Monday, September 30, 2013

Another story......

You know, sometimes in life there is that one special someone that can pretty well finish your sentences before you can, knows, without you saying a word, exactly what you need, and can pretty typically send that special message that you need to hear at precisely the right time.  For me, that person is Ordinary Girl. :) She has been a constant source of support for me, even when we've had our spats.  I asked her to do a guest post for me, and I am honored and humbled that she agreed.

Here is her blog link: Just An Ordinary Girl ~ Life Unabridged

And here is her story:

Today I am sharing the story of my first miscarriage which happened in the fall of 2002, between the birth of my son and my daughter. I was pregnant with her almost immediately after the miscarriage; I think they figured about one and a half to two weeks later. I spent a considerable part of the pregnancy not sure if she was one of a twin because she measured so very small. So to have felt that terrible loss and then worry for two months you lost not a baby but one of a twin…I cannot describe how horrifying that feels. Not only was the loss so painful, it came with a major life change for me; an almost instant growth and maturing moment.
I was going every few days to have blood drawn, to make sure that my hormone levels were dropping. It ripped my heart out every time, as if the universe were rubbing it in. How could they casually drag me across hot coals and remind me constantly my angel was gone before I even saw her face? I know now they do it for a reason but I didn’t care then. They had scheduled me for a DNC the next week because everything was looking ‘good’, Lord knows I wanted to punch her for saying that. Lucky I was upset enough that I never went for the procedure.
The dream of her was so fleeting and faint. Before I even grieved her another life was forming and I almost resented the intrusion. I was forcibly dragged from my mourning by the ‘hope’ of another….one that could be taken from me just as easily. I spent my whole pregnancy terrified I would lose her as well. It was difficult to hope, carefree as we do when we carry life within us, after the loss. I was scared to hope and lose another baby, so I didn’t get attached. I kept her at a distance.
I was very sick while pregnant with her as well; anemia and dehydration. Another thing that made it difficult was worrying that I could not give my son the proper care and attention that he deserved. It was hard enough being a single parent of one, now that their dad was gone for good, and I was terrified it was going to be impossible with two. Would having this baby ruin everything? Could I handle another devastating loss if it happened and what would that do to my son? I wrote this original story describing what it was like for me, hoping to reach others that have been there, or shed some light for those who have not but are supporting someone who has.
Wednesday, October 3, 2007
The smells permeate her nose, sharp and distasteful. The hustle surrounds her as she finishes the rounds on her hall, fighting the sharp pain in her side. She stops finally in the bathroom and prays the certainty growing in her mind is wrong. There it is, the telltale spot, and as her heart stops beating in her chest, she curls her fingers reflexively around her stomach; my baby.
She pulls the cloak of calm around her like a barrier and makes a beeline for the phone. One desperate call to the doctor later, she sits with clammy hands and a racing pulse waiting for the return call. When she gets the calm impersonal voice back on the phone, it says they want to see her for an appointment immediately. Once again her heart stutters to a halt. She mechanically goes through her chain of command and once free she heads for the door on auto pilot. She imagines she must have driven there because she is behind the wheel as the car glides to a stop in the parking space, though she cannot for the life of her remember the road.
Two days she had defied him, two days she risked his wrath to try to prevent this very thing.
She climbed numbly into her aunt’s van. She stared out the window unseeing and started violently when the woman beside her spoke.
“Do you know what today is?”
She stared at the woman for a moment as her brain chugged sluggishly into gear.
“Uh, Friday?”
The woman chortled softly and prodded “Yeah, but Friday the what?”
The connection was made and resentment sprung to life as she glared contemptuously at her but when the woman turned to look at her all expression was smoothed from her face.
She half smiled and said “That figures”.
Her aunt laughed and said “Friday the thirteenth isn’t a terribly good day for this.”
“No sh!t Sherlock,” she muttered softly to herself. All her nerves were on fire both physically and mentally and her aunt was only making it worse.
“Why in heavens name would anyone with half a heart or brain even mention something like that? As if the dread in her heart wasn’t enough, let’s toss in the random dire portent. Yeah I’ve read this plot line” she thought bitterly.
The next thing that roused her from her benumbed state was lying in the dark, in a gown worn soft by all the washings. The ultrasound machine hummed to life and the cool air brushed across her cheeks making her shiver. The tech beside her did not utter a word as she pour on the warmed jelly and ran the wand across her belly that had barely begun to curve. She could see the amniotic fluid as a dark blotch on the screen, but the ominous silence hung dreadfully in her ears.
Without a word to either her, or the woman that sat next to her, strung tightly wound but blessedly silent, the tech left after instructing her to return to the room she was in before. Then her companion began to utter all the charming endearments we find spill heedless from the mouths of those outside the sucking black. She felt drunk on dread, empty and scared.
She knew he was at home, uncaring except for the burden of watching their small son. There was no comfort for her there, or here. She was in the brightly lit, cheerless room; more fit for a holding cell than for soothing the scared or grieving. The bustle of the emergency room continued heedless of the way she drew taunt in expectation any time footsteps sounded outside her curtain. Finally, in strode the dark small man. He could barely bother to look at her as he scanned her chart then uttered the pronouncement.
“It is confirmed, you are losing your baby”.
The lance of pain was white hot and sharp as her heart shattered with what must have been an audible sound and she thought she died in that moment. Thru the haze of pain and despair she heard her aunt gasp, then watched the doctor’s head jerk up. His eyes were wide and horrified.
“Oh my god, I thought the tech told you something” he stuttered.
He began to apologize profusely, though she scarcely heard it over the deep wracking sobs she heard coming from far away. Only barely did she realize it was her own voice that made them. The shell that remained of her, sat still as stone, tears running down her already pale cheeks, made ghostly in this moment. They continued to murmur in the corner as she lay down and curled into a ball, hands over her stomach in disbelief. The woman dressed her as she might have dressed a child and let her back into the cold night.
The trip home was a blur. First to the store for the prescriptions and then stop for a pack of smokes at her dull command. It was all surreal like she watched herself at the movies. When they arrived, she stood uncertainly outside the van and spoke over her shoulder without looking.
“Wait for me, till I see what will happen”.
Her aunt made a noise of agreement, neither voicing what they knew to be the truth. It would not be pretty. For a long, dark, soul searching moment, she stared at the house. Shadows twined themselves around corners of the yard, clinging to the trees; crouching as if waiting to consume her. Every light was off making the porch yawn forebodingly, like a mouth ready to swallow her whole. The door glared back at her, daring her to turn around without a word and leave. She felt the things that lurked in the darkness. She knew what he would say, how he would react. The desperate corners of her soul begged for even a glimpse of light she knew in her heart would be denied her once more.
She entered slowly and quietly feeling the hostility wrap its hand around her throat and when she paused in the doorway she heard his voice bite out of the darkness.
“Where the fuck have you been?”
She felt the lash bite in and leave another welt upon her soul, but she was beyond the pain of that now. She was one of the walking dead.
“I was at the hospital. I’m losing our baby”. Her voice was soft and pleading as she stared at the immobile back before her.
“You mean you aren’t done yet?”
She had thought herself immune but the words cut her deeply and swiftly, in that moment slicing the thread that had been the love left for him. It vanished in the blink of an eye and she wondered for a second where it had fled so fast.
“I need you. Say something, anything and I will stay. I need you dammit”.
She heard his snort of disgust and could see in her mind’s eye the sardonic smirk that curved his mouth though she could only hear it this time.
“Being a bitch isn’t the way to get anything from me”.
She stared wordlessly for one last, long moment at his immobile form, still facing away from her, then grabbed her bag and walked out. She returned to the van without an explanation, the woman did not need one. When they arrived at her aunt’s home, she stumbled out of the vehicle and collapsed on the front porch.
“Please I need to call my mother.”
When she sat gripping the phone in her hand she lit a cigarette and dialed the number. She sat praying silently and was grateful to hear her mother answer.
Please God, let her be understanding, I couldn’t stand another rejection right now.……
”I’m losing the baby mom”.
She heard her mother weeping on the line. “I wish I was there for you sweetie.”
She cried in sheer joy, her mother had never seemed to understand, to connect with her when she needed the softer side, instead always harsh and blunt. She grieved with her mother and the pain subsided a bit. They talked for a while until her stomach began to hurt in earnest.
“I have to go mom, I love you”.
She sat looking at the stars smoking and grieving and wondering why for what seemed like forever until she could deny the pain no longer.
When the moment finally came for her angel to go to heaven she could not face it. She could feel it, but she couldn’t even look; instead, crying hysterically she called out for her aunt who rushed to her side. She heard the sound of rushing water come from behind her, washing away the evidence but not the stain upon her heart. Her soul broke as she knew it was time to say goodbye. She was already a mother and the thought of her angel leaving before she even drew breath was excruciating. She should be hearing the heartbeat and looking forward to the little fluttering as life stirred, not sending her to the arms of Jesus. She felt the motherly arms of her aunt around her, leading her to the dark room and guiding her down onto the bed. She curled in upon herself as she thought and grieved. A hand smoothed her brow as a mother does a child, though she was grown and a mother herself, and she floated slowly into the blessed relief of sleep.
She lost their child that night, alone in the darkness. The agony in her soul was sharp. She grieved the loss of her child, she grieved the loss of him undeserving of it as he may be, she grieved the loss of the dream she had of family and happily ever after. After all, maybe he was right. Maybe it was all her fault.
Drifting in the final moments of lucid thought it echoed, “you will never be good enough…………. you will never be good enough”. A tear slid silently into her hair.
My daughter is what you would call a “rainbow baby”.  
A "rainbow baby" is a baby that is born following a loss. A rainbow, the beauty that comes after a storm and a symbol of hope, is a description women lovingly use for their babies that are born after a miscarriage, still birth, or infant loss. For women who have experienced a loss, conceiving a “rainbow baby” doesn’t make them forget the loss, take it away or diminish it, but it does give them hope for a new chance at motherhood. In the real world, a beautiful and bright rainbow follows a storm and gives hope of things getting better. The rainbow is more appreciated having just experienced the storm in comparison. The storm has already happened and nothing can change that experience. Storm-clouds might still be overhead as the family continue to cope with the loss, but something colorful and bright has emerged from the darkness and misery.
It was definitely one of the most heartbreaking moments of my life. I have gone through two others in the last 3 years. I would have given them the world, but instead they were given heaven; a hard gift for me to accept - for them, for all of us.
It’s hard to talk about and to find people who are comfortable talking about something like this, let alone who understand it. Maybe I wouldn’t have spent so much time alone and scared if I had known where to go. If I had had someone tell their story and offer their hand. Please know you are not alone. Just because your child has gone to heaven does not mean you aren’t still a parent. That loss hurts too. It is okay to think about them and to talk about them. Please feel free to contact me at: Just An Ordinary Girl or 1st Time Mama or find a group called Miscarriage Matters on Facebook. Click their name and follow the link. You are never alone.
Until we meet again my friends, stay safe, be blessed and know you are loved.

So there ya have it......An awesome post from an awesome friend.

Remember that you are not alone, ever.  We are here for whatever support you may want/need.

Sunday, September 29, 2013

Work, work and Pitch Perfect

Holy crow, has it been a long week. *yawn* Between both jobs, I've put in over 50 hours this week.

Becoming a working mom has been a difficult transition for me.  I have had a lot of Mommy Guilt.  A LOT.  I've ranged from being glad to get out and be around other adults and making money to feeling like I am neglecting my kids.  Wednesday was probably the worst for me.  I went to work at noon on Tuesday, didn't get home until 10 pm and had to be at my other job at 9 Wednesday morning and didn't get home until 6 pm, so I had gone over 24 hours without really seeing my kids.  It was AWFUL.  I cried the entire way to work Wednesday morning, because I realized it would be almost bedtime before I got to see the kiddos for more than a few minutes.  That was something that in all my preparing, I had never prepared myself for.

It's not been easy, and there are days when I wonder if this is really worth it, but I know that in the long run, it will be. 

I watched Pitch Perfect for the 1000th time tonight.  I seriously cannot get enough of that movie.  I LOVE it.  Super funny, and I love music, so that works too.  I can't seem to get my thoughts organized I'm going to drop off for now.  I have to work again in the morning.  I'm off on Wednesday, so hopefully I'll be able to get a good post out then.

Until then.............

Monday, September 23, 2013

Finding that all important balance.

I've been a bit....spoiled the last 3 years.  I've been able to be at home with my family, doing the things a mother/wife does when one is able to stay home.  I've been able to not only do the housework and laundry and cooking, but I've also been able to take care of my kids, and play with them, and take care of all their needs.  Shifting to being a working mom has been really tough.  I feel like I got a little bit of an easy go of it at first, when I was just working my one job.  Now that I have this other job, it is much more difficult to find the balance that I so desperately feel like I need.

I'm so used to being home to put the kids to bed, and working this job, the majority of the time, I'm not going to be home for that.  And that's hard for me.  I'm used to tucking my girl in, especially, because she's in the toddler bed, and I've not gotten to do that the past few nights. *sigh* 

Luckily, I think, the kids don't cry or beg for me or anything which is a comfort for me, because it tells me that my babies are really okay.  I get a strange sense of comfort in that they don't cry and get super upset when I leave.  That is something that I was concerned about, because I've been home with them both since they were born, and it's been rare that they have been left with anyone else for any long length of time.

I'm struggling, however, with finding a way to balance all the things that NEED to be done at home with the hours and days that I'm working.  I've only been at the new job 3 nights, so I know that I need to just give myself some time to get into the groove, so to speak, but that groove is tough for me to figure out, since I've never been a working mom before.

I've gained a whole new respect for ALL working moms, because holy's HARD.  Trying to figure out how to get the laundry and the playing and the cooking and cleaning all done AND get to work on time and play catch up everywhere is SO hard.  Hubby has had to (obviously) take on more responsibilities with the kiddos, and that has been hard on him too, because I'm usually the one to do everything when it comes to them (for the most part anyway).

I know that I will eventually get the complete hang of it, and my house won't look like the laundry threw up in the laundry room and that the toy box barfed all over the living  I'm just so intent on spending as much time as I can with the kids when I AM home that the rest of it just falls by the wayside.

Only 3 more days until we learn the contestants for Blogger Idol.  There is going to be a top 13 instead of a top 12.  I'm waiting to hear if I made it, and I'm losing my  I can't wait to see who gets in, because there were some really AWESOME auditions.  Keep your fingers crossed for me!!!! :)

So, I know this is short, but I'm pooped.  I'm going to sit here and watch Sister Wives and then go to bed.  I have a 9 hour shift ahead of me tomorrow.  Between the 2 jobs, I don't have another day off until Oct 5th. *sigh* I know the money will be nice, but holy wow am I tired! :P

Until next time, light, love and Sister Wives. <3

Wednesday, September 18, 2013

Polka dots and insomnia

I tried to convince myself well over an hour ago that it was time to go to bed, because I have bible study in the morning, and I need to make sure that I get myself up and ready and "coffee'd" in time to leave.  Obviously, since I'm writing this, I didn't make it.

I mentioned in another post that my emotions have been a bit out of whack, and it is really starting to get to me. *sigh* It's a nasty, vicious cycle, and it's apparently going to be difficult for me to break.

Today started out with a bang...pretty literally.  I'm almost embarrassed to admit it, but when my alarm went off for me to get up for work, I fell out of bed.  I thought I was laying in the middle of the mattress, since Hubby was at work, but I wasn't.  I rolled over to get my phone to shut off the alarm, and BOOM! on the floor I landed. My hip hurts, my back is sore, and it just HURT.  Luckily, no one saw it

I worked today, got home, and got to sit around with the kids and play.  I fed them lunch, they napped, I wish I would have and then we had dinner.  It was after dinner that things started to go from good to bad.

I try so hard to keep my "attitude" in check, especially when I know that my emotions are jacked, but there are times that my filter just says screw it, and I blow up.  Tonight was one of those nights.  I'm not going to go into details, because it will just make me cry again, but needless to say, I'm tempted to just sleep on the couch.

I can only hope that I hear some words of comfort and inspiration tomorrow, because I'm going to lose my mind other wise.

I need to get in the shower and get to bed, so this is it for tonight.  Until next time ~ Light, love and cheesy rice.

Monday, September 16, 2013

Feeling the feelings

The last couple of days, my emotions have been a bit....out of whack.  I've been thinking about it, and wondering, and trying to come to a conclusion about what the problem has been.

This time of year has always been my favorite.  I absolutely LOVE fall.  The colors change, the days and nights get cooler, there's bonfires, football, smores............I just love everything about it.  Here in TX, things don't cool off nor change as quickly as it does other places.  We don't usually get the cooler temps and color change until late November into December.  Sometimes the cooler weather will start beginning to mid November, but it's definitely not in September. :P  Snuggling up in a hoodie and jeans or sweats and listening to a fire crackle just does something to my is just so peaceful and enjoyable to me....and since it's still too stinking hot, I'm missing out on it, so to speak.  That bothers me some.  Not enough for me to consider moving anywhere, but enough that I can't seem to stop thinking about it.

Along with thinking about fall and cooler weather, I always seem to miss my bestie in IL more this time of year too.  And I think part of that is because for some reason, when the weather is cooler, coffee always seems to taste better.  And, in addition to that, coffee with a friend is ALWAYS better than drinking it alone.  There's just something about sitting with your bestest friend and chatting away while sipping on a cup of hot coffee that makes all seem right in your world.....even if things aren't completely good.  There were many a day when we would sit and talk and cry and vent.....especially during the time when I was going through all my miscarriages.  She may not have even known it, but she was the reason I got out of bed some days.....because she was expecting me for coffee.

That's the thing about emotions and feelings......they can knock you on your butt faster than you can swallow a drink of coffee or eat a smore.  SO many times, I've thought that I had everything completely under control, and that I was FINE, only to be smacked right in the face back to reality.  Two of the five babies that I lost were due in the fall months.  One was due in October, and the other November.  This makes getting through those months kind of tough sometimes.

Sometimes, Hubby is really good at pulling me out of whatever funk I find myself in.  I still cry some days wondering what those babies would look like, would their personalities be similar or completely the opposite of Cookie and Muscles?  I mourn because my children have siblings that none of us ever got to meet....and that makes me sad.  I know that some day we'll all be reunited again, but some days that just doesn't seem like enough.  Here lately, Hubby has not had much luck getting smiles out of me with this funk that I've found myself in.

All I can do at this point is ride the feelings out and continue to work through them.  Talking about my miscarriages and supporting women who are going through what I've gone through is tough some days, and with anniversaries coming up, I am sure it's going to be a bit tougher than normal.  I've got an amazing support system though, so I have no doubt that I will come through it with flying colors. :)

This is it for tonight.  I hope sleep finds you easily.  Until next time ~ Light, love and Candy Corn.

Friday, September 13, 2013

Good things coming to the forefront

So, things have been....tough around here for a while in regards to me finding a job.  I've been working very, very part time for a couple months, while applying for every job that I might possibly be qualified for, in an effort to ease the financial stress that we've been under.  The part time gig is only 22 hours a month.  The company is SUPER small, and so there just isn't enough hours for all the caregivers that there are.

Anyway, like I said, I've been applying for anything that I can think of, and I had a job interview on Monday.  It's for a cashier position at a convenient store.  It's a really nice store, I shop there occasionally, and everyone who works there is amazingly nice.  Anyway....the manager called me this afternoon, and I GOT THE JOB!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! WOO HOO!!! It's only part time for right now, but there is the possibility that it could move into more full time.  I should be able to get hours that will work around Hubby's schedule, so we won't necessarily have to put the kids in daycare....which would be AMAZING!

So, I had to get a white polo shirt for part of my "uniform."  I have to wear either black slacks or khakis, closed toed shoes, and a white collared shirt.  They provide name badges and aprons.  I'm pretty stoked.  The manager seems like he is going to be an awesome guy to work for.  I've worked in a convenient store before, so it's kind of old school for me, but's a job and money coming in, and they'll work around my schedule with my other job, so it's all good. :)

I'm VERY excited about starting this new venture.  We'll see where it goes, and just go from there.

I know this is super short, but I have a bunch of stuff to do before I can go to bed, and it's already after 11.

Light, love and new jobs!! <3

Thursday, September 12, 2013

Fighting struggles head on

There are some days when it seems like it would be best to just stay in bed....not even face the struggles that you know are looming out there, waiting to consume you and destroy whatever strides you want to make.

Today was one of those such days for me.  I knew it the moment I opened my eyes....I was going to be better off if I just stayed in bed.  But, as a mama first, I knew that wasn't an option.  So, I got up and tried to go about my day as best I could.

Bible study was this morning, and I just LOVE listening to the facilitator talk.  She is most definitely a woman of God, and you can just really FEEL God when she speaks...if that makes any sense.  She said a few things today that just really got to me, right in the core of my gut.  

I've mentioned before that I am a volunteer for an organization called Miscarriage Matters.  This organization is absolutely amazing, and I completely believe that through love and support from others who have been through similar experiences, women can heal from loss a little less lonely.

I've been talking to several different women who have recently suffered a miscarriage or stillbirth, and it's been....difficult for me.  I do not in any way regret volunteering to talk to these women, or befriending them.  It's just going through the same emotions and sadness that I went through alone.  I am so glad that I am able to be a voice (or word, since it's all email or text) in the darkness for them, because I didn't have much of that when I was going through my losses.  Sure, I talked to friends and family, but I didn't have anyone that had been through what I was going through, so I really felt alone.

And I think that was where the darkness was creeping in from for me today.  There are so many things that sneak up on me........and my emotions and dealing with my emotions is one of them. *sigh* 

It's hard to listen to someone talk about something that you've felt and experienced and NOT be sad.  It's hard to know the EXACT pain they are feeling, and want to take it away but knowing that you can't.  It forces you to realize that regardless of what you think, you are NOT in control.  And sometimes that is a hard thing to realize.

Miscarriage is a horrible, awful thing that no one should ever have to go through.  Sadly, more women go through them than what is realized.  Typically, those of us in this sucky sisterhood suffer in silence, because talking about miscarriages just isn't the norm.  I hope I can continue to be a voice in the darkness, letting women know that they most certainly are NOT alone......and I hope that me talking about the hurt and the fear and the sadness that is so common helps them come out of their dark places.

Well, my friends, I think for tonight I am going to get outta here and just relax and get some sleep.  My heart has felt enough heaviness for the day.  Until next time ~ Light, love and oreo cookies. <3

Going out on a limb that may break under my butt......................................... goes.....

I decided to go out on a limb and try something that I normally wouldn't do.  I decided to audition for this deal called Blogger Idol.

A friend of mine, Non-Stop Mom is a judge.  It was started by the wonderful gal over at My Husband Ate All My Icecream, whom I follow, and I've found some pretty fantastic blogs thru seeing Blogger Idol in the past.  

Now, the biggest reason that I opted to audition, honestly, is because I would love to gain some followers and feel like I'm part of this awesome community of people who share their lives and thoughts with whomever may need to read what they have to say at the moment. :) 

There are also some pretty cool prizes that are up for grabs too.....Such as:

$300 Gift Certificate to Marware

$300 Gift Certificate to Bullet Designs

One Free Month of Intermediate Level Blog Management Services from Bloom Blogs- value $249

1 Week of Full Service Pinterest Management from Little Birdie Social Media - Value $50

One Year of PicMonkey Royale – Retail Value $33

$25 Gift Certificate to Baconery

$25 Amazon Gift Certificate

Those are some pretty awesome prizes if you ask me.  Now, I will ask that you all follow along and vote for whichever blogs tickle your fancy.  And of course, I would BEG that you vote for me so that hopefully I can get into the top 12.  I think it would be really cool to be a member of this elite group, and I would love to get the things I have to say out there.

So, there ya have it.....I did it, and I'm hoping that you'll pull for me and vote for me and watch as we travel on this journey (hopefully) to Blogger Idol 13!!!

Wednesday, September 11, 2013

Workin' Overtime

Motherhood is not a simple walk in the park.  It's a terrible, wonderful, crazy thing.  There are so many facets to being a mom that I never really paid a whole lot of attention to before I had these two little bambinos.  It is really quite amazing when you sit and think of everything that a mom does during the course of a day.

First, you know, there's getting the child(ren) up and ready for the day.  Some little ones, like mine, wake up at what seems like the butt crack of dawn and come in smiles blazing wanting to watch Mickey Mouse before the first drops of coffee have passed a mom's lips (and any mom that doesn't drink coffee deserves some kind of medal, because I couldn't get through the diaper changes without it).  Getting them up and ready usually consists of changing diapers, or sitting on the potty, getting clothes on and feeding them.  Some days all those things happen, others--not so much.  There have been many a morning that I've changed the diaper and said forget the clothes and just left them in their pajamas simply because I lacked the give-a-*#&! to care.  Feeding the child(ren) takes on a whole new life of it's own some mornings too......depending on the attitudes of said child(ren) when their feet hit the floor.

Then of course there's laundry, cleaning, running errands, grocery shopping, putting the groceries away, taking out the garbage, laundry, bathing the child(ren), naps, lunches, making dinner, cleaning up the dinner mess (am I the only one who eats???), picking up the toys and putting things away so that when you hear a funny noise in the middle of the night, you don't step on that lone Lego that always seems to find its way under your foot in the dark.

At some point, the dogs need fed/let out, the chickens need tended to, the cat box needs scooped, the fish bowl needs's a never ending process of making sure that the house is semi presentable just in case some unexpected company (like the annoying landlord) stops by.  And of course....when the unexpected company does come by and ring the doorbell, it's usually when the kids are down for a nap.  So, at that point, life becomes about getting the dogs to quiet down and get away from the door while you're trying to open the door and get the unexpected company to come in QUIETLY and get out of the hallway so that they don't wake up the kids even though the barking has probably already woken them up.

Once all the normal day to day stuff is done, then there's the bathing (cuz you know, the kid(s) need to smell decent if they are going to be seen anywhere in public), whatever other night time rituals, and then getting the child(ren) to stay in their beds.  After 87 hugs, kisses, drinks of water, going pottys, and being covered up, then Mama MIGHT get to sit down and relax.  However, if they are anything like me, there's 1000 other things that need to be done before Mama can sit and relax and go to bed.

That's been a typical day in my life since we had our foster kids and onto now that we've had our kids.  Here lately though, we've had to throw in the mix Mama going to work.  Now I only work 22 hours a MONTH, so it's not like I have a full time job.

I have LOVED staying at home with my kids.  It gives me a sense of purpose, but at the same time, I feel like I've lost some of myself too.  It's lonely.  No way around it, no's lonely.  The only adult contact that I've had during any given day is from Hubby, and some's questionable whether that would really be considered adult. :P I love the man, but there are some days that I question my

It used to be, way back when, that staying home is exactly what a mom did.  She took care of her hubby and kids, and did so willingly and without complaint....or mostly without complaint.  If she didn't stay home, it was somewhat frowned upon by society.  It's just what moms did.  Times were much simpler then....and the economy wasn't as difficult to survive in as it is now.  Anymore, you pretty much HAVE to have a two-person income just to survive.  The cost of living and having kids are drastically increased, and so it's causing parents to reevaluate if one of them staying home is even feasible.

Hubby and I have had many long conversations about me going back to work, and while it's something that I've struggled with, it is something that I just need to do....for many reasons.  I am a very social being...I always have been.  Having friends and an outlet to get me out of the house is SO important to who I am, and I've been seriously lacking in that department.  Moving far away from my friends was a hard decision, but living closer to my parents was more important.  I've been really blessed to find a Bible Study and a MOPS group that help get me out of the house and around other women that have kids and know what it's like....and it's helping.  Like I said before, I've been working about 22 hours a month, and so that's helping too.  It gets me out and around other adults, and so I'm able to kind of get my identity away from strictly Mama.  It's nice to feel more like my old self, and laugh at jokes, and not constantly be saying "Stop that!" "Don't hit your brother!" "Get off the entertainment center, Cookie!" "Get over here so I can change your diaper!"

Finding a balance between being Mama and being a working adult who still has to do all the normal things at home in addition to the things outside of home is a difficult thing to do.  Luckily for me, I have a wonderful support system around me, helping me every step along the way.  Knowing that I have that support allows me to go into each day with confidence and pride.

Until next time my friends ~ Light, love and Snickers ice cream.

Tuesday, September 10, 2013

Feeling thoughtful..........

I was asked today what my greatest accomplishment was.  Without any hesitation at all, I answered "my kids."  It got me thinking which can be a scary thing for me. :P

I've talked some about my journey to parenthood and the struggles and trials that came along with it.  Becoming a mom was SO important to me....I never wanted anything more in my entire life.  When we were in the thick of it, I remember thinking "what am I gonna be if I can't be a mom?"  I didn't want anything else.  I couldn't imagine being anything else.  Getting through our struggles with infertility and the miscarriages took so much out of not just me, but both of us, and I wondered if we were going to be able to come out the other side of it.  I wondered if it was really going to be worth all the pain and heartache that we were going through to get to the other side.

Being a parent is hard.  Every day is another new challenge.  There are days when I wonder if I'm going to make it to the next one, because the challenges are sometimes overwhelming.  Between the changing of diapers, cooking the food, laundry, cleaning and all the other STUFF that consumes my day...I can assure you without a shadow of a doubt that it is completely worth every single, scary minute of the process in trying to get here.

There are things in my parenting that I question every single day.  I wonder if I'm doing the right thing, saying the right's a never-ending internal battle of questioning myself and believing in what I am doing.  I'm sure that I'm not the first mom in history to ever question her parenting abilities.  I'm very blessed with an awesome supportive mom who gives me encouragement and advice whenever I ask it of her.  I've also got some pretty fantastic friends who have kids that are older than mine that will offer advice when I ask too.  That helps too, because it's kind of a "we've been there, done that" kind of advice, which I really appreciate.

When you get down to the brass tacks of it, I wouldn't trade a single day of my journey to becoming a parent.  I wouldn't trade losing 5 babies before I carried Cookie.  It broke my heart, and some days still does, but it also made me appreciate being a mom so much more than I think I would have otherwise.  I'm not saying in any way that moms who don't have any issues don't appreciate their children....not at all.  I just know that for ME, I am so much more thankful that Cookie and Muscles are here and well and healthy and growing and making me crazy.  There was a time when I seriously doubted whether it would ever happen.  And now that I'm on the other side, I couldn't be happier.

Until next time ~ Light, love and animal crackers.

Sunday, September 8, 2013

Staying up too late...


I have a bad tendency of staying up way later than I should, especially on nights when I have stuff to do the next day and should be getting a good amount of sleep.  I have a job interview tomorrow at a gas station here in town, which isn't my ideal job, but's a paycheck, it'll help pay the bills, and get me out of the house some.

I'm still continuing to make some changes with the blog.  Give me some feedback and let me know what you think!!! ;)

I'm going to make this another short one, because I am so tired....I will hopefully get a good update in to you guys tomorrow. <3

Light, love and Sister Wives. ;)  Night all!

Saturday, September 7, 2013

Changes...some subtle, some not so much..........

So, I've made a few changes here and there.....just in case you didn't notice. :P I'm trying to find my groove, so to speak, and felt like there were some tweaks (not like Miley...or was that twerks?) that needed to be made.

I am still brand new to all of this really, so forgive me while I tweak away and try and find my proper groove. ;)

It's been a long day, and tomorrow is going to be just as long, if not longer.  I have to work tomorrow, which I'm thankful for the money, but I don't really like working on Saturdays when Hubby is home.  It's only every other, so it's not like it is every weekend, but it kind of throws my week off some.....

I am going to keep this SUPER short, because I am TIRED, and I need to get some sleep so that I'm well rested for work tomorrow.  I promise you guys will get more out of me soon....once I find a good groove.

Until then, love, light and Oreo cookies! :)

Thursday, September 5, 2013

Football, ice cream and pondering

It's been a long couple of days here in FTM-land.  I'm really not complaining, because I've gotten out of the house for the last 3 days for several hours each day, and I've gotten some adult time each time I've gotten out of the house.  That has been REALLY nice.

Tuesday was the first MOPS meeting.  MOPS is a Mothers Of PreSchoolers group, and let me tell you....I am SO thankful that I found this group.  SO thankful.  It was a room full of moms who are either in the same boat as me (stay home with kiddos all day long, every day) or have been there, done that, got the t-shirt.  I knew I wasn't alone, because hello...I have friends, but it was nice to meet some other moms who live in the same town or close.  My friends are all scattered across the country, and so I don't really have any one that I can call and say, "hey...come over and have a cup of coffee with me while the kids run amok."  Until we moved to TX, I would call Rose and her and I would do just that.  Even when we went to IL for a visit, her and I did just that....I went over there, we let the kids play and do their thing, and we sat and drank our coffee and chit was awesome.  I'm hoping that in going to this group, I will find one or several moms that I can call and say, "Hey...come have a cup of coffee with me and let's let the kids run amok."  I crave that kind of friendship, and I'm really hoping that I hit it off with someone in order to do that.  It would be REALLY nice to have that friend that gets where I'm coming from, can hang out with me, or let me come over and hang out while Hubby works, we could swap would just be nice.

Wednesday I worked for a couple hours, while Billy stayed here with the kiddos.  I REALLY need to find daycare, because Billy just isn't as patient with my kids as someone else would be.  And it's not exactly his fault, because of the PTSD, but I worry about him losing his temper and I would just NOT be okay with that.  My client is 94 almost 95 years old, and I REALLY enjoy working with her.  She can be a bit abrasive, but I really think that it is a bit of a defense mechanism for her.  Once you get to know her, she's sweet as can be, and I really, really enjoy working with her.  It not only gets me out of the house for 3 hours every other week, but it gets HER out too.  At least I have my kids at home to entertain (and frustrate) me, but she's in her home alone.  That HAS to be hard....I don't know that I could handle it long term like she has............I just don't know.

Today was Bible study day.  I REALLY enjoy this group.  The facilitator is just awesome.  She was also at the MOPS meeting on Tuesday, so it was nice having a few familiar faces when I walked in Tuesday morning...another lady from CBS (the Bible study) was at MOPS too.  Cookie colored a picture and made a caterpillar in her class today too.  She was little miss crabby butt though, and has been for the last couple days.....not quite sure what that's all about.  Muscles was excited to see me, which was pretty awesome.  He crawled between the legs of another mom picking up her little one to get to me.....I laughed.  We are studying the book of Acts, and I'm really enjoying it and hope that I'm learning something along the way too.

Hubby and I are watching the Broncos/Ravens game that's on TV tonight.  I LOVE football season.  I just love it.  I have always been a football loving girl...ever since I can remember.  I get that from my Daddy.  And I'm fairly certain that Cookie is going to inherit it from HER Daddy too. :)  She climbed up in Hubby's lap and was laying JUST like him.  I would post the picture, but my phone is being a jerk, so I can't get it........I'll likely post it to my Facebook page when I'm done with the blog though, so look for it there. ;)  Anyway, shortly after the game started, we put the kids to bed, and Hubby decided that he wanted some ice cream, so I ran to DQ and got it.  The kids that work up there really need to learn how to deal with customers because HOLY CRAP.  I have worked fast food, so I know how tiring and difficult it can be.  I do.  But come was only a little after 8 pm, so not really late at all, considering they are open til 10, and the kid couldn't manage to #1 get my order when I repeated it TWICE, and #2 make it right.  I am NOT one to complain (ask anyone who knows me...I don't like confrontation AT ALL), but I was pretty irked.  I went inside and the kid looked like a deer in the headlights.  I complained to the manager, who seemed like she didn't want to be at work either, and they fixed the issue....barely.  So, I came home, ate my ice cream in peace, and complained to Hubby. :P

I've been contemplating a whole lot here recently, and just added something else to the mix. ;) I have heard about Blogger Idol, off and on, since it's conception in I think it was may have been 2010...I don't remember.  My pal over at Non-Stop Mom is a judge.  I've been thinking about maybe auditioning for it and seeing how it goes.  But, I dunno.  I don't know if my writing is strong enough to warrant me auditioning.  But at the same time, it would give my teeny tiny blog some exposure, and maybe hook me up with some more followers.  So, I don't know.

I've also been thinking about asking a couple of my other blogger buddies if they would do a guest post for me.  Not sure on what, so that's something that I'm going to have to give a lot more thought.  We'll see what happens.

This has been an awful wordy post tonight....quite unusual for me here lately, but it was nice being able to sit down at the computer and type it all out and kind of start getting some thoughts rolling and in place.  It's a time consuming process, but one that is necessary.  I'm still trying to figure out where I wanna go and how I wanna get there, and if you guys will hold on for the ride, we'll end up at the top, I'm certain! :)

So, for tonight I'll end with saying love, light and football.  Have a great evening, and until next time, remember you are loved. <3

Tuesday, September 3, 2013

Content and struggling all at the same time.................

It's been one hell of a day today.  Lots of good things going on, some stressful things, some not so good things, but, ya know............

Started MOPS today, and I have to say, it was awesome!! :) I really think I'm going to enjoy going and getting the kids out of the house, and I think that I will hopefully make some friends from this.  There were quite a few women there today, and I look forward to going back in 2 weeks.

I have to work in the morning, and then again on Saturday, so it's going to be a busy weekend, for sure.  We need to go grocery shopping on Sunday since we can't go Saturday.  That's always a not fun thing.

I have a friend that is in a tough spot right now, and could use all the prayers and good vibes that she can get.  I can't go into details at all, for a multitude of reasons, but I would appreciate it if you guys would just think of her and pray that God's will in her life be done.  It's a difficult thing for her, and I worry, I'm concerned, and sadly there is nothing that I can do about any of it. *sigh*  All I can do is be there to listen, and send prayers and love and so that's what I will continue to do.

I know this is short, but man, I'm TIRED.  I didn't sleep well last night, and with having to work in the morning, I should get to bed and crash.  I'm sure throughout the rest of the week, I will have more to tell you about my week.

I'm still working on trying to figure out how to get a support group going, or if it would even be something that would be beneficial.  My brain is going a million miles a minute when it comes to that, so we'll see how it goes.

Peace, love and puppy kisses. <3 Until next time, sleep well my friends.