Monday, September 15, 2014

Lots of thinking.....

In the Bible Study class that I go to, we're studying Job, and the topic of suffering.  Job was a very wealthy man, had 10 children, a good life, and was faithful, obedient and fearful of God.  He made sacrifices in honor of his children, in the hopes that God would find favor with them all, not just Job.  Satan felt that he could get Job to curse God, and therefore was given permission to take everything away from Job.....his livestock, his home, his servants, his children and his health.  Through it all, Job never cursed God, only continued to worship him, even if he questioned why, and wished that he had never been born.

This particular study has caused me to do a lot of thinking about my suffering, the things that I've gone through, and it's got my brain all mushed up, so I'm going to try and hammer out some of my thoughts here.

After my divorce, I went through a stage of trying to find love in all the wrong places.  I had my heart broken more than once, and when I finally met Hubby (again) I felt like I was on top of the world.  We moved in together rather quickly, after only 4 months, but we both knew that we wanted to be together, and that it was the right thing to do.  I'm pretty sure both sets of parents thought we were insane, but here we are, 8 years later. ;)

We suffered through 5 miscarriages over the course of 3 1/2 very long years.  We went through foster care classes, so that we could become foster parents, because I honestly believed that we would never have kids of our own.  During that time, when we were going to doctor after doctor with no answers as to WHY we kept losing our babies, I felt like God had abandoned me.  I felt alone, sad, like I was going to lose my mind.

Looking back, and reliving those horrible years, I realize that everything I went through then was to help shape me into the mom that I am today.  It doesn't mean that I can look back and smile and be thankful for everything that we went through, but I can see it in a different light now than I could then.  Hubby and I's marriage survived all that horror, and I really believe we came out of it all much stronger.

Like Job, I suffered through an imaginable series of events, and I came out the other side.  There were times that I questioned why it was all happening to me, and I screamed out many times that it just wasn't fair.  I know, in time, it will all come to light as to why we went through the things that we did.

I find myself longing to have a closer relationship with God, and I am thankful every day that I went through the trials that I did, because honestly, it's made me a stronger woman.  I have a different appreciation for my children than I think I would have had I not had the miscarriages.

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