The last couple of days, my emotions have been a bit....out of whack. I've been thinking about it, and wondering, and trying to come to a conclusion about what the problem has been.
This time of year has always been my favorite. I absolutely LOVE fall. The colors change, the days and nights get cooler, there's bonfires, football, smores............I just love everything about it. Here in TX, things don't cool off nor change as quickly as it does other places. We don't usually get the cooler temps and color change until late November into December. Sometimes the cooler weather will start beginning to mid November, but it's definitely not in September. :P Snuggling up in a hoodie and jeans or sweats and listening to a fire crackle just does something to my soul.....it is just so peaceful and enjoyable to me....and since it's still too stinking hot, I'm missing out on it, so to speak. That bothers me some. Not enough for me to consider moving anywhere, but enough that I can't seem to stop thinking about it.
Along with thinking about fall and cooler weather, I always seem to miss my bestie in IL more this time of year too. And I think part of that is because for some reason, when the weather is cooler, coffee always seems to taste better. And, in addition to that, coffee with a friend is ALWAYS better than drinking it alone. There's just something about sitting with your bestest friend and chatting away while sipping on a cup of hot coffee that makes all seem right in your world.....even if things aren't completely good. There were many a day when we would sit and talk and cry and vent.....especially during the time when I was going through all my miscarriages. She may not have even known it, but she was the reason I got out of bed some days.....because she was expecting me for coffee.
That's the thing about emotions and feelings......they can knock you on your butt faster than you can swallow a drink of coffee or eat a smore. SO many times, I've thought that I had everything completely under control, and that I was FINE, only to be smacked right in the face back to reality. Two of the five babies that I lost were due in the fall months. One was due in October, and the other November. This makes getting through those months kind of tough sometimes.
Sometimes, Hubby is really good at pulling me out of whatever funk I find myself in. I still cry some days wondering what those babies would look like, would their personalities be similar or completely the opposite of Cookie and Muscles? I mourn because my children have siblings that none of us ever got to meet....and that makes me sad. I know that some day we'll all be reunited again, but some days that just doesn't seem like enough. Here lately, Hubby has not had much luck getting smiles out of me with this funk that I've found myself in.
All I can do at this point is ride the feelings out and continue to work through them. Talking about my miscarriages and supporting women who are going through what I've gone through is tough some days, and with anniversaries coming up, I am sure it's going to be a bit tougher than normal. I've got an amazing support system though, so I have no doubt that I will come through it with flying colors. :)
This is it for tonight. I hope sleep finds you easily. Until next time ~ Light, love and Candy Corn.