Thursday, August 29, 2013

Ideas rattling around in my brain...................................

I should completely be in bed, because I am EXHAUSTED, but I can't seem to get my brain to shut off long enough to wind down in order to go to bed.

I have so many ideas running around up there, about things I need to do, things I want to get done, and something I am thinking about trying to get together, and I just can't seem to get things to form cohesive enough thoughts to write it down and let it go for now.

I have homework for the bible study that started today.  I was absolutely THRILLED after getting there and starting.  I think I am REALLY going to like this study.  The facilitator is fantastic, everyone was so nice, and the kids had a really nice time.  They really seemed to enjoy themselves, and they got to play with a bunch of toys and other kids.  Neither Cookie nor Muscles have had much interaction with other kids, simply because I stay home and they don't go to daycare.  It was really nice to get some adult time and not have to say "Stop that" or "quit it" or "Don't hit your brother!"

The "company" that does this study has different groups all over the world, and it seems like it is very well put together, and so I'm really looking forward to expanding my relationship with God through this group.  I'm excited to see what He has in store for me on this journey.

I'm looking forward to the beginning of next week too.  On Tuesday, I am going to a MOPS group.  MOPS is a mothers of pre-schoolers program.  It's somewhat like a mom's support group.....and something that I have been desperately contact with women who have kids that are the same age as mine so that I have something in common with them.  The kids will get to interact with other kids, again, and I'm really hopeful that maybe I will make some friends.  No one could ever replace Rose, for sure, but I need some friends here that I can have over for coffee or meet for lunch or have a playdate with.....SOMETHING.  It gets so lonely being at home all day by myself, and hanging out with my mom is okay, but....I need some friends.  So, I'm hopeful that someone in either the MOPS group or the bible study and I will hit it off and I will make that friendship that I so desperately need.

Now, for the thing I've thought about trying to start..............I've been tossing around the idea of trying to start a miscarriage support group.  I just don't know where to begin.  Or how to to get the word out...nothing.  But it's something that I really feel would be a good idea.  Another thing I am not sure of is if it would be well received in the town I live's a small town, although there are several towns that are a bit bigger not terribly far from here........I need to do some more research on it and see what I can figure out.  If anyone has any ideas or knows anyone who has any ideas, please lemme know.  I just have no clue where to start, but it's something that I feel could be very valuable.  I wish something like that would have been available for me......

Anyway...on that note, I am going to head to bed.  Cookie has been getting up pretty early, and I've not been sleeping all that stellar, so I need to make the most out of what I get.  We'll talk more soon, and I'll keep talking out my ideas here, and maybe ya'll can help me get things off the ground. ;)

Sunday, August 25, 2013

Been a bit.....

So, it's been a week or so since my last post........time just completely gets away from me sometimes.  I suppose that's what happens when you have a 1 & 2 year old! :P

I've been talking off and on about going through my miscarriages and the effect that it's had on me and my emotions.  I'm not 100% sure what direction I really want to go, other than I want to let other women and men know that they are not alone in their struggles if they've suffered this kind of a loss.

One of the hardest things for me to I guess realize about my miscarriages is that there wasn't anything that I could have done to prevent them.  It's just something that happens.  Is it fair?  Oh hell no.  Does that make it any easier to deal with?  Nope.  But it's just something that for one reason or another happens.  I blamed everything under the sun for what was happening to me.  I blamed God, my uterus, my smoking, the sunshine on a particularly cloudy name it, I blamed it.  The biggest thing that I blamed though, was God.

I couldn't for the life of me understand why a God who was supposed to be loving and caring would put me through all of what I was going through.  I was furious.  I hurt, and I didn't understand why it was happening to me.  It seemed like every time I turned around someone I knew was popping up pregnant.

I prayed for answers that never came, and that just made my heart break more.  I wanted to know what was causing me to lose my babies, and the answer never came.  I went through months of testing with no conclusive answers, and that just bothered me more than anything.....I didn't know how to fix what was broken.

I felt like my husband deserved someone better....someone that wasn't broken and could give him the children that he deserved to be a father to.  He told me something that I will never forget as long as I live....something that every time I think about, I can hear him saying the words.  I was having a bad day/night/week, and was nit picking a fight with him.  I told him that he deserved someone that could make him a dad, because obviously I couldn't, and he said, "I love YOU.  I didn't marry your uterus.  I married YOU because you make me complete."  I was so completely humbled in that moment....and it definitely helped me get through the rough patch that I was in at the time.

My relationship with God has taken a beating, and I'm slowly working on repairing it.  It's a slow road, one that I want to make sure I examine completely and that I don't miss anything.  I've stuffed many of the feelings away, and I'm hoping that as I go through this process that I will be able to handle them all.

Having both of my kiddos definitely helped heal my heart in ways that I didn't know was possible.  I still have a ways to go, but I've gotten to a point where helping others through the initial broken-ness is helping me.

I volunteer as a Woman Of Empowerment for an amazing organization called Miscarriage Matters.  I email with women who are in the midst of their losses and going through those emotions that I didn't have anyone to help me sort through.  I find that I am able to offer a shoulder where they may not have anyone to help them sort through the emotions.  I feel like my miscarriages were not in vain, and I feel like I am making a difference to someone even if it is in the smallest measure.

I want to make a difference....and I hope that I'm doing that, however small it may be.

Until next time, my friends, may there be light and love on your path. <3

Tuesday, August 20, 2013

It's the end of Summer..................

Which means that my nephews had to go back to Illinois and to their mother's.  It was definitely a bittersweet day for me.  They are sometimes difficult to deal with, and they don't listen to anyone EVER, but I was still sad to see them go.  They will be back in December for Christmas, which will be nice.  So, for the next 4 months, it'll just be me, Hubby, Cookie, Muscles and Billy.  It's going to be much quieter around here.

So, today is "The Day Of Hope." It's a day for those of us mothers who have lost a baby or struggle with infertility to remember what we've lost, and to remind us that there is always hope.  I feel very blessed that I was lucky enough to go on and have 2 beautiful babies of my own, and I count those blessings every day, because I know that there are so many women out there that still long for what I have.  It was a long and difficult road to get here.

When I look back on the years that Hubby and I struggled, I am amazed at the strength that I found within myself.  But I didn't go through that time alone....Hubby was an AMAZING source of support for me.  I didn't really have anyone in my life that really GOT what I was going through at the time.

I am so blessed that Hubby is the amazing man that he is, because without him, I don't know that I would have gotten through things as well as I did.

I am going to have to stop here for the night, because I am flat out's been a long day.  I will get my thoughts gathered and will get a better post out to you all soon, I promise.

Peace, love and snickers my friends.  Until next time.

Monday, August 19, 2013

It's that time again................

Time for me to write another blog post. :P I have been slacking this week, but it's just because things have been so busy around here.  I have been cleaning and prepping for Muscles' birthday party.  Things have been stressful and I've not been handling it very well.

One bad thing about being up this late (good grief....when did midnight become late??) is I get the munchies REALLY bad.  I could seriously go nuts with junk food right now.  But, I'm too lazy to get up and go into the kitchen. Haha.  I really would like something to eat, but I know I shouldn't eat this late.  I will end up with heartburn, and then I'll be up 1/2 the night, and then I'll be tired tomorrow.  It's a terrible never ending circle.

It's hard to believe that my little guy is already a year old.  This year has gone by so fast.  My girl is going to be 3 in March...time keeps on slipping into the future, and I'm just not at all ready for it.

I know this is crazy short, but I am going to head to bed.....I'm just pooped.

Until later! :)

Tuesday, August 13, 2013

Trying to come up with.....

titles is a pain in my butt. :P   I'm out of clever ideas, and I really don't wanna bore

So, I did a short series of posts discussing my journey to motherhood and the trials and disappointments that I had along the way.  When Hubby and I were in the thick of it all, it really felt like the end of the world and like there was no way out.

I felt like no one understood what I was going through, especially because no one in my life had gone through a miscarriage.  At least not anyone that lived anywhere near me.  Hubby's aunt had gone through several miscarriages, but her and I aren't exactly close, and so it didn't feel like I could go to her with my fears.

I felt so lost, so out of control, like my life was going to crumble around my ankles and that was going to be the end of it for me.  I had wanted nothing more in my life than to be a wife and a mother.  I had one failed marriage under my belt, and here I was failing at becoming a mother.  It was a huge blow to my self esteem, and I felt myself slowly falling into a hole of depression that I worried I would never come out of.

Through all of it, Hubby stood by my side and was my constant.  He made sure that I knew he loved me, and that he was there for me whenever I felt ready to talk.  I mostly hid inside myself, because I knew that he was hurting, and I didn't want him to feel like he couldn't grieve for our babies because he had to support me.  It was something that I felt I had to take control of and deal with on my own, because he had to take care of himself.

When we found out that we were losing the first baby, I remember calling my mom and telling her on the phone.  My dad went with me to the appointment, because she couldn't, and neither could Hubby, because they both had to work.  After we got done at the doctor's office, I wanted nothing more than to crawl into a hole and not come out, but I couldn't do that because I had to go back to work.  I walked back into the building, and my supervisor called me into the office and we chatted for a good long while about everything that had transpired that morning.  I was more than heartbroken.  It felt like someone was ripping my heart out of my chest and stomping on it with all their might.  Hubby played softball through work, and there was a tournament the following weekend north of where we lived.  We drove up the night before and stayed at a hotel along with most everyone that he played with.  We went to Macaroni Grill for dinner, and I got my drink on.  I felt like I needed to drown my sorrows, and so that's exactly what I did.  Hubby was AMAZING.  He held me while I cried, and changed the subject whenever someone would ask about it, because he knew that I just couldn't talk about it yet.  We had a great weekend, even though I was still dealing with the physical stuff on top of the emotional stuff.  It was nice to get away and try to not thing about it for a few days.

Of course, when we got home, the feelings and sadness were waiting there for me.  But having Hubby by my side made things better.  Life got somewhat back to normal, and we decided that we weren't going to do anything to prevent getting pregnant again, but we weren't necessarily going to try again either.  I just wanted to have a "whatever happens happens" kind of attitude.  It was not easy, by any means, but I tried my hardest.  Something happens to you when you lose something that you've wanted more than anything else in your life.....I'm not sure if one becomes hardened right away, or if it takes a while....but for me, it did happen.

I will touch on that a bit more next time....for tonight, I'm going to get to bed and get some sleep.  It's been a long day, and tomorrow is going to be just as long.

Monday, August 12, 2013

Who's got the remote?

Because whoever it is, you need to stop with the fast forwarding.  This past year has slipped away from me so quickly, and I'm just not at all prepared for it.

My baby, my lil man, my beautiful boy turned one today.  It's so hard to believe that it has been an entire year since I gave birth to my little surprise.  My pregnancy with Muscles was not an easy one.....though it wasn't completely awful either.  I had some pre-term labor, so I was put on bedrest.  THAT was awful.  Having a 14 month old at home and being put on bedrest is NOT easy.  Cookie (what my mom calls my girl) was just not happy that I wasn't able to pick her up, or put her to bed, or give her a bath, or do anything but lay in the recliner.  And then when I was able to come off bed rest at 36 weeks, it took him another 3 weeks to make his appearance. <3

I posted my birth story before, so I won't bore you all with it again.  He was so small, and so perfect............

And now, he's walking, starting to talk, and makes the funniest faces ever.  My handsome lil man is growing so fast, and I'm just not ready for it to be happening so quickly.  I know I don't have a choice, but dang.....could time slow down just a little???

This weekend was eventful and busy, and I'm so looking forward to this next weekend, because it will be quiet and relaxed.  We're going to celebrate Muscles' birthday on Friday, and then my brother is taking my nephews back to IL on Saturday.  That is bittersweet for me, because while they drive me insane, it's been nice having them around this summer.  Christmas can't come soon enough (that's when they'll be back).  I am working very very part time, but's a job and some money coming in.  I'm still looking for a full time job, but not having a whole lot of luck.

I suppose this is going to be it for tonight.  I'm going to go get myself a bowl of ice cream and finish watching Rock of Ages.  I LOVE this movie. :)

Have a great night, and I'll post some pics of Muscles' celebration this weekend! :)

Thursday, August 8, 2013

Long days and seemingly longer nights.................

Well, whatever Muscles' problem with sleeping was, he seems to have gotten over it....knock on wood.  Since my last post, he's been going to bed much better and sleeping through the night.  I think the past 4 or 5 nights he's been out by 9, maybe a few minutes after.  It's been really kind of nice.

Rose and I had a good conversation today, which is only the 2nd time I've talked to her since she's come home from the hospital after having her lil guy.  I totally get it, and wouldn't expect to talk to her every day, especially since I know how crazy it can be with a new wasn't that long ago that my Muscles was a new born.

It's hard to believe that my baby boy is going to be 1 on Monday.  It's just insane to think that at this time last year, I was barely having any contractions, though we had a doctor's appointment and scheduled the induction.

I think about everything that has happened in the last year, and I can't believe half of it.  It is just insane to me how quickly this year has gone.  It seems like the older I get, the faster time flies by.

Today is Hubby's Aunt's birthday, and I feel like a horrible niece because I didn't call.  I didn't realize that it was even her birthday until too late though, so....I wasn't going to call her at 9 pm.  I will give her a jingle tomorrow and see how she is feeling and such.  I know that they opted to stop chemo for the time being, so we'll have to see what happens from here.

I really don't have a whole lot of important anything to say at this brain is pretty fried from everything that's been going on behind the scenes around here lately.  I'll try and get another post up tomorrow at some point.

Until then, love, hugs and Dairy Queen ice cream. <3

Saturday, August 3, 2013

Today is full of.......

Love.  Lots and lots and lots of love.  It's been a difficult week, and I've had lots of tears falling down my cheeks for various reasons.  Today was no different.  But today, those tears were tears of joy.  My best friend in IL, Rose, had her beautiful baby boy today.  He is baby #4 for her, boy #3.  It seriously seems like it was just yesterday that she called me to tell me that she was even pregnant.

Rose and I have been through so much....many ups and downs.  And here we are, 9 years and 4 babies later....strong as ever.  Her oldest two kids were 2 & 3 when we became friends....which means that they are now 12 and 11....which just seems crazy to me.  Her and her hubby met kind of through me, I was friends with him before she knew of him.  I was there the day they got married, just as she was there the day Hubby and I got married.  I watched and prayed and waited for her to get pregnant with her #3, and she was there through every miscarriage until I had Lil Miss.  She was in the delivery room with me when my girl was born, supporting me and coaching me through the experience.  She had weight loss surgery very shortly after Hubby & I moved to Texas, and so for the last 2 years, I've watched her shrink to 1/2 the woman she was before, though her personality shines more now, and she has proven just how amazing she really is.  Her and her hubby decided that they wanted to expand their family, and so I waited for her to make the announcement, praying with her every month that things would go the way she wanted them to....and they did.

This girl is so awesome, she went completely all meds AT ALL.  She labored and birthed that boy completely without drugs, and I am SO incredibly proud of her for it.  She made a birth plan and she was able to completely stick with it.  I got to talk to her tonight, and she sounds great and so happy.  The baby is a complete doll.  She was able to get him to latch for breastfeeding with no issues, and so I'm praying that she'll be able to breast feed as long as she wants to with no problems.

I really wish I had been able to be there with her, because there is no where I would have rather been.....

There are very few people in this world that really honestly know me, and she is definitely one of them.  I am so blessed to have her in my life.  Her kids (especially her daughter) call me Aunt, and mine will call her the same....she's just that wonderful of a friend to me, I consider her family.

So, in spite of all the difficult drama of the week and even of today, I got to rejoice in the birth of my newest nephew (I REALLY need some more nieces!), and I can't wait to get to meet him in person (even if it won't be until he's almost 1.... :P)

Well, kids, I'm going to close out for tonight.  I'm pooped and going to head to bed.  It's been a super long week, and I still have laundry to work on tomorrow.  Remember you are loved and I'll see ya on the flip side.

Friday, August 2, 2013

Nothing to say.............

At least nothing that anyone will listen to.  I feel like I've talked until I'm blue in the face, and still no one listens.

It's been a REALLY rough week around here, as you've seen from the last couple of blog posts. Moving in with my brother was not an easy thing to do, for any of us, and his drinking doesn't help matters any.  He has this "I don't have to please anyone but myself" attitude that just ticks me off.....thinking of only himself should have stopped the minute he became a dad.....but it didn't.

After the other night's blowout, I have not said 2 words to him.  About anything.  At all.  I have responded to a handful of text messages that he's sent me (yes, he texts me from upstairs instead of walking down the stairs to talk to me) but that's been it.  I honestly have nothing to say to him.  He has made it abundantly clear that my opinions mean absolutely nothing to him, that anything I say doesn't hold any value or mean anything, so.....he can piss off.  I have done and done and done for him, as far as keeping his kids, doing all the grocery shopping, all the cooking, all the cleaning, and I have gotten NOTHING from him in return, minus him keeping the kids 3 mornings so I could work and/or go to the store.  He seriously has made dinner 4 times since we moved in the beginning of June.  He's cleaned up after dinner twice.  I do his laundry, only because I don't want him touching my washer and dryer.

I am not sure what is going on with Muscles, but he's not sleeping worth a damn.  He was up until almost 1 am this morning, and then was up for the day at about 8.  He didn't nap hardly at all....maybe 45 minutes.  Then he went right to sleep with me rocking him, but as soon as I laid him down, he cried and cried.  It only lasted about 20 minutes maybe, but he used to be such a GOOD sleeper.  I really honestly think that it's because of the stress around here.  I just don't know what else it could be.  He's not really teething at the moment, so....I just don't get it.

Hubby and I are sitting here watching Undercover Boss, and I'm just biding my time until I can go hop in the shower and go to bed.  I volunteer for a wonderful organization called Miscarriage Matters, and we operate a chat from the website for anyone that may need to talk to someone about going through a miscarriage.  My bestie over at Just An Ordinary Girl hooked me up with them, and I fell in love with what the organization stands for, so I decided to volunteer.  I really enjoy it, and feel like I am able to offer a sympathetic ear to women who are going through the same things that I've been through as far as miscarriages go.  It's a sucky sisterhood to join, and I wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy.  If you or anyone you know has gone through a miscarriage and needs/wants to talk to someone who has walked in their shoes, send them over to  They can be connected to a Woman of Empowerment who has been in their shoes and is willing to be an ear and help.

Any way.....I suppose that I better get things wrapped up....I need to check my email and get things in order for my busy day tomorrow.  Remember you are loved and we'll talk again soon!