Friday, June 24, 2011

English papers and migraines, oh my....

And thank GOD that stupid English paper is DONE.  Completely done.  I will hopefully NEVER have to take another English class as long as I live.  It makes me want to pull out all my hair by the roots.  But, luckily for me, it's OVER.  So, with the migraine that I now have, I'm going to go to bed, and pray that Ava sleeps later than 4:30 am, because I don't think my brain can handle being up that early again tomorrow.

Tuesday, June 21, 2011

New post..............

One little button, and it brings up a whole menagerie of things.  There are many things that I could make a new post about, and I've been trying to figure out if I should post a link to my blog to get my name out there.........I'm just not sure that I have anything profound enough to say to interest anyone.  So far I only have 6 followers....that's pretty pathetic if you ask me.  But at the same time, I've not made this very public, so....**shrug**

There are times when I question so many aspects of my life, and I don't know where to even begin the examination that I feel needs to take place.

I wish that I could put all the thoughts in my head into some kind of organization, but it's just not there.  I haven't been able to get it into any kind of organized pattern for a long time.  There are still times when I feel like I'm standing in the middle of a crowded room screaming at the top of my lungs, and no one is listening.  It's frustrating.

I suppose this is going to be all for tonight.  It's nearly midnight, and I've not been sleeping well as it is, so I should probably head to bed.  I know that the baby is going to be up early, and I need to feel rested.

Sunday, June 19, 2011

One of these days...

I will learn that I need to go to bed at a decent hour.....especially seeing that I have a 2 month old daughter that's been in bed since about 9 and will likely be up at oh, about 4 or so......hopefully she'll sleep longer than that.

Joe found a job through a temp agency working at a factory.  It's only a 3 week position, but he's got the chance of it turning into a different position at the same factory making more an hour, so we're going to hope and pray that things go super well and that he is able to stay on and move into the other position.  He has orientation tomorrow, and then will likely start on Monday.  I'm so excited for him, and that will buy me a bit of time before I have to beat pavement to find a job.  I struggle everyday with the thought of having to leave my lil one to go back to work, because there's going to be so much that I'm going to miss.....but I know that there's no way around it.  It's just something that I'm going to have to deal with.

Man....I started this 2 days ago, never finished it, and so now I'm coming back to it...after midnight AGAIN, and I have to be up at 6:15 tomorrow morning....bleh.

Ava's being baptized tomorrow morning, which I'm excited about.  But yet, I find myself up and unable to sleep.  It's almost 2 am, and I just can't seem to get in the frame of mind that I need to go to bed.  It's like my brain won't shut off.  At this point, I wonder if there's really any point in me going to bed at all.  I hate when I get like this, because I usually end up crabby as hell the next day.  I worry about so much anymore...whether I'm a good mom, what I need to do to improve, if I'm crazy for going back to school with a brand new baby, if I'm going to find a job, how we're going to support ourselves and our daughter, if we made the right decision in moving to Texas..................I feel so overwhelmed sometimes, and all I want to do is sit and cry, but I have no quiet, private place to do it, so I don't.  I don't ever get ME time anymore...and there's part of me that's okay with it, because I've wanted to be a mom for SO long....and so that part of me feels SO guilty every time I let someone else feed or change her.........but I HAVE to, because otherwise I know I will go completely insane.  I had to stop nursing her, because after we moved, I got lazy and it was easier for me to just give her a bottle than it was to go into another room to nurse so I would have some privacy.  I really wanted to nurse her until she was a year old, and so I feel like I failed her, because I didn't.  I have really been struggling with it the last week or so, because she's been so gassy on the formula, and I feel like if I hadn't let myself get so damn lazy, she wouldn't be gassy and fussy and upset as much as she is. 

I try and put on a happy face, but all the while inside I'm just sad.  I'm not sad about anything in particular, just sad in general.  I don't feel like I'm going to hurt myself or Ava, so no one worry (although I don't know why I said's not like anyone ever really reads this thing anyways.......).  I sometimes feel like I'm standing in the middle of a crowded room, screaming at the top of my lungs, and no one hears me.  I feel lost, like I don't know what my purpose is.  I don't really know how to explain it any better.

I just wish I had a better handle on things.  And it drives me bonkers that I don't.

Ava's being baptized tomorrow, on Father's Day.  I was baptized on Father's Day in 1979.  32 years ago....that's insane.  She's going to wear the same gown that I did.  I am so excited for that.  I can't wait to see who she's going to become as she grows up.  I am so blessed........I wish I could see that more.

I suppose I really should get off this stupid computer and get to bed.  4 hours of sleep is NOT going to be enough, but what choice do I have really?  I shouldn't have stayed up this late in the first place....because now I'm going to be crabby....oye.

Good night

Wednesday, June 15, 2011

Funny things, or something................

It's amazing to me how quickly the days run away from one when they have a million and a half things to do in 24 hours.  Not even 24 hours really, because you have to sleep at some point.

The current module for school that I'm in now ends not this coming Sunday, but the following.  The next one starts on Monday. :P  So much for a break, huh?? LOL.  I don't mind really, because the next module is going to be the guts of my degree really.  I will be taking Business Law and Intro to Law, so hopefully those will be more interesting for me than English, and the college prep class that I'm taking.  I HATE English, and so this class is the bane of my existence right now.  Poetry has NEVER been one of my strong suits, and that's what the last 3 weeks of this damn class are about.  YUCK.  I have to research a damn poet, and I don't have the first clue as to who I'm going to do.  Bleh.  I don't even want to think about it.  I'm looking forward to being able to send the current books that I have back to the college, and never having to take an English class again. :P  I should apologize to anyone that reads this that teaches English.  I'm sure you all love your job, but I HATE English class. What does a poet have to do with Law?  Yep, that's right....NOTHING.

I did not get the job that I had the interview for the other day. :(   But, that's just means that there is a better job out there somewhere for me.  Joe still hasn't heard anything back about his interview yet.  He'll call them again on Thursday and see if there's been a decision made, which hopefully the answer to that will be yes, and that he has the job. **fingers crossed**

My little one is growing like a's insane to me how quickly she's changing.  She's getting quite the little attitude about her sometimes too...I LOVE it.  I look at her and can't help but grin from ear to ear.  No matter how shitty my day is going, all I have to do is look at her, and my heart overflows and things are right with the world once again.  It's amazing.

I better scoot for tonight, she's not wanting to go to sleep for Daddy, and Mommy wants to go to bed as well.

Monday, June 13, 2011

Another late night.....

And I can't seem to make my brain shut off long enough for me to get to sleep.  One would think that since Ava's now almost 3 months old, I would realize that I'm better off going to bed and sleeping when she does.  But no, I have to be an idiot and stay up sitting on Facebook or doing homework.  At this point, I'm just praying that I pass the classes that I'm currently in, because I don't feel like I'm doing very good work.  I have GOT to get a routine down, or I'm going to end up flunking out. **sigh**

I just had to get that little rant out of my system, and now, because my head and neck hurt, I think I'm honestly going to finally give up and go to bed.  I NEED some decent sleep, and sitting here at the computer is not going to get that accomplished for me.

Friday, June 10, 2011

It's after midnight, and I'm still awake why?!?!?!?!?

Oh yeah, because I'm a psycho woman and decided that I needed to go back to school!  I swear, being a college student is going to at some point kill me.  I have come to this conclusion, and am trying to accept the reality of it.

I am only taking 2 classes right now, which in the grand scheme of things really isn't all that bad.  However, in BOTH classes this week, I have a paper due.  Talk about making me want to rip out every hair in my head.  I forget how much I DESPISE writing papers until I am stuck doing it again.  I feel like I'm falling behind, and not able to get anything else done, because I'm trying to get school work done, but I feel like I'm not getting school work done, because I'm a mom and have to do my mom duties.

I will just be glad when this module is OVER and I can move on to my law classes...which is something that I know I will enjoy.  I did really well in law classes when I was in school before, and I struggled with the English and writing garbage.

ANY way, in other news....I had a job interview today, which was kind of surreal, seeing as how I've not working in a year.  And I have to be honest, I've really enjoyed not working in the last year, and I'm really not looking forward to going back to work.  I feel like I'm going to miss too much of Ava growing up.... :(  Hubby also has a job interview tomorrow, so I'm hopeful that it goes well for him and that he's able to start working next week.  We'll just have to see what happens tomorrow.  The job that I interviewed for would be working for a bank, and really, Hubby wouldn't necessarily HAVE to work, because I would be making $13.50 an hour.  However, I would really like it if HE was the one that found a job like that, because then I would be the one that wouldn't have to work. :P  I would love to be able to stay home with Ava and finish school and then find a job where it would even be possible for me to work from home.  That would be perfectly ideal.  Now will it happen that way?  Probably not.  But one can hope right???

Well, I'm going to scoot for now, my eyelids are VERY heavy, and we have to leave here at a decent hour tomorrow.  Hubby has his interview, and Mom, Ava and I are going with him so that we can go do some grocery and other shopping after he's done.  Wish him luck, because we need for him to get a job!! :)

Sunday, June 5, 2011

Long time no write....

It's amazing how quickly time can tend to get away from you.  It seems like just last week was the last time that I posted, and then I look at the blog, and it's been a flippen month.  I suppose moving across country, going to school, and having a 2 month old will do that to you.  There's my month in a about you guys??? Lol

In all seriousness, things have been super crazy.  I've been a horrible friend, because I've been so out of touch with everyone.  My phone rings, and I'm either up to my elbows in poop, feeding a screaming child, trying to write a paper, or sleeping.  It never ends, I swear.  I try to find a few minutes to just sit and call someone or try to catch up on something, and Ava will start crying, or I have to pee, or something comes up that I just don't get any time to just BE.  I'm starting to wonder if going back to school was a good idea at all.

I know I can do it, I just need to make myself work on school certain hours of the day, no ifs, ands, or buts.  It's just not that easy when you have a 2 month old that refuses to get on any kind of regular schedule.  She is pretty much sleeping through the night, which has been fantastic, if only I was able to sleep when she does.  When she goes to bed, that's usually my time to attempt to get homework done.  Although I usually end up watching TV for a while, and by the time my show is over, I'm so freaking tired, I can't see straight.  So then I wait until Sunday night at 10PM to try and write a damn 500 word essay, and it doesn't get done, or it's done so half assedly that I don't even want to turn it in for the shame that goes behind it.

My parents have been super about helping with Ava, but I really don't feel that it should be their responsibility to help me with her when I have school work to do.  I'm struggling with trying to get my husband to do much of anything but sit on his ass, and it's really, really starting to get old.  He isn't getting the subtle hints that I'm trying to give him, so apparently I'm going to have to spell it out for him in plain English.  It's almost like he just doesn't know what to do.  And I get that, because I'm a first time parent too, but damn it man......put on your daddy panties and freakin deal with it!  There are times I don't know what to do to console her, and I just hold her to me and rock her until she goes to sleep.  If that doesn't work, then I change her butt.  I think seriously since she's been born, he's only changed maybe 2 diapers, and that's because I wasn't home when she needed changed!!!  I don't mind, because she's my daughter too, but damn it...he needs to start helping me more!  Speaking of which, she's fussing, and it's WAY past her bedtime, so I better take over so that I get some sleep tonight.  Until next time, which who knows when that'll be............................................