It's been 7 years....

And there are days when the sting is still as fresh as the day it happened.  I'm not sure why this year has been so hard, but for whatever reason, I've been feeling the sadness and overwhelming difficulty that was losing my 2nd pregnancy.

I still remember every single minute of the 3 days from the first spotting to the aftermath of the D&C like it was yesterday.  I have gone over and over and over every detail in my head for the last couple weeks, every day.  I wonder what would have been, who Baby would look more like, what Baby would be doing in school, how Baby would be with Cookie & Muscles......I think about it almost constantly.

We had 5 miscarriages before we were blessed with Cookie, but this one ~ the second one ~ was just different.  We saw the heartbeat.  Everyone saw the heartbeat.  My parents and Hubby's mom included.  We gave a copy of the sono pic to my grandparents, his aunt, our parents....we just knew that this was the one....the one that would stick, the one that would be at our wedding when we got married the following year. I had so many dreams, hopes and ideas of what life would be like as parents.

I envisioned our baby playing with our friends' kids as they grew up together.  I saw Hubby pushing Baby on the swing, teaching Baby to ride a bike, throwing a base/softball in the yard...........so many things.  So many things that we'll be able to do with Cookies & Muscles, but not with Baby.  And that makes me sad.

I often wonder how Cookie would be with an older sibling....and that's something that I'll never know.  At some point, I think we'll probably tell Cookie and Muscles about their siblings in heaven.....I'm just not sure when or how.  They are too young at this point to understand, so I'm sure that it will have to wait until they are much older.  And I know they will have questions, and so I'm going to have to figure out how to answer those questions.

The last week or two has been really hard, trying to deal with everything that's been going through my head.  Don't get me wrong....I am SO thankful to have Cookie and Muscles, and I couldn't imagine my life without them.  They fill my heart with so much happiness and love, but there are times that I long for the babies that I lost....all the while knowing if I had them, I wouldn't have Cookie & Muscles, so it's a double edged sword.

While thinking about the what if's hurts, it also makes me smile, because I know that I will see them again someday.....and I know that they are content in Heaven with Hubby's mom, aunt, uncle and my grandparents that have passed.  And one day, I will have the answer to the "why did this happen to me?" question that has been tormenting me.

I hope that you are all well and enjoying this holiday season.

Light, Love & Christmas lights.  Until we meet again my friends!

Bit of a new look....and new outlook.

It's been a while, and for that I apologize.  Life tends to get in the way more than I want to admit, and I just don't have the online access from the computer that I used to have.  Hopefully after the first of the year that will change, and it'll be back to business as close to normal as I get.

I absolutely LOVE this time of year.  Christmas has always been, for a multitude of reasons, my favorite "season."  There's just something about the twinkling lights and ornaments and Christmas trees that makes me feel good and loved and all those happy things.  There's just nothing quite like it.

I wanted the page to reflect that a bit, so I changed the over all look and hope that it's not too boring.....

I'm trying to change my outlook on a lot of things, especially when it comes to my kids.  The last several months have been stressful and kind of crazy, but during this Christmas season, I'm trying really hard to concentrate on the important things, and not worry so much about the silly little stuff.  It's a lot easier said than done, but I'm really trying.

Cookie and Muscles will only be little for so long, ya know?  I want them to look back on their childhoods with as much love and adoration as I look back on mine, and being a yelling, unhappy mom isn't going to accomplish that.  I really need to work on remembering that they are little, and may not listen all the time like I think they should.....but they are learning, and growing, and there will soon come a time when they won't want to snuggle and be up my butt 24/7.  And those times are coming quicker than I really think I'm ready for.  There are days that it is really hard to remember that, and I need to make an active choice to remember that and really enjoy this time with them.

They are learning and growing and so curious about everything.  I need to slow down and soak it up and not get flustered with the 90 million "why" questions that I get, especially from Cookie.  She is curious, and wants to learn, and I need to nurture that and help her to figure things out.

I'm trying hard to learn to enjoy the moments with my babies, because they won't be babies forever.....and some days that is REALLY hard to remember.

I know this is another short post, but I'm battling the sickies, and really should go to bed so that I'm not even worse tomorrow. :)

So, for now, I'll say goodnight, and I PROMISE that I will work really hard at trying to get more posts out to my (few) loyal followers.

Light, love and cough medicine. <3 Until we meet again!

Long time

It's been a while, and I am sorry about that. Life is crazy, in a good way most of the time, and I just don't take the time to sit and write like I should. I wanted to pop in quickly and let you know I was still alive, and will try and pound out a better post later.

Light, love and cold days

Long time no talk and lots of thinking.

It's been a while, and I am really sorry about that. Life kind of gets in the way, and with no internet at home right now, it makes it that much tougher.

I have been keeping myself busy with bible study (2 of them actually), MOPS, and taking care of the kids. Miscarriage Matters is taking off at a lightening speed, and so that is really exciting too. As a matter of fact, I need to get on the phone with my boss and kind of play catch up. I have been a bit out of the loop, and feel bad about that.

Hubby and I celebrated our 6th anniversary last month, and we are looking forward to the holidays. 

I will try and write more later, when I can get to the computer.

Light, love and Grey's Anatomy

Lots of thinking.....

In the Bible Study class that I go to, we're studying Job, and the topic of suffering.  Job was a very wealthy man, had 10 children, a good life, and was faithful, obedient and fearful of God.  He made sacrifices in honor of his children, in the hopes that God would find favor with them all, not just Job.  Satan felt that he could get Job to curse God, and therefore was given permission to take everything away from Job.....his livestock, his home, his servants, his children and his health.  Through it all, Job never cursed God, only continued to worship him, even if he questioned why, and wished that he had never been born.

This particular study has caused me to do a lot of thinking about my suffering, the things that I've gone through, and it's got my brain all mushed up, so I'm going to try and hammer out some of my thoughts here.

After my divorce, I went through a stage of trying to find love in all the wrong places.  I had my heart broken more than once, and when I finally met Hubby (again) I felt like I was on top of the world.  We moved in together rather quickly, after only 4 months, but we both knew that we wanted to be together, and that it was the right thing to do.  I'm pretty sure both sets of parents thought we were insane, but here we are, 8 years later. ;)

We suffered through 5 miscarriages over the course of 3 1/2 very long years.  We went through foster care classes, so that we could become foster parents, because I honestly believed that we would never have kids of our own.  During that time, when we were going to doctor after doctor with no answers as to WHY we kept losing our babies, I felt like God had abandoned me.  I felt alone, sad, like I was going to lose my mind.

Looking back, and reliving those horrible years, I realize that everything I went through then was to help shape me into the mom that I am today.  It doesn't mean that I can look back and smile and be thankful for everything that we went through, but I can see it in a different light now than I could then.  Hubby and I's marriage survived all that horror, and I really believe we came out of it all much stronger.

Like Job, I suffered through an imaginable series of events, and I came out the other side.  There were times that I questioned why it was all happening to me, and I screamed out many times that it just wasn't fair.  I know, in time, it will all come to light as to why we went through the things that we did.

I find myself longing to have a closer relationship with God, and I am thankful every day that I went through the trials that I did, because honestly, it's made me a stronger woman.  I have a different appreciation for my children than I think I would have had I not had the miscarriages.

All the feels..........................

I haven't talked too terribly much here about my previous life and relationships, because they weren't relevant to my life now......or at least I didn't think that they were.  After reading a blog post done by my friend over at Non-Stop Mom, found here, I was hit with some pretty harsh realities of what I've been stuffing down deep.

A long time ago, in a different space and time, I was married to a man who I really thought was going to be my forever. We dated in high school, went to prom, homecoming, all those important high school things together. After I graduated and started college, he announced that he wanted to think about seeing other people, and gave me my class ring back. I had given it to him to wear around his neck.

We got back together and decided to get married. When I look back, I wasn't happy, but he had my virginity, and that wasn't something I took lightly. We got married, bought a house, and I pretended like everything was okay.

The first time he hit me, was around our first anniversary. I was upset because he had forgotten it completely. I got nothing, other than the back of his hand, because I asked him how he could forget, until 3 days later. Then I got 3 roses.....one for our first year, one because he was sorry he forgot, and the last because he would never hit me again. So I stayed.

Fast forward 6 months. He convinced me that I wasn't smart enough to get my degree in Respiratory Therapy, so I dropped out of school. I wanted to start a family, I wanted a baby. That's when hit number 2 happened. I was given a black eye, a sprained wrist, and a scratch from hitting the door jam. Three days later, I got roses and a pamphlet for the nursing prerequisites at the closer community college and the promise that he wouldn't hit me again. So I stayed.

I had started working at the nursing home in town, as a CNA, and was not home a lot, so it seemed like things were getting better.  I was going to school full time, working full time, and there was no more baby talk.  We were getting along rather well, or so it seemed.....until I came home late from school because a friend and I had got caught up in the parking lot talking, and I lost track of time.  He was at work, but came home to make sure that I knew I had messed up.  I was smacked, told to never let it happen again, and he walked out, leaving me to pick up my glasses and jewelry off the floor.  I was in the wrong.  So, I stayed.

In November, I found out about the first affair.  I confronted him, and he admitted to having her come to our home while I was at school.  I decided that I was done, and so I moved out.  A friend and her boyfriend came and helped me, because I was afraid of what he would do.....there was almost a confrontation, but my friend's boyfriend stood behind me, with a protective stance, and nothing happened.  It got ugly and nasty, divorce was filed, and I moved back in with my parents, feeling like I had failed.  In January of the following year, 2003, he called me at my parents house and wanted to talk.  So, I called him back.  He wanted to go to counselling, wanted to work on us and start a family.....So I went back.

We went to counselling, things got better, we were getting along, and talking and things seemed to be going great.

We got a new puppy, I started a new job, and for the first time in a long time, I felt like maybe we were going to make it.  I had surgery because of some difficulties with my girlie parts, and it was like a light bulb went off in his head.....  I found out that I was pregnant in May.  He was less than happy about it, and let me know with the back of his hand, multiple times.  I lost my baby on June 4th.  We hadn't told anyone, because I didn't want to tell too early, so no one in either family ever even knew. I put on my strong face, and went about daily life and family get togethers like things were great....when in reality, the verbal abuse had gotten SO much worse.

I was late coming home from work one night in August because of a wreck on the interstate, so his dinner wasn't on the table at the right time.  I had put something in the crock pot, and got the rest of it done as quickly as I could.  We ate in stone silence, and when we were done, I got up to clear the table, and he knocked me down and kicked me.

After that night, things were sliding down hill fast.  We were arguing all the time, sleeping in separate rooms, because I was afraid of what would happen if I woke him while he slept, and so I decided that I was done walking on eggshells, and was going to leave.  That was the beginning of October.

Then his mom died, very unexpectedly, very suddenly, with no opportunity for anyone to have time to say our last I love you's, our last goodbye's....nothing.  So I stayed.

We went on about our daily life, trying to find our new normal after the death of his mom.  He withdrew, we were miserable, and went on a last ditch effort vacation to try and save our marriage.  While we were on that vacation, we went jet skiing.  We stopped to watch the dolphins, and a wave knocked us off.  When we got back to the hotel, he hit me so hard, he knocked me out.  When I came to, I saw the bruise, and had no where to go.  He apologized and kissed me and tried to make it better.  So I stayed.

We got home from our vacation, and I finally left.  This time for good.  I spent so many years of my life trapped, not knowing where to go, how to get away, feeling like a failure of a wife and daughter.  My parents had been married for 30 years, and managed to get it right, and I couldn't....I felt like I had let them down.  There were many times in the midst of the nightmare that was my first marriage, when I actually thought to myself that I couldn't leave him because I would be letting my parents down.....they didn't know about the abuse-verbal or physical-because I was really good at hiding it.  If he knew that my parents were going to be coming up, things got really good for a couple days.

Being a woman who has been abused defined me for a really long time.  It took a lot of work and a REALLY good man in Hubby to make me realize that it is a part of who I am, but it does not define me.  For a long time, I struggled to realize that I am worth the love that I get from Hubby, and it was hard to know that someone could love me like that because I felt I didn't deserve it.

If someone you know has been or is being abused, encourage them, support them, and most importantly LOVE them.  Leaving is not an easy thing, and for some, it may not be the right thing.  What they need the most is love and support and to be told that they are cared about and wanted and important.  They need to feel listened to.  They need to feel believed.  It's scary and unknown and lonely all at the same time.

If you have been abused, know that you are not alone.  Reach out to those who surround you, and find support.  Believe in yourself.  You deserve to be loved, valued and not abused.

Laundry, cartoons and kids

Today is a busy day around FTM Land. Trying to get the house cleaned up and looking not so much like a pit. I have really slacked on my housekeeping duties, and it is simply because I lack the motivation to keep up with it. I am sick of being embarrassed to have company because of the state of my house. It makes for a very lonely life, truth be told . I am starting to make friends, and would really like to have more play dates and can't do that if the house is a disaster and there is laundry everywhere. 

Being a stay at home mom is so awesome and rewarding, but so much work too. I am learning that I need to manage my down time more, and have been thinking about removing the Facebook app from my phone. I find I spend entirely WAY too much time drinking around there when I should be doing other things. The days I put my phone on the shelf and leave it, I get SO much more completed. And I feel better about having a clean house than knowing what everyone is doing online.

The kids are growing by leaps and bounds and I am so excited to see the awesome little people they are becoming.

Anyways, I suppose I better scoot for now. A mothers work is never done. 

Light, Love and Bubble Guppies. Until next time.

Labor Day......

Hubby was off today, which gave him a 4 day weekend.  So it's back to the grind for him tomorrow.  And for me too......MOPS is starting up again, and tomorrow is our first meeting.  I'm part of the leadership team this year, which is pretty exciting for me.  It gives me a sense of belonging and makes me feel included, which is something that I've been searching for.

Bible study started this past Thursday, and I'm really looking forward to this year and the different studies that we're going to be doing.  That gives me a sense of purpose too...because I WANT to learn and study more about Christ and what He is doing in my life.

I suppose that I should get off here and get to bed.......Have an EARLY morning, and I really don't like having to get up early. :P

Nighty night my friends.....

Light, Love and MOPS!

Play dates, mac n cheese, and cleaning

This week has been a tough one, to say the least.  Cookie is REALLY missing Nana, which is making me miss her more too.  I can't blame Cookie....she has really only known life with Nana right here.  We moved here when Cookie was 7 weeks old, and have seen my parents really frequently the whole time.  I think there has only been 3 times since we moved here 3 years ago that my parents weren't around for more than a couple days.  Maybe 4 times.  It's tough to say the least.

One of the moms from my MOPS group has 2 kids that are really close in age to Cookie and Muscles, and so we've gotten together a couple times this week for a lunch play date.  It's been nice having someone to come and break up the monotony of being at home with the kids all day alone.  I almost feel like I'm cheating on my bestie in IL, Rose, but I have to break up the staying at home all day every day with the kids by myself.  We had mac n cheese and strawberries for lunch, with cookies for dessert.  It's nice having some kids close to my kids' ages that can come play and keep my kids entertained for a bit.  Even if they fight and argue some. ;) Kids will be kids, and mine are at that age where they are trying to figure out what it means to share.  It's been really nice knowing that they are having fun while learning at the same time.

We had a little bit of a rain shower not too long after they left, but it seems to have passed over without doing much. We REALLY need the rain, and we're not really getting the amount that we need.  We're supposed to get rain until Sunday, so I really hope that it starts to pick up a bit here soon.

I should be doing laundry or cleaning, and I just can't seem to want to get up off my ever expanding butt to do anything.  I think a lot of my laziness today has to do with the fact that I didn't sleep very well last night.  Cookie got up at some point and got in bed with us, and then she was up when Hubby got up for work, which meant that I was up.  I got her to lay down with me and sleep for a while longer, but then she was up again at 7, wanting to watch cartoons.  So, 6 hours of broken sleep really just didn't do me any good.  Now the kids are both down for a nap, and I should be doing SOMETHING, but I'm sitting on the couch, with the computer in my lap, watching True Blood.

I'm really looking forward to the day when the kids can help clean up and do their laundry and wash dishes.....not sure when that will actually happen though....lol

I suppose this is it for now, I really need to go get the kitchen cleaned up, and grab something to snack on.

Light, love and True Blood.  Until next time, my friends.

It's here, and it sucks.

The day that I have been dreading for the last 6 months has arrived.  My parents left tonight to begin their new adventure in a town 4 hours away.  I HATE it.  HATE it.  Did I mention that I hate it?  It's not something that I ever figured would happen.  It happened in 2008, before Hubby and I were married.  We lived in IL and Mom & Dad moved down here to TX.  It never crossed my mind that 3 years after we got here, they would have to leave again.

It's been a rough day, to say the least.  BUT, my husband, is his wonderful, loving wisdom, arranged to have the day off today, so that he was able to be home with me and keep me distracted.  Which, he did a really good job of, until about now.  He's in bed sleeping, and I should be, and I'm not.  Instead, I'm sitting up, thinking about the fact that my parents are sleeping in a hotel tonight, instead of where I feel like they should be in their house.

I'm watching Parenthood, which isn't helping my emotional state right now either.  But, I am completely in love with this show.

I suppose I should go hop in the shower and try and get some decent sleep.  I know it's unlikely to happen, because I can't seem to shut off my brain, but I have to at least try.  I will try and update more tomorrow.

Light, love and the end of Parenthood on Netflix. <3

Trying to hold myself together.................

And it's not working very well.

My parents, who have been my rock, my support, and SO involved with Cookie and Muscles are moving to a town about 4 or so hours away from here.  I am NOT taking it well, at all, and it's been tough.  Cookie really isn't old enough to even understand.  Muscles is definitely not old enough to get it, and I don't know how I'm going to get Cookie through that transition to not having her Nana right around the corner.

The movers are coming to pack Mom & Dad's house tomorrow, and then will load on Thursday and into Friday. *sigh* I am so NOT ready for this.  Just not ready at all.  It seems like the last 6 months since we found out about the move have just flown by, and it's here and I'm just not ready for it to be here already.

They leave on Monday, and it's coming so soon.......I really don't like it.  It's not something that I thought would even happen....and it did, and it sucks.

So, here I sit, up way too late, because I can't get my brain to shut off long enough for me to get tired.  I could just sit here and cry, but what good would that do me?  Not much, except make my eyes puffy and make me look worse than I already do. :P

I really don't know what to do with all the feelings that are running around in my head.  The thought of not having my parents at my disposal really stinks.  4 hours is so incredibly do-able in a weekend, it's not like we'll be so far apart that we'll only get to see them once a year or anything, but it just stinks.  I have gotten so used to just dropping by whenever, and now I can't do that, and I don't like it at all.

We'll have Face Time on our iPhones, which is not even close to the same, but at least the kids will get to see Nana and Ra-ra whenever they want, pretty much.  I just wish that the time wouldn't have crept up so quick.  I wanted more time, and I feel like I wasted time doing other stuff when I could have been spending it with them.

In other news, school isn't going as well as I'd hoped, which is making me crazy.  I have so many worries, and I can't seem to get them under control.  It's annoying more than anything.  I know that in the long run, everything will work out and be ok....it's just a matter of getting to that point.

I suppose that I should close this out and get myself to bed.  I have a lot of things to do tomorrow, and I'm sure that Cookie and Muscles are going to be up at the crack of dawn like they always are.

Light, Love and Parenthood. <3 I will write more as I can...I miss writing more.........

Things are moving and cruising right along...............

And it's scary and exciting and overwhelming all at the same time.

Things are moving right along with Miscarriage Matters.  We're now just waiting for the approval and "official" notification for our 501(c)3.  That in and of itself is going to open SO many doors for the organization, and it's just REALLY exciting.  It's a really exciting time in the organization, and with that we'll be able to do so many more things.....reach and help so many more people (hopefully).  I'm so proud to be a part of this organization and be able to reach out and help so many when there wasn't that help available to me.  I absolutely love it.  It makes me really feel like my losses were not in vain.

School is cruising right along too...and it's kicking my butt this go around.  I'm hoping that I do really well in this class, because otherwise, I'm going to rip out my hair. :P

I had intended on writing a whole lot more, but I'm REALLY tired, so I'm going to get to bed.  I will try and write more later.

Light, Love and Parenthood.

Being a stay at home mom isn't all soap operas and bon bons.......

Before we had kids, I really hadn't given a whole lot of thought as to whether or not I wanted to be able to stay home with the kids.  I honestly just kind of assumed that once the baby was 6 weeks old, that I'd go back to work, my child would go to daycare, and all would be well and good.

When I found out that I was pregnant with Cookie, I wasn't working.  I had gotten laid off in May, and was looking for something else.  We got word that we were going to be getting a foster placement, and that's when Hubby and I decided that I would just stay home with the kids, because we would have some extra money coming in to help take care of them, and since they were so young, and they'd been bounced around quite a bit, it would be easier for them.  I had gotten used to being able to go have coffee with my girlfriends when I wanted, and I knew that it would be a bit more difficult with the kids, but it would do them some good to be around other kids and things like that.

Once I was diagnosed with high blood pressure, I was really thankful that I was at home, because I could concentrate on making sure that Cookie was doing okay, and with the twins at school in the mornings, I was able to just kind of relax at home until I had to go pick them up.  Life with the twins was completely different because they had visitation with their dad, school, and other appointments that we were constantly running to.  The twins were placed with another family in the process of going home, since I was afraid that I wouldn't be able to handle them and a newborn, so I was able to relish in sleeping in and only having to go to my doctors appointments and eating whatever I wanted whenever I wanted.  I feel like I didn't get a true taste of what it was to stay home until Cookie came along.

After Cookie arrived, things were completely different for me.  There was no more sleeping in.  Ever.  For the first 7 weeks of her life, the only place that she would sleep was on my chest.  While I LOVED getting all that snuggle time with her, it was exhausting.  I pretty much didn't sleep for almost 2 months.  I would get a quick nap in while she was sleeping, but I was so worried about dropping her, or smothering her or something that my sleep was very short.  Once we moved from IL to TX, and she was sleeping in her crib, then I got a little bit more sleep.  Once she finally started sleeping through the night, it was definitely better.  But then came the napless days and crawling then walking and teething.  And on top of all of that, I decided it would be a good idea to go back to school with a brand new baby at home. HA!

I never really got the concept of being at home all day, every day, by myself while Hubby worked.  When we were in IL, Hubby was only working part time hours, so it wasn't really hard, because he only worked 5-6 hours a night, 4-5 nights a week.  After he started working in TX, he's been working 8-10 hours a day 5-6 days a week.  And that's when it became a totally different ballgame for me.

But, I will have to finish another night, because I am pooped.  I'm going to go to bed, because now that it's 2 AM, the kids are going to be up soon, and I have to get up with them.

Light, love and pretzel sticks.

Father's Day and random thoughts.

So, today is Father's Day.  I got up this morning, took both the kids to church, because Cookie got to sing with the VBS kids.  She loved every minute of it.  She is growing so fast....it's hard to believe.

I need to start checking into preschool for her.  I know she would absolutely LOVE going to school, so I really need to start researching and see if she is able to go.  I'm not sure if she would start next school year, or the following.  I'm still thinking about homeschooling.....but I'm wondering if getting her through kindergarten or 1st grade would be better......I just don't know.  I want her to have a good foundation, and she's SO smart, I know she would catch on quick.  I'm going to have to just start looking and see what's even available.  I would love to be able to send her to the Christian school here, but it is SO expensive.  So I don't really think that's a possibility.

I think that we're going to start going to the Baptist church where VBS was held.  The pastor is great, everyone there is awesome, Cookie LOVES it, there are lots of kids her age that go there......it just feels like an all around win-win situation.  I felt really moved by the talk that Pastor gave this morning, and I really feel like we could be at home there.  I know that the kids will grow and thrive....and that's what I want more than anything.  Somewhere that my kids will make friends that they will grow up with and go to school with and maybe even fall in love with.

It's been a long day....a long week really.  My one client is out of town, so I've been going out to her place and taking care of her cats twice a day.  It's exhausting.  She's paying me to do it, so it's not a super big deal, but it just makes my days a bit longer.  Only about 6 more days to go before she's home.  So, it'll be okay until then. ;)

I should probably get to bed....seeing as it's 12:30 a.m. and I have to be awake at about 6 a.m. to make sure that the front door is locked so that Cookie can't escape....which she did a couple weeks ago.  I had a police officer ringing my doorbell at 8 a.m., because my child went outside and was across the street playing at the park, and some women walking called the police.  I almost had a break down.....she was fine, but the 'what ifs' could have killed me.

Anyway....I'm going to head to bed, get some sleep and start all over again tomorrow.

Light, love and old episodes of Grey's Anatomy.  Nighty night my faithful followers.

Laundry, cleaning and eating, oh my!

Today was a day full of laundry and cleaning and getting to spend some good quality time with my family. <3 There is nothing better than that, nothing in the entire world.  And it seems as though it doesn't happen often enough.  We're always too busy, or annoyed or something.  The kids took pretty short naps today, which made for grouchy kids this evening, but, all in all, they did pretty well.

I'm really tired of doing laundry....and I still have several loads to do tomorrow.  But, hey, it's part of life I suppose.  I have a load in the dryer that needs folded, a load that needs to go into the dryer, and then whites and sheets to do tomorrow.

Hubby and I have started watching Prison Break....and it's really pretty good.  We're on season 2, and I really really like it.  It stinks that it isn't on anymore, but I'm hoping that they wrap it up well.

The kids were in VBS this week...well, Cookie was.  Muscles was in the toddler care, and I volunteered.  I had an absolute blast working with the kids, and singing the songs and doing all the fun stuff.  Cookie absolutely LOVED going, and has talked of nothing but VBS since the first day.  It was awesome.  I'm so excited to see where this walk with Jesus leads my beauty.  She, thus far, is totally enthralled with learning about Jesus and I LOVE seeing that.  I'm hopeful that she will continue to walk this path, and that she will become a strong Christian woman, and know that she deserves nothing but the best.

I'm also hopeful that Muscles will follow the same path.  I really want both of them to lead a good Christian life, and stay as far away as possible from the evils of this world.  I know I can't keep them away from everything, but I am going to try my hardest.

I think at this point, I'm going to get some ice cream, watch another episode of Prison Break, and head to bed.  Oh, and I need to switch the laundry.

Light, love and folding socks. ;)

Up too late, brain won't shut off....

*sigh* So, today was the day.  Sadie crossed the Rainbow Bridge, and I can't seem to shake the overwhelming sadness that is flooding my head and heart.  I was there with my mom and dad, and it was probably one of the most difficult things I've ever gone through in my entire life.  I know some people will look at me like I'm insane, but Sadie had been a part of our family for at least 12 years....I think maybe longer.  It's just a very heavy weight...knowing that the next time I walk into my parents' house, she won't be there.  She won't give us kisses, I won't hear her bark....my kids won't get to play fetch with her.  I'm emotionally exhausted, and really need to get to bed, otherwise I would write more.  The kids are going to be up early, I still need to get a shower.  We're going to my brother's tomorrow, gonna go swimming and such.  It's going to be a long day, and hot, BUT, I know that the kids will love getting to play with their cousins. <3

Light, love and Summer time fun. <3

Mental vomit..............

The last few days have been trying to say the least.  I've been stressed, tired, overwhelmed, annoyed and just feeling kind of lost, to be honest.

Cookie has been going through something, though I'm not quite sure what....she's been really fussy and cries at the drop of a hat, and throws fits, and has been refusing naps.  When she doesn't get a nap, she is VERY irritable and moody and just unhappy.  And when she gets that way, I get frustrated and lose my temper much quicker than on a normal day.  I'm working on that, but ya know....being a mommy is tough work.

Money is snugger than I would like, and that's been a big cause of stress around here lately too.  I HATE fighting with Hubby over money, I really do, but it seems like that's what's been happening here lately.

And the biggest thing that's been weighing on my mind this week is the fact that my parents are having their beloved dog put to sleep tomorrow. :( Sadie has congestive heart failure, and it won't get better, and has been steadily getting worse over the last couple weeks.  They are going out of town to see my Grandma, and didn't want something to happen while they were gone, so they opted to end her suffering tomorrow.  I'm going to go over there and be with them.  The vet is actually coming to Mom & Dad's house, which I think is awesome.  It's going to be a hard day, for sure, and I'm just hoping that I can get through the day without too much trouble.

I was totally going to write more, but the night got away from me, and I'm exhausted, so I'm going to bed.

Light, love and peaceful passings. <3 Nighty night.

Mother's Day 2014

If you'd have told me 5 years ago that I would have 2 beautiful kids and be celebrating Mother's Day with them, I would have laughed in your face.  I never would have imagined that this would be my life.  I wouldn't trade it for anything, but I never would have thought that this could be me.

Being a mother to several angels is not for the faint of heart, that's for sure.  There were many times that I wanted to just give up, and for a while, we did.  We took a break from trying, and just enjoyed being together.  Mother's Day during those years was horribly difficult.  Most of the time, I just ignored it other than calling my mom to wish her a happy one.  I avoided the cards and flowers and gifts like they were the plague.  I would make sure that I didn't pay attention to the commercials or movies that centered around Mother's Day, because I just couldn't handle it.

The last couple of years have been much easier, since Cookie was born and then Muscles came along.  I still have my times where I think about what could have been, what my angels would be like....but for the most part, I live in the moment and go with the flow.

Working with Miscarriage Matters had really made me feel like losing my angels meant something. It's given me a purpose, a drive, that I never knew I had in me.  It's becoming a huge part of me...and it's making me into a better person.  I love the team that I work with, and it's wonderful to be a part of something so amazing.

I suppose this is it for now...I have to light a fire under Hubby's butt to get him in the shower so that we can go to my parents for dinner. 

Seriously???

It's been a month?  Really?  Man, I'm HORRIBLE at this. :( Things have been so absolutely NUTS the last couple weeks, I don't know whether I'm coming or going.

Anyway, let me get this out so that I can get to bed. ;)

The last month has been a whirlwind of busy-ness.  We finished up our Bible study class, MOPS is done for the summer, my parents have their house on the market, my brother Billy moved closer to the big city for school, and we've moved into a house that is better suited for our little family of 4.

The move has been the biggest nightmare....just an absolute nightmare.  We were supposed to be able to move in on May 1.  So our plan was to get the majority of the big stuff in that day, then use the 2nd to get everything else.  Well, that didn't happen.  The landlord was still working on this place, up to about 5 pm.  Then he was back working on it some more the following day.  So we got about 4 things moved over on Thursday and that was it.  Friday I ended up sick...as in I couldn't sit up without feeling like I was going to puke everywhere.  It finally passed, sort of, and we were able to get started about 1 pm.  My parents kept the kids off and on, since Mom had to work, and we kept at it until around 10 pm.  Got the kids home (to the new house) and to bed.  Got up Saturday and kept at it.  Mom & Dad kept the kids until nap time, and I worked straight through naptime, because the landlord's daughter in law called and said that the landlord had told us we had til noon to get out.....I was like, um, NO.  It's going to be later than that, we're only 2 people, we have a bunch of stuff, and there's NO WAY we agreed to noon.  So, anyway...it was just a nightmare.  We were at the old house packing up a load and my mom called and said come over and eat, and we'll keep the kids so you can finish.....and so that's what we did.  By the time we got done and home, it was 11:30 pm.  Got the kids to bed, showered, crawled into bed myself, and Cookie was up in the middle of night to get into bed with us.  So, I didn't sleep great.  Sunday we worked on the kitchen, and that was the ONLY thing that we got done.  We've worked on bits and pieces of getting stuff together all week long, and we're still not done.  I'm hoping that by the time Sunday comes around we'll be done and all the boxes that need to be unpacked will be. 

The kids' rooms haven't been touched....at all.  The bathroom either.  And we won't talk about Hubby and I's room.  What I will say about it is that none of my clothes are in the closet in there.....they are all in Cookie's room....because Hubby's clothes take up the entire closet.  So, at some point, we will be going through clothes and getting rid of A LOT.  Because I am not going to have to go into my child's room to get dressed.  NOT GONNA HAPPEN.

Cookie is having some issues with sleeping, so I need to go....she's awake and I need to go check on her.  Until next time (which I promise won't be a month from now!) take care.

Light, love and unpacking.  Sleep well, friends.

Holy......

.....mother of something......It's been SO crazy around here the last couple of weeks, I don't hardly know what to do with myself.  I am being pulled in 87 different directions, and I wouldn't change it for anything in the entire world.

Being a part of Miscarriage Matters has completely changed my life...in SO many ways.  I've been able to heal while being there for others at the same time.  There's nothing better than that.  I have been able to deal with things that I honestly didn't even know were issues until I started talking to other women who have been through the same things that I have.  I hope that I have made a positive change in their lives as well. 

Going through a miscarriage changes you in ways that a lot of people could never understand.  It's something that unless you've been through it, you honestly have NO clue.  And I wouldn't wish that knowledge on anyone, because it is the hardest thing that I have ever had to deal with in my entire life.  It's humbling to know that my experience has made the difference for someone who is going through it, because I didn't have anyone to relate to when I was going through mine.  It is such a taboo subject, which it really shouldn't be, because it is a part of life.  I hope that me being a part of the organization helps to get the word out to other women, and men, who are suffering loss, because we are here to provide support and love and a shoulder to cry on, from someone who understands the pain associated with miscarriage and infant loss. 

I am so proud to be a part of this organization, that I believe so strongly in, because I know that things are going to take off, and be amazing, and we will get to spread the word and create something that is not only world wide, but up until Miscarriage Matters, was unavailable.  One on one support with someone who has been through a loss is pretty well unheard of.  If you or someone you know has been through or is going through a miscarriage, please send them our way.  Our website is www.mymiscarriagematters.com.  Fill out the join/become a friend link and we can match you with a person to help you through this difficult time.  If you have been through this, and wish to help others, fill out the form at the same link, and we will work with you to get you ready to help.

The kids have been doing awesome, Cookie is pretty much potty trained. :) She is still pretty resistant to poop on the potty, but we're getting there. Muscles is just growing and changing and talking more and more every day.  I am so thankful that I'm able to stay home with them and see the changes and moments.....because they can never be replaced.  They will never be this little again, and I soak up every single moment of it.  Time goes so fast....so quickly, and before I know it, they will be off with their friends and my little babies will be no more.

I should completely be in bed, because it's after midnight....but I'm just not ready to go to bed yet.  I had a paper to turn in, which I got done, I've been working on postings for MM's Facebook page, which I got done, and now I'm just watching Pitch Perfect (Man, I LOVE this movie) and enjoying the peace and quiet.  Hubby and the kids are in bed, it's peaceful, and I'm just enjoying the quiet.

I'm hoping that tomorrow is a bit easier of a day with the kids....Cookie has been fighting naps, hard core, off and on.  Saturday, it wasn't an issue to get her to take one, but yesterday and today, she wanted no part of it.  She is SO cranky when she doesn't get one......I can't wait until we're able to move into a 3 bedroom, because then, even if she doesn't sleep, she will be put in her room for quiet time, but Muscles will still get a decent nap.

We're actually going to be moving in May/June.  Our lease here is up May 31st, and Billy and his fiance are moving closer to Houston.  So, we talked with our current landlord, and he's got another house here in town that he's going to be renting, so we're moving into it.  It's a 3 bedroom, 1 bath, decent size back yard, it's right across from a park, and on a pretty quiet street.  We're close to the elementary school, so there is also the playground for the school that is close.  We'll be able to walk to MOPS on nice days, because the church it is at is just across the park/playground.  I'm really looking forward to it, and so now I get to start packing.  :P  I HATE packing, but hey....if it means that we'll get into a better place, then I'm all for it.  And we NEED a 3 bedroom.  It's also a place that we can stay for the next 4 or 5 or 6 years until we can afford to buy/build a house, which is what we want to be able to do.  I am really excited that we'll be able to stay and not have to move again for a while.

Alright, well, this is getting lengthy and I'm getting exhausted, so I suppose I should get off here and head to bed.  Cookie's probably going to be up early, and I need to feel rested to be able to be patient with them tomorrow.  I pray that you all have a wonderful rest of your evening, or day tomorrow.

Light, love and Pitch Perfect.  Good night my friends.

Homework and frustrations

*sigh* Today has just been a rough, terrible, crappy day.  I shouldn't really say crappy, because it's not been completely crappy......but it hasn't been great either.  It's been stressful, and annoying, and I am just glad that it is finally about over.

I can't seem to wrap my brain around my homework this week, and to be 100% honest, I really don't care.  I have to bring my GPA up, but this class just isn't going to do it.  I'm hoping that I will end up with a C...I just can't seem to give a crap this class.  Next week is the final week, and our group project is due, and I'm doubting that we are going to get a stellar grade, because this group that I have had to work with hasn't been worth a hill of freaking beans.

It's been hard trying to balance my life....and I'm doing a really poor job of it.  I can't seem to make anyone happy.....and it's starting to wear on me.  I'm tired of trying to be everything for everyone and failing. And as if that's not bad enough, Hubby and I seem to be constantly fighting.  I don't even know if he even realizes that we are fighting.  He can be so obtuse sometimes.  He doesn't seem to realize that being a stay at home full time mom is not as easy as he makes it out to be.  I had hoped that when I was working, he would get a tiny taste of it, but apparently that didn't happen.  He doesn't realize how far a simple thank you would go with me.  All I seem to get is pissy-ness because something didn't get done, or done right or whatever.  I love him, with all my heart, but there are days that I just want to smack him in the face with a shovel.

Cookie has been potty training here lately......and has only had 1 accident in 3 days.  THREE WHOLE DAYS!!!! She isn't pooping on the toilet, but she is peeing on the toilet....every time she has to go.  And she tells us when she needs to go potty.  I am SO proud.  I put her down for her nap today in her panties, and she woke up dry too! ;) Now we'll just have to see how the rest of the week goes.....especially when we go to Bible study....that'll be the real test.  I worry about being in the car....but as long as I make her go potty before we leave, we should hopefully be okay.  I am going to put a change of clothes and underwear in her backpack so that she can take it with her, and that way the teacher won't have to go across the hall to get the diaper bag.

I'm NOT ready for all of this....I want my teeny tiny baby back.  It's all happening so fast, and I feel like it's just slipping away.  I'm going to be the mommy of a 3 year old....in just 6 short days.  It seems to insane to think that it's been 3 years since she was in my belly.  She's almost been here longer than we tried to get her here.  That is just completely crazy to me.  All I can hope is that I'm raising her to be a sweet, confident, well behaved little girl...who knows what she wants and that she can accomplish anything that she sets her mind to.

I'm fading, and fast, and since I'm planning on taking Hubby to work in the morning, I suppose that I should head to bed.  I don't want to be without a car tomorrow, and since the truck is STILL in the shop, I'm going to have to take him to work.

Light, love, and sweet dreams my friends.  I hope you sleep well.

Nap time shenanigans.

I wish that nap time was as easy now as it was a year ago.  Cookie just will NOT lay down quietly most days anymore, and that typically means that Muscles doesn't get a good nap either which leads to them both being cranky butts.  I try and try to get her down without being mean, but it doesn't work.  I thought maybe she was ready to just not take a nap anymore, but when she doesn't have one, come 6:30, she is just HORRIBLE.

We are going to be looking at a new house on Sunday.  Our current lease here is up in May, and since Billy & his fiance are going to be moving out, we can't afford this place on our own.  So, we're in the market for a new place....not that either of us (meaning Hubby & myself) really want to move again, but we don't have a choice.  It is a 3 bedroom, 1 bath which 1 bath isn't ideal, but it's doable.  I would rather have 2 baths, one for us and one for the kids, but oh well.  The landlord at the new house is the same landlord we have now, so we're hoping that he would be willing to work with us on the rent and such.  We like him as a landlord, he leaves us alone for the most part, but fixes stuff when it needs fixed.  I am hopeful that he will work with us, because we definitely need a 3 bedroom.

I am hopeful that with a 3 bedroom, and separating the kids that Cookie will at least take a rest when she needs to....which is every day. :P

School is going okay, the group that I have to work with leaves a lot to be desired though.  We have a group paper that we have to do, and so far there are only 2 of us that have managed to get our stuff in on time.  It's really frustrating.  Hopefully it'll get done, and we'll get a decent grade, but to be honest, I'm worried.

I'm going to cut this short, because I have a crap ton of housework that I have to do.  I will try and post again after while, but I'm not making any promises. ;)

Light, love and American Horror Story.

Life is GOOD..................

And I m definitely making the best of it. :)

Being able to be home with the kids is SO much more rewarding than I had realized before.  I mean, it always meant a lot to me, and I was so grateful to be at home, but after working and coming back to being at home, I really realize how much it actually means.

I've seen a huge change in the kids, just in the last several days.  I've seen a huge change in ME.  My whole perspective has changed.  I feel so much better, I am more at ease, I love every single aspect of it.

I love being able to get up with my kids in the morning, make them breakfast instead of just throwing cereal at them, and getting to enjoy our mornings.  I love getting to be the kind of mommy I always wanted to be....staying at home and enjoying my kids.

We're just waiting on Hubby's W2 to be able to file our taxes.  I'm really looking forward to that.....gonna get some bills paid ahead so that we aren't so stressed.  We're also going to get a NEW bed!!!! I'm sick of being so squished because Hubby is a HORRIBLE bed hog.  SO we're getting a KING. YAY!!!!! Can you tell that I'm excited about that???

I know this is short, but I'm tired, and have Bible study in the morning.  I'm going to go cuddle my honey, since he's already in bed, and get some sleep.

Light, love and red velvet cupcakes. <3

The big announcement........

So, it's been a rough couple of weeks.  There has been a lot of worrying, debate and general making myself sick over whether or not me working is paying off for us.  By the time you factor in paying the babysitter, losing our food stamps, the extra gas, etc., it turns out that it really wasn't all that worth it, especially when I was only bringing home about $20 a week from my paycheck.

Hubby and I talked and talked and debated and number crunched, and after talking to my mom about it, we came to the conclusion that it really wasn't worth the $20 for me to continue working....so.....next Friday is my last day.  I can't tell you the immense amount of weight that's been lifted from my shoulders.

I'm definitely looking forward to being home with my babies again.  I have missed that more than I really realized the last 3 months.  I'm also REALLY looking forward to getting my house back in order...........it's completely fallen apart since I started working, and this place is TRASHED.  It seems like the only time I ever clean anymore is if we have company coming over. *sigh* So you can imagine the state of my house.

I've found a checklist type thing that is all about getting your house in order and keeping it that way by doing small things every day.......I'm going to get it printed out and work on that the week after next.  I'm looking very forward to getting things back in order and establishing a routine for keeping things in order.

Being more available for playdates and such with my MOPS group is also going to be really nice.  I missed more than I would have liked because of work.  I can't even really think of anything about work that I'm going to miss.....other than a few of the people that I work with.

So, that's the big announcement.  And the big weight that's been lifted in my life.  Things are going to be snug money wise, but it's just not worth it for me to work.  I'm going to be going back to school soon too, so it'll be nice to not have to try and juggle work and school and the kids.  I'm very excited about going back to the way things have been for the last 3 years.

Hubby has talked about getting a part time job, which would help with money, but I really hate for him to have to work so many hours on his own....but we'll figure out what works for us.  I've also thought about looking into babysitting here too....but when I looked before, that didn't work out so well....so, we'll just have to see.  I'm excited for this new chapter.  I also hope that with my staying home that I'll be able to be around more and get traffic for the blog and Facebook page moving a bit more.

So, for tonight, I'm gonna scoot and watch some Chicago PD.  Light, love and snuggles. <3