Tuesday, April 23, 2013

The road to mommyhood..........

Continues with pregnancy #2.  As I said the other night, we decided to try for another baby.  Things were cruising right along with Hubby (though he wasn't hubby at that point) and I, and I really wanted to expand the love we had to a baby.  We had talked about the possibility of getting married, and we knew that it was something we wanted to do, but we didn't want to rush into anything either.  We wanted to be able to pay for it all ourselves, especially since my parents were going to be moving out of state, and so we just kind of played it by ear if you will.

Hubby proposed on October 6th, 2007.  It was the night of the Homecoming football game for our high school and I really thought he was going to ask me AT the game....but he didn't.  He asked my dad's permission at the game, and then asked me later that night after we got home.  Of course I said yes, and I was thrilled.  His mom had given him a blue diamond to have set into a mounting to give to me, and it was/is absolutely beautiful.  I was so thrilled.  I still love it to this day.  That was a Friday.

On Monday, I got another positive pregnancy test.  I was terrified, but excited all at the same time.  I went to a different doctor, one who's bedside manner was a tiny bit better.  We told him what had happened with the last pregnancy, and he agreed to do a sonogram to see if we could see what was going on in there.  So, I undressed, and we saw nothing.  He scheduled us to come back in 2 weeks, and said that we could bring parents, if we wanted.  So we came back with my parents and Hubby's mom in tow.  We'd found out the previous December that Hubby's momhad cancer, so this was really important to her.  I undressed, got on the table and everyone came in.  Then we saw it......that little blip on the screen.....there was a flutter, and I cried.  Hubby had tears in his eyes, my mom cried, and so did his.  We didn't get to hear the heartbeat, at least I don't remember hearing it, but I felt SO much better that things were going to be better this time.

We went about our daily lives, and a couple weeks later, my sister in law (well, ex sister in law now.....) called me and told me that she was pregnant too, about 4 weeks ahead of me.  I was SO excited.  She and I were really close, and to be pregnant together was going to be just awesome.  Her and my brother were coming down the following week for Thanksgiving, and I was just thrilled.  Hubby & I went to the holiday party for my job that weekend, and things were great.  We had a nice time, and told our friends about the pregnancy, and just really enjoyed ourselves.

Monday, I came down with a cold, and just was feeling really crappy.  I came home from work, flat out exhausted and called in for the next day, because I didn't want to miss Wednesday since it was the day before Thanksgiving and if I did, I wouldn't get paid for the holiday.  Hubby was at work, and I went to the bathroom, and noticed some blood.  Immediately I freaked out (who wouldn't after going through a miscarriage 3 months prior) and called him to meet me at the emergency room.  My mom came with me until Hubby could get there.  We spent 6 HOURS in the ER, only to be told that they wouldn't do a sonogram because they didn't have the equipment (really??? It's a freaking hospital!!!!) and that my blood levels looked fine, my cervix was closed and it was probably nothing.  I was told to follow up with my doctor the next day and to not worry.  Needless to say, I didn't sleep at all that night.  I called my doctor first thing in the morning, and they got me in a couple hours later.  We went into the sono room, and the tech did the sono, said, "Give me just a minute" and left the room.  When the doctor came in, he said "I'm sorry, there's no heartbeat."  There were never more horrendous words spoken.  I was 9 weeks along, but my baby had died at 8 weeks 5 days.  I still feel the same pain in my heart when I think about it as I did that day.  I was scheduled for a d&c the following day.  So much for not missing work to ensure I got paid for the holiday.  I had the surgery, and felt completely destroyed.  I could hardly stand to be around my family, especially my sister in law, because she was pregnant too.  Thanksgiving was really hard, and it was just a real nightmare to have to try and put on a smile when I felt like I was dying inside.....hell, I was dying.  There was a piece of me that died when I was told there was no heartbeat.

Hubby and I endured 3 more miscarriages over the next 3 years.  We went to 6 different doctors by the time it was all said and done, and no one could tell me why this was happening.  There is no worse feeling than that of wanting a baby and getting pregnant and having that dream of becoming a mommy ripped out of your body.  I felt like less of a woman because I couldn't do the thing I was born to do....something that is supposed to just happen.  I felt like Hubby deserved someone that could make him the father he was so eager to become.

I was slipping into a huge depression, and could feel myself distancing from him.  I didn't want him to touch me, because I was terrified of getting pregnant and losing it again.  I had SO many procedures done to try and figure out what could be causing the losses, and there was never an answer.  In one of my more desperately lost moments I told Hubby that I would completely understand if he wanted to leave me.  He deserved to be a daddy, and that was something that I obviously couldn't give him.  He said something to me that night that has stuck with me and made me love him all the more.....he said, "I didn't marry your uterus.  There are other ways we can become parents."  He couldn't have been more supportive during everything that we went through.  It was amazing, and I was and still am SO blessed that he chose me to spend his life with.

Anyway, we decided to look into becoming foster parents, and went through the classes and got licensed.  I got on an "I want to be healthier" kick and quit smoking, we started eating better, the whole nine yards.  We had kept in touch with our licensing worker, almost weekly, to see if they had any word of a placement for us.  I got laid off from my job on June 30th of 2010, which was devastating for me, because I really liked the place I was working.  The boss was kind of a jerk, but I liked the office environment.  I enjoyed being at home collecting unemployment though.....lol.  It wasn't ideal, but hey...it still paid the bills.

Then on August 2nd, we got the phone call that would change so much in our lives.........................

But again, for now, this is it.  I have to get up early, and it's late, and my girl is coughing and coughing, so I need to give her some medicine.

I hope I'm not boring you all too much.....this story is long, I know, but it's what has made me who I am.

So, for now, sweet dreams.  Stay safe and be blessed my friends....until we meet again.

Monday, April 22, 2013

The beginning......................

So, to start the "series" of blog posts that I have planned in my head, I suppose I need to start at the beginning.......or maybe it would be better stated to give you a little bit of background on myself.

I married my ex husband at the age of 20.  He and I started dating in high school, my sophmore year to be exact.  He was the guy who got my virginity, and because of how I was brought up, I figured that meant that I had to marry him.  Looking back at things now, that was way off, but I wouldn't change the way things happened, at all.  Our relationship was rocky at best, and it was not easy.  We separated in 2003, for a couple of months.  We went to marriage counselling, tried getting back together, and I found out I was pregnant.  He was less than happy about it, and we fought and fought.  He wanted me to "get rid of it."  I refused, because I wanted nothing more than to be a mom, and so when I absolutely refused, he knocked me around so much that I lost the baby anyway.  Our relationship was never the same after that.  Things went downhill pretty fast, and in early 2004 I finally wised up and walked away.  Our divorce was final on April 12, 2004. 

I went through a dating phase, where I really tried to find myself and figure out who I was and what I wanted out of my life.  It wasn't easy, and it was a hard road to the self discovery that I so desperately needed, but I made it and figured out what I wanted in my life.

Now we arrive at July of 2006.  There was a group of us that got together to discuss what we wanted to do/what needed done for our 10 year high school reunion.  There were a bunch of people that I wanted to see after moving back from Massachusetts, so I opted to go.  I was able to catch up with a few friends that I hadn't seen in several years, a couple that I even hadn't seen since high school.  We were all sitting at a table getting ready to start the in depth discussion, and I saw someone walking over out of the corner of my eye.......and there he was.  Hubby.  He looked as good as I remember him looking, and he smiled at me and I was a goner.  Lol.  Hubby and I actually dated our freshman year.  He was my first official boyfriend in high school.  I broke up with him AT the Homecoming dance for his best friend.  Yeah, I was horrible.  Lol.  Anyway, I digress....He and I ended up staying 2 hours after everyone else left, just talking and playing catch up on our lives since we'd seen one another last.

I told him of my divorce, he told me of his separation, and we parted ways with a hug and an exhange of phone numbers.  He said he would stop by the gas station where I was working on his way to work the next day to say hi.  He did, and then that night when he got off work, he stopped by my parents house and we ended up staying up all night long just talking.  He kissed me goodbye when he left that morning, and we've been together ever since.

We moved in together 4 months later, in the middle of November, and everything was just going wonderfully.  We loved living together, still do as a matter of fact, and we just really enjoyed being a newly in love couple.  We went out with our friends, spent time with family, and were completely infatuated with one another.

In mid July of 2007, I woke up in the morning not feeling quite right.  I had been on the depo shot, and hadn't had a period in over a year.  I had spotted some the month before, and didn't really think a whole lot of it.  So, when I got to looking at the calendar, I realized that I was about a week late....compared to the spotting that I'd had the month before.  Hubby was asleep in bed, and I didn't want to wake him, so I decided to stop on my way to work and grab a pregnancy test.  I took it when I got to work, and lo and behold, it was positive.  I was TERRIFIED.  We hadn't talked about that kind of thing, at all.  I was so scared that he was going to flip out and take off....it was horrible.  I somehow or other made it through the day at work, and told a few friends about the pregnancy, and then I went home.  Hubby was at work, and was not home when I got there.  I had no idea how I was going to tell him, so I opted to get a card, put the test in it, and leave it on our dining room table.  I waited and waited for him to get home so that he would see it and we could talk about it.

He finally got home, and I was waiting in the bedroom for him, because I didn't want to see his face.  I was SO nervous and scared.  He went into the bathroom, and then came in the bedroom to change his clothes.  I asked if he'd seen it, he said yeah, and I asked, "okay, so????" He said it was fine.  I said so you aren't going to freak out on me?  He said, and I quote, "I'm almost 30, why would I freak out?  You are who I want to have a family with, so let's do it."  I couldn't have been more thrilled.  I got it confirmed, and we decided to tell parents.  I was terrified to tell my parents, because we weren't married, but they were happy.  Of course, my dad asked when we were going to get married, and I told him that it would have to wait until after the baby came.

About 2 weeks later, I went to work like normal.  I had noticed when I got up and was getting ready that my breasts didn't feel quite as sore.  I had to go to the bathroom, and when I got in there, I noticed the spotting.  I FREAKED.  I called the doctor's office, and they said it could be nothing, but since I was so worried that I could come in and they would check me out.  I called Hubby and my parents, and my dad ended up meeting me at the doctor's office, because Hubby was at work and couldn't leave, and my mom couldn't come either.  I waited for 1/2 of forever it seemed like, and finally got called back to a room.  The doctor did a quick pelvic exam and said that my cervix was open and there was nothing he could do about it, that I was going to lose the baby and that it was just something that happened, and sent me on my way.  There was no compassion, nothing.  I was devastated.  I called my mom and told her, got ahold of Hubby and let him know, and attempted to go back to work.  Needless to say, that didn't work out well, so I went home and tried to stop thinking about it.  Then the cramping started.  I went through the contractions and bleeding and misery for about the next 4 or 5 hours before it eased up.

I was absolutely inconsolable for the next week or two.  Nothing anyone said made me feel better, at all.  I didn't know if I would ever be able to get over it.  I was horrified at the thought of having sex and trying to have another baby.  I mourned that baby, even though I had not seen the heartbeat or felt anything.  All I had to go on was that positive pregnancy test, but in my mind, I pictured a baby with his ears, my eyes, his smile............and that dream was ripped from me.  It was a horrific feeling, and the worst part was that I had no friends or family immediately around me that had any clue what it was like.  I felt totally alone and had no idea how to deal with any of the emotions that were rattling around in my head.  I couldn't eat, I didn't sleep, it took everything I had to peel myself off the couch and out of bed to shower and go to work.

We took a small weekend trip up to Elgin, IL for a softball tournament for the place that Hubby was working at the time, so that he could play with the team, but also to try and get me out of the funk that I fell into.  It was a good trip, and I only lost it a couple times.  But luckily for me, Hubby is the amazing man that he is, and he was right there by my side hugging me and holding me whenever I needed it. 

About 3 weeks later, we decided that we would go ahead and try again.  It was like I needed to try and replace the baby we lost, and the only thing that I wanted was another baby.  I will have to continue the story on another night.

I am exhausted and need to get to bed, because I know my kiddos will be up at the butt crack of dawn. 

Again, if you know someone that may benefit from hearing the story of someone that has been in their shoes, please send them my way.  I hope to continue my story in the next day or two.  It's a long one, so it'll take more than 1 more post....lol.  So, I will end with saying stay safe and be blessed my friends, until we meet again.

Saturday, April 20, 2013

Recent events and a possible change of pace.......

So, I've had a lot rattling around in my brain for the last several weeks, and I'm still trying to sort it all out while getting it out in black and white too. 

One of my closest friends from high school, someone I consider almost like a sister, was told a long time ago that she would never be able to have kids.  Her and her husband had decided that this was okay with them, and they were content living their life for just the two of them.  Well, life decided to throw them a curve ball, and in July of last year, she gave birth to a gorgeous baby boy.  He is an absolute doll and a good mix of both my friends.  They in turn decided that they wanted to go ahead and have another baby, because one is so fun, two has to be better, right?  Lol.  Well, at any rate, I got a text from her one day asking me about the age difference between my two, and what it was like, and so being the friend that can typically read very well between the lines, I asked if she was pregnant.  Lo and behold, she told me yes.  I screamed like the girl that I am, even though she told me thru texts, and we started discussing due dates and sexes and all the stuff that friends talk about when they find out the other is pregnant.

Sadly, about 2 weeks later, I got the call that no one ever wants to hear......She was having a miscarriage and losing the baby. :( I have tears in my eyes right now, just remembering the phone call.  I hadn't actually talked to her on the phone in a REALLY long time, because really, who talks anymore?  I was so thrilled to hear the sound of her voice.  I asked her what's up, and she said," I need you, because I know you will understand," and I instantaniously KNEW.  She didn't even have to say the words out loud.  Sadly, it's something that I am all too familiar with.  I talked to her for a few more minutes, but she was on her way to pick up her hubby from work.  She had someone with her, so I knew that I didn't need to worry, at least not about her being alone.  I've continued to check in on her every so often, much more frequently than before, and luckily I'm going to be seeing her next week sometime, so I'll be able to give her the big hug that I know she needs from someone who completely understands each and every emotion that she is going thru.

Miscarriage tends to be a pretty taboo subject, especially amongst those who have never been through it.  It's not something that many people will just openly talk about, and really, it should be.  It shouldn't be something that a woman should feel ashamed of, or alone in, because sadly, it is more common than a lot of people realize.  It is a secret sisterhood that no one ever wants to be a part of.  It's a sisterhood of women who for the most part suffer in silence, because they are either afraid that no one will understand, or don't know anyone who has actually gone through the horrific experience that it is.

I haven't talked about my miscarriages here, because the blog originally started when Hubby and I became foster parents of twins.  I found out I was pregnant with my girl around the same time, and so my kiddos have just kind of taken over what I talk about. 

I mentioned at the beginning of the post that I had some things rattling around in my head, and this is probably the biggest one.  I want to go back to the beginning of my journey to becoming a mom, because it is a vital part of how I came out on the side of mommyhood, and it's made becoming a mom a completely different experience for me than for many of my friends and woman that I know in my life.  I want to give you guys a more real glimpse into me and who I am and why I am, because every piece of the story has formed me into who/what I am.

I hope you will all join me for the bumpy ride.  Revisiting things is sure to make me cry, but I hope that hearing my story will help someone who is going through the darkness see that there is hope of coming out on the other side.  Also, please....if you know someone that is going through it, send them my way.  Maybe my words will have a comforting effect and let them know that they are not alone.

This is going to be it for tonight......I'm exhausted after not sleeping well last night.  So, for tonight, stay safe and be blessed my friends....until we meet again.

Saturday, April 13, 2013

Middle of April already.......................

And I swear time is just on hyper speed anymore.  My little man is 8 months old today. <3 Seems like I JUST had him, and he's closer to 1 than birth.  It's just insane.  It seems like the more I want time to slow down, the faster it goes.

We spent Easter in San Antonio with my brother, sister-in-law, nephew and my parents.  It was nice.  Our last big family holiday, since my brother and sister-in-law are moving to Japan in about 4 weeks.  I am in no way looking forward to them leaving.  My brother and I are finally getting our relationship on track, and he's leaving. :( I am determined not to let the move derail things, but I know it's going to be hard.  I think that there's an app I can get on my phone that will show what time it is over there versus what time it is here.  I need to look.  I do believe that they are pretty much a day ahead of us here, but I'm just not sure.

We had pictures of all the kids (well, the kids that are in TX anyway) taken with the Easter bunny, and the one of the 3 of them is just hella cute.  They are just all so stinking cute.  My nephew is getting so long....he's gonna be tall, I think.  Both my brother and sister in law are tall, so it makes sense.

I really need a new desk chair....this one sucks.  It came with the desk when I ordered the desk, and lemme tell ya.......It doesn't lean back, you can't adjust how close to the front the back is, and I just really don't like it.  So, on the agenda SOON is getting a new one.  The one that I really want is over $100, which is just stupid to me, but whatever.  I will pay the price to be able to sit comfortably.  Especially if I'm going to be doing it for an extended period of time.

My emotions have been all sorts of out of whack today.  There have been several times that I have just wanted to sit and cry for no apparent reason.  I've heard several songs today that have brought tears to my eyes. 

It's getting late, and I know that my kids are going to be up early.

Have a great night, and I'll catch ya on the flip side.

Stay safe and be blessed my friends, until we meet again.