And there are days when the sting is still as fresh as the day it happened. I'm not sure why this year has been so hard, but for whatever reason, I've been feeling the sadness and overwhelming difficulty that was losing my 2nd pregnancy.
I still remember every single minute of the 3 days from the first spotting to the aftermath of the D&C like it was yesterday. I have gone over and over and over every detail in my head for the last couple weeks, every day. I wonder what would have been, who Baby would look more like, what Baby would be doing in school, how Baby would be with Cookie & Muscles......I think about it almost constantly.
We had 5 miscarriages before we were blessed with Cookie, but this one ~ the second one ~ was just different. We saw the heartbeat. Everyone saw the heartbeat. My parents and Hubby's mom included. We gave a copy of the sono pic to my grandparents, his aunt, our parents....we just knew that this was the one....the one that would stick, the one that would be at our wedding when we got married the following year. I had so many dreams, hopes and ideas of what life would be like as parents.
I envisioned our baby playing with our friends' kids as they grew up together. I saw Hubby pushing Baby on the swing, teaching Baby to ride a bike, throwing a base/softball in the yard...........so many things. So many things that we'll be able to do with Cookies & Muscles, but not with Baby. And that makes me sad.
I often wonder how Cookie would be with an older sibling....and that's something that I'll never know. At some point, I think we'll probably tell Cookie and Muscles about their siblings in heaven.....I'm just not sure when or how. They are too young at this point to understand, so I'm sure that it will have to wait until they are much older. And I know they will have questions, and so I'm going to have to figure out how to answer those questions.
The last week or two has been really hard, trying to deal with everything that's been going through my head. Don't get me wrong....I am SO thankful to have Cookie and Muscles, and I couldn't imagine my life without them. They fill my heart with so much happiness and love, but there are times that I long for the babies that I lost....all the while knowing if I had them, I wouldn't have Cookie & Muscles, so it's a double edged sword.
While thinking about the what if's hurts, it also makes me smile, because I know that I will see them again someday.....and I know that they are content in Heaven with Hubby's mom, aunt, uncle and my grandparents that have passed. And one day, I will have the answer to the "why did this happen to me?" question that has been tormenting me.
I hope that you are all well and enjoying this holiday season.
Light, Love & Christmas lights. Until we meet again my friends!