Wednesday, July 31, 2013

*sigh* That's about all I've got.....

I am SO angry and hurt that I don't even know if I can articulate much of anything that's going to make sense.  There was a HUGE blowout with my brother, who had been drinking, over absolutely nothing.  I am definitely regretting the decision to move in with him, and I honestly don't want to live out the rest of the lease under the same roof as him.

He is purposely keeping my nephews upstairs all day long so that they have no contact with me or my kids, which is disgusting.  He is using them as a pawn in whatever game he has decided to play, and it's absolute crap.  I haven't been able to stop crying since it happened, which was over 2 hours ago.  My 5 year old nephew doesn't understand that he can hurt Muscles by wrestling with him.  I simply picked my son up off the floor when my nephew would not stop and my brother BLEW up.  Accused me of being mean to him (my nephew) all night.  Told my nephew that I didn't love him, and only cared about myself and my kids.  I know that none of it would have happened had my brother not been drinking. He finished off the beer that WE bought and had in the fridge (since we moved in mind you).  I can completely understand why my sister in law left him.  Hubby was about 2 seconds away from punching him in the face, but my mom stood up.  He was bellowing at me at the top of his lungs, in front of my kids.  He scared my children, and that is NOT okay.  At all.  So, I'm done.  We will co-exist in this house only because we have to, then after that, I'm done with him completely.  I will not speak to him, keep his kids, nothing.  I am so completely disgusted with him, I can't even begin to tell you.  This is not the first time that he's yelled at me in this manner since we moved in, but I can assure you that it will be the last.  I'm completely done.  I know that he will not apologize, because his opinion is the only one that matters, and that's fine.  I have nothing more to say to him about anything.

I have never been talked to so meanly in all my life, and my ex husband was a real jerk.

I am just at a complete loss for words about all of this.................He is rude, only thinks of himself, and is a drunk.  That's what makes it worse...the damn drinking.  So, fine...........whatever.

I am going to try and go lay down and get some sleep.  I'm going to have to get up early to get some things done, and I haven't been sleeping well at all.  Not that I really think I'm going to sleep any better tonight.......................................

Monday, July 29, 2013

Late nights and blogging.........

So, I haven't been the most active blogger, but I'm really trying to get better about it.  It's hard to keep up with the blog with 2 littles, and I have a lot of admiration for those who are able to get it done.  A lot of my friends who blog have kiddos that are a bit older and I really think that makes a big difference.  I can't be on the computer other than when they are either down for their naps or down for the night, simply because they like pressing the buttons too

Being a mom is the most amazing thing in the world.  I could never have asked for a better job. Going from thinking that it was never going to happen to having a 1 and 2 year old baffles me every single day.  I count my blessings and thank my lucky stars that I was given such a wonderful gift.  Lil Lady and Muscles (as my dad calls him) fill my heart with more joy than I ever imagined possible.

Things have been really rough around here this I mentioned the other night.  After I posted the blog, my brother ended up needing me to go and pick his drunk self up from where he was at.  I swear, the man has NO self control when it comes to that AT ALL.  It makes me absolutely INSANE.  I know that there is nothing that I can do about it, because he is an adult, and he's going to do what he wants to do, but knowing that Hubby and I fought so hard to become parents and he doesn't even act like he wants to be a dad most of the time kills me.  I just....I just really feel like he doesn't appreciate the 2 beautiful boys that he has, and I don't get it.  It makes me completely crazy.  I keep hoping that him seeing how Hubby and I are with our kids will influence how he is with his kids, and it does NOTHING.  It makes me sad.

I wish that I could get more into his head and figure out what's going on up there, but he doesn't open up at all.  I know what it's like to go through a divorce, though not with kids, and I know how much it can hurt, even though I am the one who left my ex.  It doesn't make it easier to leave, believe me.  I know that the PTSD factors in, and I know that he's been through more than anyone ever should have, but using it as a crutch really needs to stop.  I don't know how to get through to him..........

I suppose that I should get this thing posted and get myself to bed.  I know that the boys are going to be up early tomorrow, and I'm keeping them so that my brother can go to school early.  Not totally sure why I agreed to it after this weekend.....I suppose maybe because I know that they are leaving to go back to IL in a couple weeks, and I'm not going to get to see them or talk to them until December.  It hurts my heart that they are so far away.......and I know that my baby girl is going to have a hard time adjusting to them not being here......she's been so happy with them here....even when they do fight over toys.

Well, friends...I hope the rest of this night treats you well, and I'll see ya on the flip side. ;)

Saturday, July 27, 2013

When irritation has reached a boiling point.......................................

I am SO beyond irritated at this point, it's not even remotely funny.  I have reached the point where my give a damn is broke, shattered and out by the curb.  It has gotten to the point where I frankly just don't care.

Living with my brother has turned out to be way more stressful than I ever imagined.  His boys are completely disrespectful, they don't listen AT ALL, and they are teaching MY daughter that it is okay to not listen.  I am going to have SO much to undo when they go back to IL in a couple of weeks...........And honestly, my brother isn't any better (where did I really think that the boys learned it from in the first place????).  I am already extremely sick of his lack of respect for me....and it's only me.  He isn't a complete jerk to Hubby.....he's only that way with me.  Tonight is a perfect example......

Billy (what my kiddos call my brother) decided to get his boys a popsicle.  He took Lil Lady outside--without asking our permission--so that she could have one too.  Hubby went outside and got her, and I told Billy that I didn't want Lil Lady to have a popsicle (it was too close to her bedtime).  He took her back outside and gave her one anyway.  Needless to say, I was not (and am still not) very happy with him.  So then he proceeds to get pissed at me because I am mad at him, and takes off after putting his boys to bed and STILL isn't home.  It's almost 12:30 am...... *sigh* But I am not supposed to say anything to him, because it is HIS life.

I could spit nails, I am so mad.  And this isn't the first time or the first thing that he's done the exact opposite of what I've said or done.  So, I told Hubby tonight that I am done saying anything to him or his boys.  If something needs said, he is going to have to do it, because at least Billy listens to him.  I am so incredibly irritated that it is just almost literally makes my blood boil.  I am so sick and tired of him not thinking of anyone other than himself......and he claims to put his boys first, but he really doesn't.  It's amazing to me.

I am just amazed at how disrespectful he is to me...and my mom, even.  My dad was NEVER as disrespectful to a woman as he is EVER.  And he actually tries to get Hubby to be the same way towards's really quite disgusting.  I keep telling myself that this coming year will go by as quickly as this past year has, but it doesn't seem to be. :(

I am going to close out for tonight....I'm gonna grab some Crunch N Munch and finish watching this episode of Extreme Weightloss.

Have a fantastic night and I'll see ya on the flip side. <3

Thursday, July 25, 2013

Hell's Kitchen, Crunch N Munch and some sweet tea......

That was on my agenda for tonight.  It's all successfully over, and now I'm just going to veg out until my eyes won't stay open anymore.....which is apparently going to take much less time than I initially thought.  It's been a really long day.

Lil Man is teething, so his sleep patterns have been MAJORLY wonky, and last night he didn't go to sleep until practically midnight.  Which means that I didn't get to sleep until after 1, because I can never just go to sleep after I put him down.....I have to have my relax time.  Then, at 3 am, I woke up because it was hotter than the blue blazes in our room....come to find out, the power went out.  Not sure what caused it, but the entire neighborhood was out.  It took until almost 4:30 for it to come back on and stay on....which means that I didn't get to sleep until 4:30, because I just cannot sleep if I am hot.  And it was SO hot in our room.

So, it was a 2 cups of coffee kind of day.  I usually only have 1.  Needless to say, my stomach has been made at me ever since.  Too much coffee does a number on my stomach, and I know that, but I drank it anyway.

So now, I'm up too late, when I should totally be in bed, and I just don't have the umph to get up and go to bed.

I had thought out a bunch of things that I wanted to say tonight while driving home from church, and do you think I can remember any of them??? Lol.  NOPE. *sigh* Some days I wonder if I have any brain cells left in my head.......

I am going to go for tonight, because my bed is calling my name.  Tomorrow brings taking the car to get the inspection done, laundry, cleaning, and taking care of the kiddos.  Hopefully my parents are going to come by for a bit, then it'll be dinner time, maybe a movie or something, and back to bed again.  I also need to get some paperwork over to the HHS office....but I have to find it all first....................

Until later, my friends....remember that you are loved! <3

Thursday, July 18, 2013

A reason, season or lifetime.....

I have heard many times in many ways the saying that some people come into your life for a reason, a season, or a life time.  I got to digging around and found this:

Transient and Enduring Friendships

. . . for a reason, a season or forever

BY Brian A. "Drew" ChalkerReprinted with permission.
Many of us are fortunate enough to have friends (and, hopefully, partners) who are a consistent part of our lives throughout all our ups and downs. However, sometimes others we consider friends (and spouses) appear to enter, then depart from our lives for reasons we try to, but don't always, understand. This piece nicely explains the flow of people in and out of our lives.
It is said that love is blind but friendship is clairvoyant.
People come into your life for a reason, a season or a lifetime. When you figure out which one it is, you will know what to do for each person.
When someone is in your life for a REASON, it is usually to meet a need you have expressed. They have come to assist you through a difficulty, to provide you with guidance and support, to aid you physically, emotionally, or spiritually. They may seem like a godsend, and they are! They are there for the reason you need them to be. Then, without any wrongdoing on your part, or at an inconvenient time, this person will say or do something to bring the relationship to an end. Sometimes they die. Sometimes they walk away. Sometimes they act up and force you to take a stand. What we must realize is that our need has been met, our desire fulfilled, their work is done. The prayer you sent up has been answered. And now it is time to move on.
Then people come into your life for a SEASON, because your turn has come to share, grow, or learn. They bring you an experience of peace, or make you laugh. They may teach you something you have never done. They usually give you an unbelievable amount of joy. Believe it! It is real! But, only for a season.
LIFETIME relationships teach you lifetime lessons: things you must build upon in order to have a solid emotional foundation. Your job is to accept the lesson, love the person, and put what you have learned to use in all other relationships and areas of your life.

I find that these things are absolutely, without a doubt, completely true.  I have had a lot of friends in my lifetime, as I'm sure all of us have.  Trying to figure out whether someone is in your life for a reason, season or lifetime can definitely be a daunting task, but one that once figured out can make all the difference in the world.  There have been friends that I had hoped were for a lifetime that only stayed for a reason.  Just as there were some that I thought were only for a reason that ended up either a season or a lifetime.

I have some of the best friends in the entire world.  I have a core group that are all on my speed dial, that I call first when something good, bad or indifferent happens, that I cry to when I'm having a bad day, that I share all the joys and sorrows of life with.  One I have been friends with for 9 years, one 7 years, and one more than half my life.  They have all seen me laugh, hugged me while I cry, listened to me whine, complain and be happy.

I was lucky enough to have one of them stand up with me when I married my hubby, though I know the others would have been there if they'd been able.  She was also there by my side the day that Lil Lady was born, and was the 3rd person to hold her.

I think that the only way that we are able to get through life sometimes is knowing that we have people in our corner fighting for us when we sometimes can't.  I wouldn't be where I am today without the love and support of those friends.  They have carried me when I could no longer walk.

One of these friends has been going through a REALLY difficult last couple of weeks.  She's always been so strong, so vibrant, so full of life.  The last week, especially, I've heard how much of her spark these difficulties have stripped from her.  Knowing that there really isn't much I can do for her other than listen when she needs to vent is making me crazy.  There are more days than not that I wish that a teleporter existed, because I would go scoop her up and bring her here, and we would take off to the beach for the weekend, just her and I.  I know that it wouldn't erase her difficulties, and they would be waiting for her when she came back, but it would hopefully give her a chance to recharge and clear her mind.  Talking to her on the phone just doesn't allow for me to give her as much support as I would like to....because there is nothing better than a strong hug from a friend during a rough time.

I hope that even though we don't live close together, that she knows if we did, I would do whatever I could to help.  And I'm sure that she does know it.

I hope that every one of you is able to have those friends that last a lifetime, because there is no greater feeling than to sit back and look at all the crap that you've been through, and to see who was by your side and who still is.  I am amazed at the number of people in my life that have been there for 7 + don't really think about it when you're young, but with everything that life throws at you, maintaining friendships can be a bit tough.

Life throws curve balls, and is short......make sure that you tell those who are important that they are.  Love, hugs and kisses, my friends.

Monday, July 15, 2013


I don't even know where to begin.  I have been SO frustrated this weekend, and it doesn't look like there's any end in sight.  There are so many things that I just can't seem to wrap my brain around, and bouncing ideas off anyone else is kind of a moot point.

I feel like no one listens when I talk.  Ever.  Including my husband.  It's difficult living in a house with 2 other adults, and feeling like your opinions and thoughts are not appreciated or listened to in any way.  I feel like I'm talking to myself 99% of the time.  It's aggravating.  I don't know what else I can do to make myself heard.  I find myself getting more and more frustrated with my own kids because of the lack of respect.  It's really starting to make me crazy.

One of these days it's going to come to blows and I'm going to flip out on someone.............and it isn't going to be pretty. *sigh*

Trying to walk the fine line between supporting someone that you love, helping them through the tough spots in their life, and wanting to knock the crap out of them really takes it's toll on you.  Seeing someone self destruct in front of you and knowing that nothing you say will make a damn bit of difference to them is the epitome of difficulty.  And knowing that the things that are causing the self destruction are completely preventable makes the situation even more difficult a pill to swallow.

I feel like I have been a horrible friend here lately just gets in the way so often, and I don't pick up the phone and dial it as often as I should.  I get so caught up in taking care of the kids and changing diapers that I lose track of the day pretty quickly.  And before I know it, it's time to make dinner, get kids in the tub and get them into bed.  Then I sit up and watch tv, when I should be sleeping, and I even tend to forget that I need to update the blog, because I'm just that special.

I keep hoping that things will even themselves out and I will get to the point where things don't affect me the way that they do now, but it's been a long time, and things don't seem to be getting any better.  All I can do is just grab my bootstraps and hold on for the ride, and hope that it gets better.

On that note, I'm going to close out for the night.  My eyes are burning, and I need to get some sleep.

Monday, July 8, 2013

Long days and nights................................

It's been a long couple of weeks since the move.  Things are finally starting to calm down and fall into place, but good grief.....It's been nutty.  I finished up my last class at school, and now I'm just waiting for things to start up again. I am definitely enjoying the break, though, that's for sure.

Hubby and I finally got our room completely put things hung on the wall, clothes completely put away, closets organized.  It feels more like home.  We got Lil Man's wall stickers hung up today too, so the kids' room is finally completely done.  Now if I could just get my brother to pick up all his crap out of the pool room and get it put away, the downstairs would be pretty well all done.  It's been a definite learning curve moving in with him.....and it's been VERY stressful.  I'm hoping that things will calm down a bit once my nephews go back to IL at the end of the summer.  So we have about another 5 weeks or so of the stress.

I'm going to try and get a blog post up more frequently....though with having 2 kiddos, getting online is a luxury  If the kids would take a decent nap at the same time every day, that would free up some time for me, but they won't.

I suppose that I am going to head to bed at this point....I am just exhausted.  I got up at 7 this morning with Lil Lady, after not falling asleep until after 1 am.  Bleh.

I will hopefully be able to update more tomorrow.

Tuesday, July 2, 2013

Busy, busy.....

With no end in sight. *sigh* I am glad that I stay busy, because the days go by quickly, but I hate it at the same time, because that means that my kiddos are a day older much faster than I am ready for.  I have been trying to get things organized at home, since we just moved (AGAIN) and it's going much slower than I would like.  It's frustrating.  We need to paint several rooms, but haven't had the money to do it, so things have not been hung up on the walls because of it.  Hubby & I's bedroom is the main room that is making me crazy right now......there is just stuff everywhere.  It is making me want to pull out my hair.  There is just crap laying all over the place, and I can't stand it.  I need to get some more coat hangers so that we can get clothes hung up since we don't really have enough dresser room, but I just haven't gotten it a lot of things.

Living with my brother is proving to be a challenge.....and one that I am not having a very easy time with.  It is really stressful with both of my nephews here, and my brother has a different style of discipline, which makes things difficult in and of itself.  I'm loving getting to spend time with the boys, and for the most part they are pretty good, but there are days that I really just want to beat all three of  I know that it is a learning curve, but I'm ready to get a better established routine.

Other than that, things are just cruising along at lightning speed.  I did finally get a job, however, right now, I only have 6 hours a month.  Needless to say, that is NOT enough, so I am for sure still looking.  I have to have faith that something better will come along, because otherwise I'm going to lose my mind.

I know this is short, and I know that there are other things that I wanna tell you guys, but my brain hurts, so I'm going to close out and head to bed.

I promise I'm going to get better about updating and sharing life......things are just insanely crazy right now.