Saturday, December 29, 2012

Brain dump.....(stolen from NSM)

My goodest (I'll explain that) friend over at Non-Stop Mom has used the title brain dump for a blog post or two, and so I figured that I would steal it.  The goodest thing comes from me finding the term "Best Friend" a bit childish sometimes.  I have multiple friends that would fall into the best friend category (going based on what it meant to me in high school) and I feel like titling them in that manner wouldn't do any of them justice, so I figure goodest, even though it's not really a word, works.

I've been having a more than difficult time here lately.  I don't know if it's post partum depression setting in (even though my boy is 4 1/2 months old) or if it's just my hormones being completely jacked from the hysterectomy.  I'm moody, I'm depressed, I am constantly mad at Hubby, and I feel unwelcome in my own home.  I let things go (Oh Em Gee you should see the piles upon piles of laundry) and I just frankly don't care.  I put on this front, that everything is fine and dandy, and that things couldn't be better, yada yada yada, when in fact, I feel like things are coming apart at the seams.  We're behind on bills, I need a job, money only goes so far, and I just don't know what the fark we're going to do.

And maybe that's the #1 issue.....I NEED a job.  I've been on 4 interviews in the last several weeks, and have gotten turned away by ALL of them.  The one I even got a 2nd interview, and was still passed over for someone else.  I know I would be a good employee for someone if they would just give me a freakin chance.  I can't even get someone to let me in the door.  And it's frustrating.  And a bit embarrassing, truth be told.  I have never had so much trouble getting a stinking job.  I've always been able to find a job and change jobs fairly easily.  And maybe that's part of the reason that people are turning me away.  The longest job that I've had was the 2 years that I worked for Zales, and the 2 years that I worked for Comcast.  That's been it.  Nothing longer.  I WANT to stay at a job long term.  I want to fidn the place I can retire from.  I NEED a job so desperately bad, but having one vehicle is making it very difficult to find something, and having 2 kids is making it even mroe difficult, because the cost of day care is stupid.

I don't even feel like I can vent about anything.  I suppose I'm just going to go to bed, and then I don't have to even think about anything either.

Sunday, December 23, 2012

Holy jeebus......

It must be a Christmas miracle......2 posts in one week! :P

This holiday has snuck up on me much quicker than I would have liked to admit.  It's insane to me how fast it got here, and how unprepared I feel for it.  All my shopping is done, got it all done last week, but I still just don't feel ready.

I have all the gifts to wrap yet.  I have some baking/cooking to do, and a big chunk of my family isn't going to be here. *sigh*

My brother JA and sister in law D are separated.  She went on vacation to IL this summer, and decided to not come back.  She took my nephews, and has been pretty well not talking to anyone.  I have my opinions about it, which I will keep to myself, because they are NOT very nice, and I don't want to be super bitch this close to Christmas.  So, anyway, since they are in IL, my brother is driving up there to see them....and I'm glad that he is, because he needs to be with his boys for Christmas.  I just wish that they were HERE.  But that's just not going to happen.

Hubby & I are planning a trip to IL in the spring to visit, since it will be almost 2 years since we've been back up there.  That seems insane to me, because it really doesn't feel like it's been that long.  Anyhoo, when we go up there, I'm not sure that we will go and see my nephews.  D was supposed to be one of my best friends, and she just completely cut me out of her and my nephews' lives, so I just don't know that I want to have anything to do with her at all.  And if that means that I don't get to see my nephews, then so be it.  I am hurt and sad and a whole miriad of emotions, and at this point in time, I don't want to see her.  So, unless something changes between now and then, we likely won't see the boys when we go up either.

So, for that reason (the separation that is) this holiday season has been really tough for me.  I'm sure it's been even worse for my brother, and I know it's been hard on my mom too.  Then knowing that this is the last Christmas that we'll have JM & T & the baby here for a few years is hard too.  But, we're going to get some good pics of the kids over the course of the next few days, and hopefully after income taxes, we'll get some family pics done, and it'll all be good.

I suppose since I have to be up early to get ready for church that I should get to bed.  C is going to be baby Jesus for the Christmas program tomorrow, and we're having breakfast at church beforehand.  I hope he does okay.  He should.....I just need to make sure and feed him before the service, and maybe he will just sleep through 

Anyway, I will probably not be back on before Christmas Day, so I just want to say Merry Christmas to all you beautiful followers.  I hope Santa is good to each and every one of you, and may God's light shine on you during this wonderful time of year. <3

Stay safe and be blessed my friends, until we meet again.

Wednesday, December 19, 2012

Terrible, horrible, no good, very bad............

At keeping up with posting on my blog.  *sigh* I just feel so overwhelmed 99% of the time that I just don't think about writing here.  And I totally should, because this would be a fantastic place for me to get out all my frustrations.

Life always seems to get in the way of everything for me these days.  I lose touch with friends, I don't write in my blog, I just can't seem to get anything under control.

The kids are getting big.  C turned 4 months old last week already, and A is 20 months.  Hard to believe that my miracle baby is going to be 2 in March. And C is getting SO's crazy.  I am so blessed to have my babies.

So I mentioned in my last post that I was going to have a partial hysterectomy.  I did, and things went well.  I've had some struggles with hormones, and my moods swing from good to bad to worse in minutes, but I don't regret it at all.  The recovery process was long and frustrating, and I didn't think I was ever going to feel better or want to have sex again, but slowly things are attempting to get back to normal.  I really wish I would have done a bit more research on what to expect after a hysterectomy, because I was totally NOT prepared for the drastic shift in my emotions.  I felt like a nut job, and still do some of the time.  I find myself being really short tempered, and I lose my temper very quickly with Hubby.  And most of the time, he's not really done anything to tick me off, but I'm mad.  It's annoying.  Sex is not high on my radar these days either.  That is getting better, but there for a while, I couldn't stand him touching me.  That is definitely better, but my sex drive is just in the toilet.  It's annoying to say the least, and I'm sure it makes him feel like crap too.

Christmas is upon us, and I have completed my shopping.....kind of.  I still need to get something for Hubby's brother and sister in law, but I'm going to have to order it online and have it sent to them, because I can't find what I want here, and I'm running out of time.  I hate waiting until the last stinking minute, and it seems like that's what I always end up doing.  I have swore to myself that next year (if there is know, the world is supposed to end this week) I am going to have ALL my Christmas shopping DONE by Thanksgiving weekend.  I am NOT going to do this crap again.  But I say that every year, and every year I'm doing most if not all my shopping the week before Christmas when all the crazies are out.  This is my favorite time of year, but holy cow....People really get stupid crazy around Christmas.  I can't tell you the number of times that I got bumped into, cursed at, and pushed while walking through the mall.  Yes, I have a double stroller.  The thing is as big as a tank, so HOW does someone NOT see it?  If you walk into me, guess what, that's not MY fault.  Watch where you are walking.  I say excuse me if I need to.  Do not give me a dirty look because you are blocking the aisle while talking all ghetto on your phone.  I said EXCUSE ME! *sigh*

Now that I've ranted about that.......................I'm searching hard core for a job.  It's not something that I want to have to do, but I really don't have much of a choice.  I have to be able to take care of my kids, and let's just be honest, that's REALLY difficult to do most of the time with only one income.  We're doing okay, but definitely could be doing better.  I have had several interviews, and I know that I didn't get 2 of the jobs. :( It made me sad, because I felt like they both went really well, but *shrug* What do ya do?  I had another interview on Friday, and it went pretty good too.  I'm going to call the lady I interviewed with tomorrow, just to check in and see if they are anywhere near making a decision.  I really think I would like working at this job, because there is plenty of room for advancement, and some pretty awesome opportunities available with it.  I can only hope and pray that this is the job for me, and that this is God's plan for my life.  We need the money, and we would only have to put the kids in daycare for a couple hours a day, which would be ideal.

My brother and sister in law had a baby in October, and so I have another new nephew.  This is NOT the brother and sister in law that were having issues....they are over, and she's not talking to me anymore, so I'm done.  JM & T live in San Antonio, and JM Jr was born October 26th, so he's 2 1/2 months younger than C.  And SUPER adorable.  We found out a couple weeks ago that JM, T & JM Jr are moving to JAPAN in April-ish.  Yeah, I said Japan.  JM is in the Air Force, and where they tell him to go is where he goes.  I'm sad, but I know that it's a fantastic opportunity for them, and they are going to get to see some pretty amazing stuff, and will hopefully send some pretty amazing pictures. ;)

Well, I suppose this is long winded enough....I need to get some homework done, because I need to get to bed soon.  I'm fighting a stupid sinus infection, and need to get better so that I can love on my nephew this coming week while they are here for Christmas.

I promise I am going to try and be better about keeping this up.....I need to just work it into my daily routine.  We'll see if that happens. :P

Stay safe and be blessed my friends, until we meet again.