titles is a pain in my butt. :P I'm out of clever ideas, and I really don't wanna bore anyone.....lol
So, I did a short series of posts discussing my journey to motherhood and the trials and disappointments that I had along the way. When Hubby and I were in the thick of it all, it really felt like the end of the world and like there was no way out.
I felt like no one understood what I was going through, especially because no one in my life had gone through a miscarriage. At least not anyone that lived anywhere near me. Hubby's aunt had gone through several miscarriages, but her and I aren't exactly close, and so it didn't feel like I could go to her with my fears.
I felt so lost, so out of control, like my life was going to crumble around my ankles and that was going to be the end of it for me. I had wanted nothing more in my life than to be a wife and a mother. I had one failed marriage under my belt, and here I was failing at becoming a mother. It was a huge blow to my self esteem, and I felt myself slowly falling into a hole of depression that I worried I would never come out of.
Through all of it, Hubby stood by my side and was my constant. He made sure that I knew he loved me, and that he was there for me whenever I felt ready to talk. I mostly hid inside myself, because I knew that he was hurting, and I didn't want him to feel like he couldn't grieve for our babies because he had to support me. It was something that I felt I had to take control of and deal with on my own, because he had to take care of himself.
When we found out that we were losing the first baby, I remember calling my mom and telling her on the phone. My dad went with me to the appointment, because she couldn't, and neither could Hubby, because they both had to work. After we got done at the doctor's office, I wanted nothing more than to crawl into a hole and not come out, but I couldn't do that because I had to go back to work. I walked back into the building, and my supervisor called me into the office and we chatted for a good long while about everything that had transpired that morning. I was more than heartbroken. It felt like someone was ripping my heart out of my chest and stomping on it with all their might. Hubby played softball through work, and there was a tournament the following weekend north of where we lived. We drove up the night before and stayed at a hotel along with most everyone that he played with. We went to Macaroni Grill for dinner, and I got my drink on. I felt like I needed to drown my sorrows, and so that's exactly what I did. Hubby was AMAZING. He held me while I cried, and changed the subject whenever someone would ask about it, because he knew that I just couldn't talk about it yet. We had a great weekend, even though I was still dealing with the physical stuff on top of the emotional stuff. It was nice to get away and try to not thing about it for a few days.
Of course, when we got home, the feelings and sadness were waiting there for me. But having Hubby by my side made things better. Life got somewhat back to normal, and we decided that we weren't going to do anything to prevent getting pregnant again, but we weren't necessarily going to try again either. I just wanted to have a "whatever happens happens" kind of attitude. It was not easy, by any means, but I tried my hardest. Something happens to you when you lose something that you've wanted more than anything else in your life.....I'm not sure if one becomes hardened right away, or if it takes a while....but for me, it did happen.
I will touch on that a bit more next time....for tonight, I'm going to get to bed and get some sleep. It's been a long day, and tomorrow is going to be just as long.