Tuesday, December 9, 2014

It's been 7 years....

And there are days when the sting is still as fresh as the day it happened.  I'm not sure why this year has been so hard, but for whatever reason, I've been feeling the sadness and overwhelming difficulty that was losing my 2nd pregnancy.

I still remember every single minute of the 3 days from the first spotting to the aftermath of the D&C like it was yesterday.  I have gone over and over and over every detail in my head for the last couple weeks, every day.  I wonder what would have been, who Baby would look more like, what Baby would be doing in school, how Baby would be with Cookie & Muscles......I think about it almost constantly.

We had 5 miscarriages before we were blessed with Cookie, but this one ~ the second one ~ was just different.  We saw the heartbeat.  Everyone saw the heartbeat.  My parents and Hubby's mom included.  We gave a copy of the sono pic to my grandparents, his aunt, our parents....we just knew that this was the one....the one that would stick, the one that would be at our wedding when we got married the following year. I had so many dreams, hopes and ideas of what life would be like as parents.

I envisioned our baby playing with our friends' kids as they grew up together.  I saw Hubby pushing Baby on the swing, teaching Baby to ride a bike, throwing a base/softball in the yard...........so many things.  So many things that we'll be able to do with Cookies & Muscles, but not with Baby.  And that makes me sad.

I often wonder how Cookie would be with an older sibling....and that's something that I'll never know.  At some point, I think we'll probably tell Cookie and Muscles about their siblings in heaven.....I'm just not sure when or how.  They are too young at this point to understand, so I'm sure that it will have to wait until they are much older.  And I know they will have questions, and so I'm going to have to figure out how to answer those questions.

The last week or two has been really hard, trying to deal with everything that's been going through my head.  Don't get me wrong....I am SO thankful to have Cookie and Muscles, and I couldn't imagine my life without them.  They fill my heart with so much happiness and love, but there are times that I long for the babies that I lost....all the while knowing if I had them, I wouldn't have Cookie & Muscles, so it's a double edged sword.

While thinking about the what if's hurts, it also makes me smile, because I know that I will see them again someday.....and I know that they are content in Heaven with Hubby's mom, aunt, uncle and my grandparents that have passed.  And one day, I will have the answer to the "why did this happen to me?" question that has been tormenting me.

I hope that you are all well and enjoying this holiday season.

Light, Love & Christmas lights.  Until we meet again my friends!

Thursday, December 4, 2014

Bit of a new look....and new outlook.

It's been a while, and for that I apologize.  Life tends to get in the way more than I want to admit, and I just don't have the online access from the computer that I used to have.  Hopefully after the first of the year that will change, and it'll be back to business as close to normal as I get.

I absolutely LOVE this time of year.  Christmas has always been, for a multitude of reasons, my favorite "season."  There's just something about the twinkling lights and ornaments and Christmas trees that makes me feel good and loved and all those happy things.  There's just nothing quite like it.

I wanted the page to reflect that a bit, so I changed the over all look and hope that it's not too boring.....

I'm trying to change my outlook on a lot of things, especially when it comes to my kids.  The last several months have been stressful and kind of crazy, but during this Christmas season, I'm trying really hard to concentrate on the important things, and not worry so much about the silly little stuff.  It's a lot easier said than done, but I'm really trying.

Cookie and Muscles will only be little for so long, ya know?  I want them to look back on their childhoods with as much love and adoration as I look back on mine, and being a yelling, unhappy mom isn't going to accomplish that.  I really need to work on remembering that they are little, and may not listen all the time like I think they should.....but they are learning, and growing, and there will soon come a time when they won't want to snuggle and be up my butt 24/7.  And those times are coming quicker than I really think I'm ready for.  There are days that it is really hard to remember that, and I need to make an active choice to remember that and really enjoy this time with them.

They are learning and growing and so curious about everything.  I need to slow down and soak it up and not get flustered with the 90 million "why" questions that I get, especially from Cookie.  She is curious, and wants to learn, and I need to nurture that and help her to figure things out.

I'm trying hard to learn to enjoy the moments with my babies, because they won't be babies forever.....and some days that is REALLY hard to remember.

I know this is another short post, but I'm battling the sickies, and really should go to bed so that I'm not even worse tomorrow. :)

So, for now, I'll say goodnight, and I PROMISE that I will work really hard at trying to get more posts out to my (few) loyal followers.

Light, love and cough medicine. <3 Until we meet again!

Monday, December 1, 2014

Long time

It's been a while, and I am sorry about that. Life is crazy, in a good way most of the time, and I just don't take the time to sit and write like I should. I wanted to pop in quickly and let you know I was still alive, and will try and pound out a better post later.

Light, love and cold days