Saturday, July 30, 2011

My heart is heavy tonight....

and I don't know what to do.  It's not anything that I can really publicly talk about....well, at least the situation isn't.  A very dear friend is having a VERY trying time right now, and I feel like I can't be there for this person in the capacity that I used to be able to before I had Ava and before I was enrolled in school.  All I can do is answer texts when they come in, and provide a quick word of love and support on Facebook.  I feel like a horrible friend.  And I am 100% sure that they don't see me as such, but I still feel like a heel.

I promise that I'm going to call, and then I get sidetracked with the baby, or school or something.  I really need to get better about it.  And the really sad part is, when I have the time, like now, it's too late to call anyone, and not only that, but living with my parents, it's not like I can just be up and on the phone til all hours like I was able to when I lived on my own.  I have to be courteous of their time schedule as much as my own.

All I can really do at this point is send up all the prayers that I can muster.  I know that God is always listening, so I can pray that He provide them the strength to endure all that is being thrown their way, and that they would take the time to listen to what He is saying.  I would also pray that they be given the peace that they are due, so that they know that I'm here, even when I feel far away.

On that note, I'm going to sit here and eat my chocolate caramel thingy and then drink some more of my Diet Coke (because Diet Pepsi is NASTY, contrary to Amy's beliefs) and then head to bed.  Got church in the morning, and who knows what else tomorrow afternoon.

Be blessed my friends.

Thursday, July 28, 2011

Another late night

So, I have been doing a lot of thinking today.  I feel so out of touch with my feels like I haven't talked to anyone here lately.  A lot of that has to do with the fact that I have a 4 month old (as of Saturday!) and I'm going to school and looking for a job.  I thought I would have a lot more free time than what I do.....but it feels like as soon as she's down to nap, I have homework or laundry or something that needs to get done, and I don't have a moment to pick up the phone and call anyone.  And when I do have a spare moment, it seems like the second I sit down to pick up the phone to call someone, something comes up and I have to do this that or the other thing.

I said something a while ago about joining Weight Watchers, and I haven't said anymore about it since.  I've had some good weeks, and some bad weeks, but over all I'm down 11 pounds.  This is wonderful.  I am really proud of myself, because this is the first time in a long time that anything I've done to try and lose weight has worked.  I'm on my way to a healthier me, a better mommy for Ava.  Joe is on the journey too, and has so far lost about 16 or so pounds.  Which is wonderful for him.  I'm proud of him, and this is only going to make things better for us in the long run.

He's enjoying his job, and seems to be doing fairly well.  He will be company sometime in September (he's working through a temp agency right now), and when he goes company, he will get about a $4 raise, which will be nice.  I'm still going to have to work, but may be able to get away with only working part time.  We'll have to see what happens.

I may have a job interview soon, for a dispatch position with a propane/gas company.  I sent them an email on Tuesday, and have been talking with the recruiter back and forth.  She's trying to figure out time to have me come in for an interview, so if you all could send me happy thoughts/prayers/good vibes, it would be much appreciated.  That will only make my life busier, I'm sure, and I'm really not looking forward to leaving Ava, but it's a necessary evil, unfortunately.  I would MUCH rather stay home with her, but that's just not a realistic possibility.  I am praying that this job works out, because it's right here in town, and would be much easier than trying to get to Sealy or Brenham....both of which are about 25 minutes away, and the closest towns to where we live.

I must say, I absolutely LOVE it here.  Texas is a beautiful state, and even though we have to drive almost an hour to find a mall, now that I'm here, I wouldn't want to live anywhere else.  Couple the beautiful area with the fact that my family is all here or nearby, and I'm a happy camper.  We've even joined a church that makes us feel at home, and though we haven't been for the last 2 Sundays, I look forward to going every week, and am excited for Ava to grow to know God there.  They have an amazing children's program, so once she's big enough, she'll be taking part in that.

I suppose I should close out for tonight...I have an early morning tomorrow, and really need to get some sleep.  Be blessed my friends, until we meet again

Tuesday, July 26, 2011

Should be in bed sleeping....

But, of course, I'm not.  I am sitting here in the living room, and I should be working on homework, since I wasn't able to get anything done today, but I'm not.  I'm sitting here messing around on Facebook, and writing here.  I am still contemplating what I want to do as far as Scentsy goes.  I did have a call from a place about a potential job today, and she asked for more job history, which I emailed to her.  I was hoping for a call back today, but that didn't happen.  So, I will hope and pray for a call tomorrow.  It's a job right here in town, and that would work out wonderfully.  I would LOVE to work for this place too.  From the sounds of it, they are a wonderful company to work for.  I am really hoping that something comes along soon.

I suppose even though this is super short, I should get off here and go to bed.  I'm fairly certain that Ava will be up early, and I didn't sleep very well last night.  Night night.

Monday, July 25, 2011

Later in the day....

and I still find myself with an over-active brain trying to sort through what I need/want to do. *sigh*  I am so content being able to stay home with Ava, but at the same time, I long to have "adult" time.  And I feel like a total heel for even letting those words appear on the page.  I tried for so long to have her, and I am so happy that she is finally here, but I can't help but feel the need to get out of the house and do something productive.  I do so much around the house, but I don't feel like that's productive. *sigh*  Does any of this even make any sense?  I would love to have the way with words that my dear friend Dawn does, and make a living at writing, but alas, I don't.  That still wouldn't really get me out of the house though either.

I talked to Joe some more, and looking at money, I will likely be able to just work part time, which would be better than working full least right now, until I'm done with school.

  I was going to try and type more, but I am SO exhausted, it's not even funny.  I will try and collect my thoughts and post tomorrow....

Contemplating new adventures....

I posted that I was starting the process of looking for a job.  I hate it.  I really do.  I don't want to go back to work.  But in order for Joe and I to eventually be able to move out of Mom and Dad's, we have to save some money, and we aren't going to do that very well on his paycheck alone.  I wish that we could, because I would love to not have to go back to work until after I'm done with school, but that just isn't a realistic possibility.  So, I've been looking at what I could possibly do from home to avoid having to put Ava in daycare.

I am seriously thinking about becoming a Scentsy rep.  If you haven't heard of Scentsy, you need to go to the website, and check it out.  It's  The stuff is fantastic.  It smells amazing, there's no flame, and some of the warmers are super cute.  I am just not 100% sure about it.  I'm going to talk to Joe and see what he thinks, and go from there.  I am fairly certain that between people Mom knows, people Danielle knows, and my nephew's school I could probably get a fair share of business.  Plus I have Terra over in San Antonio, and I have a slew of friends online too.....I will just have to really market myself well, and I know that Terra can help me with that.

I just know that I need to find something that I can do to bring in some money, and I really don't want to have a regular job and put Ava in daycare yet.  We'll see what happens.  This is it for now...

Sunday, July 17, 2011

Titles are over-rated.

So, I'm not going to have one today. :)  I have a killer headache, and should totally be in bed, but I just can't seem to find the motivation to get up off my big butt and go there.I would love nothing more than to sleep, but I know that I will go in the bedroom and lay there and toss and turn.  So I sit here at the computer, watching some cop show on tv, although I'm not really watching it, it's just on for noise.

I am starting the process of looking for a job.  I really don't want to, because I don't want to leave Ava, at all, and I'm still in school, but the fact is, if Joe and I are ever going to be able to get some money saved and get a car, and move into a place of our own, I HAVE to get a job.  I'd love to find something that I can work from home, because then I wouldn't have to put Ava in day care, but I don't know how realistic that is.  We'll have to see.  I have sent out several resumes, and will continue to do so, and pray that I hear something about a job soon.  I'm going kind of stir crazy, and would love to have a job that I can really enjoy....we'll see what happens though.

I suppose this is it for tonight...I know it's not a long entry, but this headache is seriously going to kill me, so I'm just going to go to bed and try to sleep it off.

2 AM, and I'm still awake with the books wide open.....

And I really shouldn't be.  I'm going to be super crabby tomorrow, and I just know it.  I would love nothing more than to just go to bed, but my stupid procrastinating self decided to not work on homework as much as I should have this week, and so it's due tomorrow, and I have about 1/2 of it done.  That's not enough, especially since a good chunk of the day I'm going to be gone.  The business law homework is going to kill me probably, because a lot of it is stuff that's hard to understand, and the instructor I have has not answered any of the emails that I've sent him regarding ANYTHING.  It's really starting to tick me off.  I'm worried though that if I complain to the school about it, that it will end up affecting my grade, and I don't want that to happen.  It would be nice to know what my grade even is at this point. :(

This is going to be a short post, because I have quickly run out of steam.  I'm irritated, and really just can't stand to look at the books or the computer anymore.  I'm going to shut off the tv and go to bed.  8:00 is going to come awful early, especially considering it's almost 2:30 now.

Friday, July 15, 2011

Ticking clock and coffee....

That's what I have in front of me this morning.  Mom and Dad are going out and about today, so I had to take Joe to work today so that I could have the car in case I need/want to go anywhere.  They will take the truck on their adventure, and I'll have to pick Joe up from work, which is long as I don't  We woke up late (imagine that) because Joe shut off his alarm and didn't get out of bed.  Luckily though, my internal alarm went off at 10 til 6 and we were able to get up, dressed, his lunch made (by me), breakfast eaten (my breakfast is the coffee that I'm drinking now) and out the door in time to get him to work on time so that he wasn't late.  Holy crap, that looks like a run on  Mom got up with Ava so that I didn't have to take a screaming baby with me to drop him off, and once I got home, she laid Ava back in her crib since she had fallen back asleep, and went back to bed herself.  My grandma is not doing well at all, and Mom isn't handling it very well either, and so she had a rough night last night.  I honestly did too.  I'm not ready to lose another grandparent....especially since she hasn't met Ava yet.  I know that I am very lucky to be 32 and still have 3 of the 4 grandparents, but I'm selfish damn it, and I am not ready for her to leave yet.  I haven't called to talk to her lately, and that's mainly because I don't think I can get through the conversation without crying.  I know that's stupid, but she's dealing with enough, she doesn't need to listen to me on the phone crying.  I also think part of it is that I'm not ready to say my goodbyes.  I didn't get the opportunity to say goodbye to my grandad when he died, and so I don't want that to happen again, but I can't bring myself to call.  Grandma doesn't last long on the phone anyways, so it would likely be a short conversation, and I could probably get off the phone before I started the crying stuff, but I still just can't pick up the phone and dial. **sigh**  So, instead, I sit here at the computer, tears welling up in my eyes, thinking about all the reasons that I SHOULD call.....and not doing it, because it's only 5:46AM there.

So, somehow or another I have to figure out a way for us to get to California.  I don't know how...or if Joe will even be able to get the time off work.  I just know nothing at this point, other than I HAVE to get there.  I'm almost jealous of the cousins/aunts/uncles that live out there, because they are all within quick driving distance.  It won't take them 3 days and $100s of dollars in gas to get there.  I don't know that I'll be able to get there in time for Grandma to meet Ava or not.  I kind of don't think so.

This just sucks.  I know it's a fact of life, and it's part of the process or whatever, but that doesn't change the fact that it sucks. And let me tell you.....IT SUCKS.

That's the thing about one really thinks about the death that occurs too.  One day, my daughter is going to be thinking the same thoughts, feeling the same feelings that I am.  And I'm going to be thinking and feeling the same as my mom.  I am really glad that we made the decision to move to Texas, because I am getting time with my mom that she didn't get with hers, because we've lived so far away from California for so long.  And I'm sure my mom feels regret that she didn't get the time with Grandma that her siblings have gotten....and that makes me very sad for her.  My grandma knows that my mom loves her, that I'm sure of.  I wish I had a magic wand or something that could whisk Mom and I out there for a that she could spend more time with Grandma, and Grandma could hold Ava.....but, this isn't Harry Potter.

I suppose I should get some homework done, since it's not going to do itself.

Wednesday, July 13, 2011

Early mornings, coffee, and Grey's Anatomy

There's nothing quite like waking up at 5:10 in the morning after not going to bed until almost midnight to the coos of your beautiful baby girl, and going over to the crib, turning on the mobile light, and seeing her smile at you with that "I TOTALLY love you Mommy" look.  She makes me the happiest person in the world when she smiles at me, and there's nothing in the world that is more amazing to me than her.  I am SO blessed in my life.

Now on to the  I am not usually much of a coffee drinker, but since moving in with my parents, since they drink it every morning, I have been drinking it almost every morning.  There's not much better than sitting curled up in the chair, after feeding Ava and sipping on a hot cup of coffee.

And Grey's Anatomy....I completely forgot how much I LOVE this show.  Mom had recorded the season, and so we've been watching a couple episodes here and there, and I'm completely back in love with it.  SO many amazing and tear jerking things have happened in the last couple episodes.  We have 2 left from last season, and I can't wait for the new season to start.  Another show that I started watching with Mom and Dad is Mike and Molly....that show is fantastic too!

I suppose I should probably attempt to get some stuff done around here today....although I'm not really sure what I need to  I'm going to change the sheets on the bed, and wash them, that I know for sure.  Other than that, it's going to be homework, reading, and taking care of Ava.

So I suppose I should get to it......It's likely that I'll post again later....

Monday, July 11, 2011

Evenings and thoughts and t.v. reruns.....

I sit here at my shiny new computer, with the TV on a rerun of Two and A Half Men, and I can't help but feel completely and totally content in my life.  Sure, I'm not working yet, but I'm enjoying the time that I get to spend with Ava.  I mean, look at her.....who wouldn't want to spend time with her??? <3  She completes my life in a way that I never thought was possible.  It's amazing.

Joe likes his job, and is working days finally, so we have the evenings and weekends together, which is nice. We eat dinner, Joe plays with Ava, surfs the net, or whatever, and then goes to bed.  Once I get Ava down, and Mom and Dad are in bed, I usually try to get some sleep, but if that doesn't work, then I sit up and work on homework or play online, check Facebook, read a blog or two, and remember the people that I said I would call back that I never got around to calling. :(  It's amazing to me how much I forget to do that never would have been an issue for me before I got pregnant.  Seriously, I got pregnant, and my brain flew completely out the window.  Unreal.

I can honestly say that I am completely satisfied in my life right now.  My husband is amazing, our daughter is SO much fun, and such a good baby, and things are just really perfect.  Sure, we're living with my parents, and we don't have our own car right now, but I wouldn't want things any different right now.  Living with Mom and Dad is nice because we don't have to pay rent right now, and Mom is a HUGE help with Ava when Joe's not home and I have homework to do, or laundry, or taking my shower, or whatever.  She absolutely LOVES Ava, which is fantastic, and Ava is crazy about Grandma.  I love seeing the way Ava reacts to her.

School is going well, although my one instructor is apparently going to be difficult.  I emailed him a question about our reading almost a week ago, and still haven't heard back from him, and our assignment was due yesterday.  We still haven't received grades from him for week 1 either, which was due the Sunday before.  **shrug** Ah well, c'est la vie.  I'll just deal.  I only have to put up with it for another 5.5 weeks. Yay.  So far, in my Intro to Law class (the class where the instructor isn't a pain in the ass) I have a 93%.  I can handle that, as long as I can keep it up.  We'll see what happens.  I will be so glad once my classes are over and I can proudly display my diploma (or whatever they call it when you graduate from college).  I am really looking forward to being able to get a decent job to be able to support my family.  Then Joe can go back while I work, and get his welding certificate or whatever, and then I can work if I want, and if I don't want to then I don't have to. :)  I look so forward to being able to get a good job.

Mom and I are going to go shopping tomorrow.  Not sure what we're going to buy, but we're going shopping. :)  I'm looking forward to it.  It's been nice not working, and being able to just kind of hang out with my mom. I have really missed having her close, and it's so nice finally being here and being able to just hang out and go shopping or whatever.

Well, I suppose since it's nearly 11:30, I better get myself to bed.  Ava's going to likely be up early tomorrow, and we need to be dressed and out of the house by 9 to go shopping.  I will try to get better about updating more often, but I really don't know how many people even read this thing....Nighty night.

Friday, July 1, 2011

Late nights and law...

It's almost 1 am, and I'm still up.  I am having another night where I'm finding it difficult to sleep.  My brain just won't shut off, and it's really driving me insane.  I got a new laptop (Thanks Mom and Dad!!!!) and so I've been trying to get it completely up and running.  I'm having an issue loading Office on it, which is pissing me off, so I have a feeling that I'll end up taking it to San Antonio with us this weekend, and having my dad take a look at it for me.  I'm thinking that I'm going to HAVE to go to bed now though, because I know that the baby will be up early, and I NEED some sleep.  I have to pack and get things together for the trip to San Antonio, because we're leaving tomorrow afternoon after Joe and Dad get off work.  Will try to update more later.  Night.