Friday, July 15, 2011

Ticking clock and coffee....

That's what I have in front of me this morning.  Mom and Dad are going out and about today, so I had to take Joe to work today so that I could have the car in case I need/want to go anywhere.  They will take the truck on their adventure, and I'll have to pick Joe up from work, which is long as I don't  We woke up late (imagine that) because Joe shut off his alarm and didn't get out of bed.  Luckily though, my internal alarm went off at 10 til 6 and we were able to get up, dressed, his lunch made (by me), breakfast eaten (my breakfast is the coffee that I'm drinking now) and out the door in time to get him to work on time so that he wasn't late.  Holy crap, that looks like a run on  Mom got up with Ava so that I didn't have to take a screaming baby with me to drop him off, and once I got home, she laid Ava back in her crib since she had fallen back asleep, and went back to bed herself.  My grandma is not doing well at all, and Mom isn't handling it very well either, and so she had a rough night last night.  I honestly did too.  I'm not ready to lose another grandparent....especially since she hasn't met Ava yet.  I know that I am very lucky to be 32 and still have 3 of the 4 grandparents, but I'm selfish damn it, and I am not ready for her to leave yet.  I haven't called to talk to her lately, and that's mainly because I don't think I can get through the conversation without crying.  I know that's stupid, but she's dealing with enough, she doesn't need to listen to me on the phone crying.  I also think part of it is that I'm not ready to say my goodbyes.  I didn't get the opportunity to say goodbye to my grandad when he died, and so I don't want that to happen again, but I can't bring myself to call.  Grandma doesn't last long on the phone anyways, so it would likely be a short conversation, and I could probably get off the phone before I started the crying stuff, but I still just can't pick up the phone and dial. **sigh**  So, instead, I sit here at the computer, tears welling up in my eyes, thinking about all the reasons that I SHOULD call.....and not doing it, because it's only 5:46AM there.

So, somehow or another I have to figure out a way for us to get to California.  I don't know how...or if Joe will even be able to get the time off work.  I just know nothing at this point, other than I HAVE to get there.  I'm almost jealous of the cousins/aunts/uncles that live out there, because they are all within quick driving distance.  It won't take them 3 days and $100s of dollars in gas to get there.  I don't know that I'll be able to get there in time for Grandma to meet Ava or not.  I kind of don't think so.

This just sucks.  I know it's a fact of life, and it's part of the process or whatever, but that doesn't change the fact that it sucks. And let me tell you.....IT SUCKS.

That's the thing about one really thinks about the death that occurs too.  One day, my daughter is going to be thinking the same thoughts, feeling the same feelings that I am.  And I'm going to be thinking and feeling the same as my mom.  I am really glad that we made the decision to move to Texas, because I am getting time with my mom that she didn't get with hers, because we've lived so far away from California for so long.  And I'm sure my mom feels regret that she didn't get the time with Grandma that her siblings have gotten....and that makes me very sad for her.  My grandma knows that my mom loves her, that I'm sure of.  I wish I had a magic wand or something that could whisk Mom and I out there for a that she could spend more time with Grandma, and Grandma could hold Ava.....but, this isn't Harry Potter.

I suppose I should get some homework done, since it's not going to do itself.

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