ways that I didn't know was possible. I still have a ways to go, but I've gotten to a point where helping others through the initial broken-ness is helping me.
I volunteer as a Woman Of Empowerment for an amazing organization called Miscarriage Matters. I email with women who are in the midst of their losses and going through those emotions that I didn't have anyone to help me sort through. I find that I am able to offer a shoulder where they may not have anyone to help them sort through the emotions. I feel like my miscarriages were not in vain, and I feel like I am making a difference to someone even if it is in the smallest measure.
I want to make a difference....and I hope that I'm doing that, however small it may be.
Until next time, my friends, may there be light and love on your path. <3