So, depending on how my computer decides to act, this may be pretty short. It's not wanting to cooperate...typing is a big pain in the ass.
The last couple of weeks have been VERY stressful. The people who own the house that we are renting have decided that they want to sell and do not want anyone in the house while it is on the market (so it apparently makes more sense to them to LOSE money while they wait for it to sell) and they wanted us out by tomorrow. So, I've been trying to find us another place to live. We luckily found a place, that is going to end up costing us less than this house. My brother is going to be living with us, which is a stress in and of itself. I LOVE my brother, but there are times that he is a complete putz. I can only hope that things will iron out as we learn one another's quirks, and we'll just go from there.
The house is a 4 bedroom, 3 bath, large kitchen, 2 car garage, 2 fire places, large back yard. My brother will have my nephews over the summer, so that will be nice too. Stressful, but nice. So, anyway, we are going to hopefully start moving this weekend. I would LOVE to have everything moved by Sunday, but I think that is probably pretty unrealistic. Especially seeing as we have 2 kiddos and my parents can't keep them the whole weekend. I wouldn't ask them to either. It is no easy thing to handle a 2 year old and a 9 month old at the same time. I am hoping they will agree to keep the kids some, because I am ready to just get moved.
So, my computer is just not cooperating, so this is it for now.
Thursday, May 30, 2013
Tuesday, May 21, 2013
Long days and looking for a job
So, things have not panned out the last couple months like they were supposed to. And it's a big pain in my butt, and causing me a lot of undue stress. I try to take each day in stride, and for the most part, I do fairly well.
My laptop is giving me fits all the sudden, not quite sure what the problem is there. I had a lot more I wanted to try and get out, but with the laptop not cooperating, it's not gonna happen. In fact, I think this is going to be about it for tonight. I know, I know, it's short, but it's after 1 am, I'm pooped, and I have to get up at a decent hour tomorrow so that I can go to my mom's for a bit. I will hopefully have an easier day tomorrow............though, it's hard telling if it'll actually happen the way I think it will...........
Until later, sweet dreams, happy thoughts and lots of cookies. ;)
My laptop is giving me fits all the sudden, not quite sure what the problem is there. I had a lot more I wanted to try and get out, but with the laptop not cooperating, it's not gonna happen. In fact, I think this is going to be about it for tonight. I know, I know, it's short, but it's after 1 am, I'm pooped, and I have to get up at a decent hour tomorrow so that I can go to my mom's for a bit. I will hopefully have an easier day tomorrow............though, it's hard telling if it'll actually happen the way I think it will...........
Until later, sweet dreams, happy thoughts and lots of cookies. ;)
Tuesday, May 14, 2013
Bedtime is over-rated........
Or something like that. I should completely be going to bed, because I am EXHAUSTED, but I wanted to continue my story telling before I completely forgot the things that I wanted to say in regards to all of it..............
So, I left off with telling my parents (and everyone on God's green earth) that we were pregnant. It was absolutely wonderful getting to tell everyone and feeling like things were going to be okay. I started this blog not too terribly long after that.
In November, we found out that baby was going to be a girl, and of course everyone was absolutely thrilled. Hubby was even excited, which I have to be honest, surprised me. When the midwife told us that she was 99% sure that it was a girl, the grin on his face was so memorable. I will never forget it. It wasn't long after that appointment that I was diagnosed with high blood pressure, so I had to see a maternal/fetal specialist for the rest of the pregnancy. Which was scary, but honestly was okay with me, because it meant that I got to see her at every appointment, because they did a sono every appointment.
The rest of the pregnancy was pretty textbook honestly, and since I already posted it, I won't go into the details of her birth.
I will however, tell you all that without a shadow of a doubt, the birth of my daughter was the defining moment of my life. It sealed for me that I was definitely meant to be a mother.
So many emotions surrounded her birth and continue to surround her in general. I continue to thank God every single day that He blessed me with her. We went through so much to get her here, and there were times that I was ready to give up and say screw it. And we nearly did. Something told me to just give it one more month....and I did, and she's 2 and funny and looks like me. :)
This was the day she was born...........................my sleeping beauty.
This one isn't super recent, but it was the most recent one I had on the computer. It was taken late last summer after Lil Lady's brother was born.
Her smile is infectious, and you can't help but laugh at some of the things she says and does....including when she tries to throw a fit about something, because 99% of the time, it's a completely fake fit.
Right before our girl turned 1, we found out that we were pregnant again....completely unexpectedly. And to top that, when we found out, I was already 16 weeks. Yep, I really could have almost been on that "I didn't know I was pregnant" show. Ha!
Well, this is all for tonight.....it's late and I need to get to bed. I have a pretty full day tomorrow, and I'm watching my nephew for my brother.
Have a wonderful night my friends. Until we meet again.
So, I left off with telling my parents (and everyone on God's green earth) that we were pregnant. It was absolutely wonderful getting to tell everyone and feeling like things were going to be okay. I started this blog not too terribly long after that.
In November, we found out that baby was going to be a girl, and of course everyone was absolutely thrilled. Hubby was even excited, which I have to be honest, surprised me. When the midwife told us that she was 99% sure that it was a girl, the grin on his face was so memorable. I will never forget it. It wasn't long after that appointment that I was diagnosed with high blood pressure, so I had to see a maternal/fetal specialist for the rest of the pregnancy. Which was scary, but honestly was okay with me, because it meant that I got to see her at every appointment, because they did a sono every appointment.
The rest of the pregnancy was pretty textbook honestly, and since I already posted it, I won't go into the details of her birth.
I will however, tell you all that without a shadow of a doubt, the birth of my daughter was the defining moment of my life. It sealed for me that I was definitely meant to be a mother.
So many emotions surrounded her birth and continue to surround her in general. I continue to thank God every single day that He blessed me with her. We went through so much to get her here, and there were times that I was ready to give up and say screw it. And we nearly did. Something told me to just give it one more month....and I did, and she's 2 and funny and looks like me. :)
This was the day she was born...........................my sleeping beauty.
Her smile is infectious, and you can't help but laugh at some of the things she says and does....including when she tries to throw a fit about something, because 99% of the time, it's a completely fake fit.
Right before our girl turned 1, we found out that we were pregnant again....completely unexpectedly. And to top that, when we found out, I was already 16 weeks. Yep, I really could have almost been on that "I didn't know I was pregnant" show. Ha!
Well, this is all for tonight.....it's late and I need to get to bed. I have a pretty full day tomorrow, and I'm watching my nephew for my brother.
Have a wonderful night my friends. Until we meet again.
Saturday, May 11, 2013
And the saga continues..................................
So, I have been gone for a while, because things have just been kind of crazy. We went on vacation, and since coming back, we've just been kind of busy. My brother and sister in law left today for Japan. :( Makes me incredibly sad. I've had a bit of a hard time today, obviously, but I'm dealing with it okay. I promised you all that I would continue my story to mommyhood, so I suppose I need to keep my promise.
So, I left off with us getting the phone call on August 2nd that would change so much......
Let me back up a little......I got on that eating healthier, quit smoking kick, and I was doing really well with it. Hubby and I talked, and we decided that we were going to give having a baby of our own another shot. We tried unsuccessfully in June. I told Hubby at that point that we were going to try one more month, and then I was done. I couldn't emotionally go through everything that we'd been going through anymore.
So, on the morning of August 1st, I got up early, because I just couldn't sleep, and I knew that it was time to test. So I did. And it was positive. And I immediately called my best friend and told her. I was scared, and almost couldn't believe it. I told Hubby and we both kind of said, okay, let's see what happens. That was a Sunday. I knew I couldn't get into the doctor until the following day, so I just kind of went through the rest of the day feeling scared and wondering if my little bean was going to end up being okay.
August 2nd, Monday, I woke up early again, went to the bathroom and called the doctor to try and get in. Then I realized that I was spotting. My heart sank. I knew that it was over. I called those that I had told about the positive test, and cried. I was convinced that the pregnancy was over. I didn't call the doctor's office back, because I thought I would give it til the end of the day. My appointment had been scheduled for the following day, so I figured we would go from there. I laid down on the couch, because I was just beyond devastated, so I thought I would try and sleep it off. My phone rang a few minutes later, and because I was in the middle of a cry fest, I hit ignore. The voicemail tone went off and I decided to listen.
It was our caseworker, calling to say that they had a potential placement for us, a set of twins, and that I needed to give her a call so she could give me specifics. I called her back right away, she told me about the placement, and I said I would have to talk to Hubby and get back to her. We discussed it, and I told him that I needed it, in case the pregnancy went south, and so I called our worker back and told her that we would take the twins. We got them that Friday, and man, were they ever a handfull....lol. They really were good kids, and adorable to boot.
I had gone into the doctor, and they did some bloodwork, and my numbers were going up like they were supposed to. We went back the following week, they did more bloodwork and a sono, and we saw the baby's heartbeat. I still didn't feel that everything was going to be fine, so we opted to not tell the majority of our friends and even our parents/families. I was just too scared of having the "oh, wait, no I'm not pregnant" conversation again. The followup bloodwork showed that some of the numbers were going up, but my progesterone wasn't going up like they wanted, so I had to go on progesterone suppositories. Those were NOT fun. They made a mess, and were just flat out uncomfortable.
Things were going well with the twins. We established a relationship with their dad, and we opted to supervise the visits so that they didn't have to meet at the office to do them. It just felt like that was too stiff and uncomfortable for them all, and the twins had a much more difficult time at home after a visit at the office. Once we started supervising, the twins did much better. They handled coming back to the house from the park and the discipline issues were at a minimum. It also gave me a chance to get to know their dad, and to see how he really was with them. Eventually we started having him over to our house for dinner on the nights of his visits, once the workers increasedhis visitation hours.
Things seemed to be cruising right along with the pregnancy too. I felt sicker than a dog almost all day long, and especially when it came to smells. I had a hard time changing diapers, because that smell made me nauseated. I still to this day don't like the smell of raw hamburger cooking in a skillet. But, I was glad to have the symptoms. SO very glad. At 11 weeks, which was a Monday, I went in for a pap smear and appointment. I was growing right on target, according to the doctor. After the pap, she said not to be surprised if I spotted that day or the following. I didn't, so I figured all was good. On Wednesday, I got up and started my day, and noticed that there was a tiny bit of pink on the toilet paper. I passed it off as my eyes playing tricks. I went to the bathroom a lil while later, and this time it was definitely there....only bright red this time. I called the OB and while waiting for someone to call me back, I freaked out and went to the hospital. I was waiting to be seen when the OB called me back and told me to come in for a sono check. I went in, everything was perfectly fine, baby was moving and heartbeat was strong. I breathed a huge sigh of relief and went home to my hubby and the twins.
At that point, since I was almost out of the first trimester, we decided to go ahead and tell the masses. I got my parents on the phone and webcam, and was able to show them the sono pic. I will never forget the look on my mom's face as long as I live. It was the best moment. I only wish it would have been in person, but at the time, we were in IL and my parents were here in TX.
This is going to have to be it for tonight............I'm flat out exhausted and I can hardly hold my eyes open anymore.
Stay safe and be blessed my friends, until we meet again.
So, I left off with us getting the phone call on August 2nd that would change so much......
Let me back up a little......I got on that eating healthier, quit smoking kick, and I was doing really well with it. Hubby and I talked, and we decided that we were going to give having a baby of our own another shot. We tried unsuccessfully in June. I told Hubby at that point that we were going to try one more month, and then I was done. I couldn't emotionally go through everything that we'd been going through anymore.
So, on the morning of August 1st, I got up early, because I just couldn't sleep, and I knew that it was time to test. So I did. And it was positive. And I immediately called my best friend and told her. I was scared, and almost couldn't believe it. I told Hubby and we both kind of said, okay, let's see what happens. That was a Sunday. I knew I couldn't get into the doctor until the following day, so I just kind of went through the rest of the day feeling scared and wondering if my little bean was going to end up being okay.
August 2nd, Monday, I woke up early again, went to the bathroom and called the doctor to try and get in. Then I realized that I was spotting. My heart sank. I knew that it was over. I called those that I had told about the positive test, and cried. I was convinced that the pregnancy was over. I didn't call the doctor's office back, because I thought I would give it til the end of the day. My appointment had been scheduled for the following day, so I figured we would go from there. I laid down on the couch, because I was just beyond devastated, so I thought I would try and sleep it off. My phone rang a few minutes later, and because I was in the middle of a cry fest, I hit ignore. The voicemail tone went off and I decided to listen.
It was our caseworker, calling to say that they had a potential placement for us, a set of twins, and that I needed to give her a call so she could give me specifics. I called her back right away, she told me about the placement, and I said I would have to talk to Hubby and get back to her. We discussed it, and I told him that I needed it, in case the pregnancy went south, and so I called our worker back and told her that we would take the twins. We got them that Friday, and man, were they ever a handfull....lol. They really were good kids, and adorable to boot.
I had gone into the doctor, and they did some bloodwork, and my numbers were going up like they were supposed to. We went back the following week, they did more bloodwork and a sono, and we saw the baby's heartbeat. I still didn't feel that everything was going to be fine, so we opted to not tell the majority of our friends and even our parents/families. I was just too scared of having the "oh, wait, no I'm not pregnant" conversation again. The followup bloodwork showed that some of the numbers were going up, but my progesterone wasn't going up like they wanted, so I had to go on progesterone suppositories. Those were NOT fun. They made a mess, and were just flat out uncomfortable.
Things were going well with the twins. We established a relationship with their dad, and we opted to supervise the visits so that they didn't have to meet at the office to do them. It just felt like that was too stiff and uncomfortable for them all, and the twins had a much more difficult time at home after a visit at the office. Once we started supervising, the twins did much better. They handled coming back to the house from the park and the discipline issues were at a minimum. It also gave me a chance to get to know their dad, and to see how he really was with them. Eventually we started having him over to our house for dinner on the nights of his visits, once the workers increasedhis visitation hours.
Things seemed to be cruising right along with the pregnancy too. I felt sicker than a dog almost all day long, and especially when it came to smells. I had a hard time changing diapers, because that smell made me nauseated. I still to this day don't like the smell of raw hamburger cooking in a skillet. But, I was glad to have the symptoms. SO very glad. At 11 weeks, which was a Monday, I went in for a pap smear and appointment. I was growing right on target, according to the doctor. After the pap, she said not to be surprised if I spotted that day or the following. I didn't, so I figured all was good. On Wednesday, I got up and started my day, and noticed that there was a tiny bit of pink on the toilet paper. I passed it off as my eyes playing tricks. I went to the bathroom a lil while later, and this time it was definitely there....only bright red this time. I called the OB and while waiting for someone to call me back, I freaked out and went to the hospital. I was waiting to be seen when the OB called me back and told me to come in for a sono check. I went in, everything was perfectly fine, baby was moving and heartbeat was strong. I breathed a huge sigh of relief and went home to my hubby and the twins.
At that point, since I was almost out of the first trimester, we decided to go ahead and tell the masses. I got my parents on the phone and webcam, and was able to show them the sono pic. I will never forget the look on my mom's face as long as I live. It was the best moment. I only wish it would have been in person, but at the time, we were in IL and my parents were here in TX.
This is going to have to be it for tonight............I'm flat out exhausted and I can hardly hold my eyes open anymore.
Stay safe and be blessed my friends, until we meet again.
Wednesday, May 8, 2013
Missing in Action................
So, I've been a little MIA here lately....things just got kind of kooky around here. After my last post, we took a trip back to IL to see friends and family. It was a good trip, albeit too short. I got to see most everyone that I wanted to, though I didn't get to spend nearly enough time with each of them. I wanted much more time with my bff, but that just didn't happen.
Things have been crazy and hectic, and don't look like they are going to be slowing down anytime soon, either. My brother and sister-in-law are leaving on Friday for Japan, I need to get started with work, and school is making me crazy.
I posted on my Facebook page about needing some prayers for my dad....so here's the scoop. He wasn't feeling well, so he went to the doctor, and they found some issues with his heart. They admitted him last night (Monday night) and ran some more tests and did a lot of bloodwork. They did an echocardiogram today and it came back okay. The plan at this point is that they are going to put in a pacemaker tomorrow. All the tests and bloodwork that they did showed that there was nothing physically wrong, just that the electrical impulses were not/are not doing what they should be doing. The pacemaker is a pretty routine thing, but I am still beside myself about it. Because of Lil Miss and Lil Man, I can't go to the hospital to be with them, but I did get to talk to my dad, and he sounded in good spirits. The surgery is scheduled for noon tomorrow (Wednesday) and if all goes well, Dad'll come home on Thursday. My mom stayed at the hospital with him tonight, and my brothers are going to go be with them tomorrow so that Mom isn't alone. Hopefully Pastor is going to head up there tomorrow too, and so that will just give my mom especially some added comfort.
Well, I suppose that I should close this out for tonight. I'm exhausted, and I have a full day ahead of me tomorrow. I promise I will continue the "Journey To Becoming a Mommy" saga.....I will try and get it done tomorrow.
Until next time, stay safe and be blessed my friends. <3
Things have been crazy and hectic, and don't look like they are going to be slowing down anytime soon, either. My brother and sister-in-law are leaving on Friday for Japan, I need to get started with work, and school is making me crazy.
I posted on my Facebook page about needing some prayers for my dad....so here's the scoop. He wasn't feeling well, so he went to the doctor, and they found some issues with his heart. They admitted him last night (Monday night) and ran some more tests and did a lot of bloodwork. They did an echocardiogram today and it came back okay. The plan at this point is that they are going to put in a pacemaker tomorrow. All the tests and bloodwork that they did showed that there was nothing physically wrong, just that the electrical impulses were not/are not doing what they should be doing. The pacemaker is a pretty routine thing, but I am still beside myself about it. Because of Lil Miss and Lil Man, I can't go to the hospital to be with them, but I did get to talk to my dad, and he sounded in good spirits. The surgery is scheduled for noon tomorrow (Wednesday) and if all goes well, Dad'll come home on Thursday. My mom stayed at the hospital with him tonight, and my brothers are going to go be with them tomorrow so that Mom isn't alone. Hopefully Pastor is going to head up there tomorrow too, and so that will just give my mom especially some added comfort.
Well, I suppose that I should close this out for tonight. I'm exhausted, and I have a full day ahead of me tomorrow. I promise I will continue the "Journey To Becoming a Mommy" saga.....I will try and get it done tomorrow.
Until next time, stay safe and be blessed my friends. <3
Tuesday, April 23, 2013
The road to mommyhood..........
Continues with pregnancy #2. As I said the other night, we decided to try for another baby. Things were cruising right along with Hubby (though he wasn't hubby at that point) and I, and I really wanted to expand the love we had to a baby. We had talked about the possibility of getting married, and we knew that it was something we wanted to do, but we didn't want to rush into anything either. We wanted to be able to pay for it all ourselves, especially since my parents were going to be moving out of state, and so we just kind of played it by ear if you will.
Hubby proposed on October 6th, 2007. It was the night of the Homecoming football game for our high school and I really thought he was going to ask me AT the game....but he didn't. He asked my dad's permission at the game, and then asked me later that night after we got home. Of course I said yes, and I was thrilled. His mom had given him a blue diamond to have set into a mounting to give to me, and it was/is absolutely beautiful. I was so thrilled. I still love it to this day. That was a Friday.
On Monday, I got another positive pregnancy test. I was terrified, but excited all at the same time. I went to a different doctor, one who's bedside manner was a tiny bit better. We told him what had happened with the last pregnancy, and he agreed to do a sonogram to see if we could see what was going on in there. So, I undressed, and we saw nothing. He scheduled us to come back in 2 weeks, and said that we could bring parents, if we wanted. So we came back with my parents and Hubby's mom in tow. We'd found out the previous December that Hubby's momhad cancer, so this was really important to her. I undressed, got on the table and everyone came in. Then we saw it......that little blip on the screen.....there was a flutter, and I cried. Hubby had tears in his eyes, my mom cried, and so did his. We didn't get to hear the heartbeat, at least I don't remember hearing it, but I felt SO much better that things were going to be better this time.
We went about our daily lives, and a couple weeks later, my sister in law (well, ex sister in law now.....) called me and told me that she was pregnant too, about 4 weeks ahead of me. I was SO excited. She and I were really close, and to be pregnant together was going to be just awesome. Her and my brother were coming down the following week for Thanksgiving, and I was just thrilled. Hubby & I went to the holiday party for my job that weekend, and things were great. We had a nice time, and told our friends about the pregnancy, and just really enjoyed ourselves.
Monday, I came down with a cold, and just was feeling really crappy. I came home from work, flat out exhausted and called in for the next day, because I didn't want to miss Wednesday since it was the day before Thanksgiving and if I did, I wouldn't get paid for the holiday. Hubby was at work, and I went to the bathroom, and noticed some blood. Immediately I freaked out (who wouldn't after going through a miscarriage 3 months prior) and called him to meet me at the emergency room. My mom came with me until Hubby could get there. We spent 6 HOURS in the ER, only to be told that they wouldn't do a sonogram because they didn't have the equipment (really??? It's a freaking hospital!!!!) and that my blood levels looked fine, my cervix was closed and it was probably nothing. I was told to follow up with my doctor the next day and to not worry. Needless to say, I didn't sleep at all that night. I called my doctor first thing in the morning, and they got me in a couple hours later. We went into the sono room, and the tech did the sono, said, "Give me just a minute" and left the room. When the doctor came in, he said "I'm sorry, there's no heartbeat." There were never more horrendous words spoken. I was 9 weeks along, but my baby had died at 8 weeks 5 days. I still feel the same pain in my heart when I think about it as I did that day. I was scheduled for a d&c the following day. So much for not missing work to ensure I got paid for the holiday. I had the surgery, and felt completely destroyed. I could hardly stand to be around my family, especially my sister in law, because she was pregnant too. Thanksgiving was really hard, and it was just a real nightmare to have to try and put on a smile when I felt like I was dying inside.....hell, I was dying. There was a piece of me that died when I was told there was no heartbeat.
Hubby and I endured 3 more miscarriages over the next 3 years. We went to 6 different doctors by the time it was all said and done, and no one could tell me why this was happening. There is no worse feeling than that of wanting a baby and getting pregnant and having that dream of becoming a mommy ripped out of your body. I felt like less of a woman because I couldn't do the thing I was born to do....something that is supposed to just happen. I felt like Hubby deserved someone that could make him the father he was so eager to become.
I was slipping into a huge depression, and could feel myself distancing from him. I didn't want him to touch me, because I was terrified of getting pregnant and losing it again. I had SO many procedures done to try and figure out what could be causing the losses, and there was never an answer. In one of my more desperately lost moments I told Hubby that I would completely understand if he wanted to leave me. He deserved to be a daddy, and that was something that I obviously couldn't give him. He said something to me that night that has stuck with me and made me love him all the more.....he said, "I didn't marry your uterus. There are other ways we can become parents." He couldn't have been more supportive during everything that we went through. It was amazing, and I was and still am SO blessed that he chose me to spend his life with.
Anyway, we decided to look into becoming foster parents, and went through the classes and got licensed. I got on an "I want to be healthier" kick and quit smoking, we started eating better, the whole nine yards. We had kept in touch with our licensing worker, almost weekly, to see if they had any word of a placement for us. I got laid off from my job on June 30th of 2010, which was devastating for me, because I really liked the place I was working. The boss was kind of a jerk, but I liked the office environment. I enjoyed being at home collecting unemployment though.....lol. It wasn't ideal, but hey...it still paid the bills.
Then on August 2nd, we got the phone call that would change so much in our lives.........................
But again, for now, this is it. I have to get up early, and it's late, and my girl is coughing and coughing, so I need to give her some medicine.
I hope I'm not boring you all too much.....this story is long, I know, but it's what has made me who I am.
So, for now, sweet dreams. Stay safe and be blessed my friends....until we meet again.
Hubby proposed on October 6th, 2007. It was the night of the Homecoming football game for our high school and I really thought he was going to ask me AT the game....but he didn't. He asked my dad's permission at the game, and then asked me later that night after we got home. Of course I said yes, and I was thrilled. His mom had given him a blue diamond to have set into a mounting to give to me, and it was/is absolutely beautiful. I was so thrilled. I still love it to this day. That was a Friday.
On Monday, I got another positive pregnancy test. I was terrified, but excited all at the same time. I went to a different doctor, one who's bedside manner was a tiny bit better. We told him what had happened with the last pregnancy, and he agreed to do a sonogram to see if we could see what was going on in there. So, I undressed, and we saw nothing. He scheduled us to come back in 2 weeks, and said that we could bring parents, if we wanted. So we came back with my parents and Hubby's mom in tow. We'd found out the previous December that Hubby's momhad cancer, so this was really important to her. I undressed, got on the table and everyone came in. Then we saw it......that little blip on the screen.....there was a flutter, and I cried. Hubby had tears in his eyes, my mom cried, and so did his. We didn't get to hear the heartbeat, at least I don't remember hearing it, but I felt SO much better that things were going to be better this time.
We went about our daily lives, and a couple weeks later, my sister in law (well, ex sister in law now.....) called me and told me that she was pregnant too, about 4 weeks ahead of me. I was SO excited. She and I were really close, and to be pregnant together was going to be just awesome. Her and my brother were coming down the following week for Thanksgiving, and I was just thrilled. Hubby & I went to the holiday party for my job that weekend, and things were great. We had a nice time, and told our friends about the pregnancy, and just really enjoyed ourselves.
Monday, I came down with a cold, and just was feeling really crappy. I came home from work, flat out exhausted and called in for the next day, because I didn't want to miss Wednesday since it was the day before Thanksgiving and if I did, I wouldn't get paid for the holiday. Hubby was at work, and I went to the bathroom, and noticed some blood. Immediately I freaked out (who wouldn't after going through a miscarriage 3 months prior) and called him to meet me at the emergency room. My mom came with me until Hubby could get there. We spent 6 HOURS in the ER, only to be told that they wouldn't do a sonogram because they didn't have the equipment (really??? It's a freaking hospital!!!!) and that my blood levels looked fine, my cervix was closed and it was probably nothing. I was told to follow up with my doctor the next day and to not worry. Needless to say, I didn't sleep at all that night. I called my doctor first thing in the morning, and they got me in a couple hours later. We went into the sono room, and the tech did the sono, said, "Give me just a minute" and left the room. When the doctor came in, he said "I'm sorry, there's no heartbeat." There were never more horrendous words spoken. I was 9 weeks along, but my baby had died at 8 weeks 5 days. I still feel the same pain in my heart when I think about it as I did that day. I was scheduled for a d&c the following day. So much for not missing work to ensure I got paid for the holiday. I had the surgery, and felt completely destroyed. I could hardly stand to be around my family, especially my sister in law, because she was pregnant too. Thanksgiving was really hard, and it was just a real nightmare to have to try and put on a smile when I felt like I was dying inside.....hell, I was dying. There was a piece of me that died when I was told there was no heartbeat.
Hubby and I endured 3 more miscarriages over the next 3 years. We went to 6 different doctors by the time it was all said and done, and no one could tell me why this was happening. There is no worse feeling than that of wanting a baby and getting pregnant and having that dream of becoming a mommy ripped out of your body. I felt like less of a woman because I couldn't do the thing I was born to do....something that is supposed to just happen. I felt like Hubby deserved someone that could make him the father he was so eager to become.
I was slipping into a huge depression, and could feel myself distancing from him. I didn't want him to touch me, because I was terrified of getting pregnant and losing it again. I had SO many procedures done to try and figure out what could be causing the losses, and there was never an answer. In one of my more desperately lost moments I told Hubby that I would completely understand if he wanted to leave me. He deserved to be a daddy, and that was something that I obviously couldn't give him. He said something to me that night that has stuck with me and made me love him all the more.....he said, "I didn't marry your uterus. There are other ways we can become parents." He couldn't have been more supportive during everything that we went through. It was amazing, and I was and still am SO blessed that he chose me to spend his life with.
Anyway, we decided to look into becoming foster parents, and went through the classes and got licensed. I got on an "I want to be healthier" kick and quit smoking, we started eating better, the whole nine yards. We had kept in touch with our licensing worker, almost weekly, to see if they had any word of a placement for us. I got laid off from my job on June 30th of 2010, which was devastating for me, because I really liked the place I was working. The boss was kind of a jerk, but I liked the office environment. I enjoyed being at home collecting unemployment though.....lol. It wasn't ideal, but hey...it still paid the bills.
Then on August 2nd, we got the phone call that would change so much in our lives.........................
But again, for now, this is it. I have to get up early, and it's late, and my girl is coughing and coughing, so I need to give her some medicine.
I hope I'm not boring you all too much.....this story is long, I know, but it's what has made me who I am.
So, for now, sweet dreams. Stay safe and be blessed my friends....until we meet again.
Monday, April 22, 2013
The beginning......................
So, to start the "series" of blog posts that I have planned in my head, I suppose I need to start at the beginning.......or maybe it would be better stated to give you a little bit of background on myself.
I married my ex husband at the age of 20. He and I started dating in high school, my sophmore year to be exact. He was the guy who got my virginity, and because of how I was brought up, I figured that meant that I had to marry him. Looking back at things now, that was way off, but I wouldn't change the way things happened, at all. Our relationship was rocky at best, and it was not easy. We separated in 2003, for a couple of months. We went to marriage counselling, tried getting back together, and I found out I was pregnant. He was less than happy about it, and we fought and fought. He wanted me to "get rid of it." I refused, because I wanted nothing more than to be a mom, and so when I absolutely refused, he knocked me around so much that I lost the baby anyway. Our relationship was never the same after that. Things went downhill pretty fast, and in early 2004 I finally wised up and walked away. Our divorce was final on April 12, 2004.
I went through a dating phase, where I really tried to find myself and figure out who I was and what I wanted out of my life. It wasn't easy, and it was a hard road to the self discovery that I so desperately needed, but I made it and figured out what I wanted in my life.
Now we arrive at July of 2006. There was a group of us that got together to discuss what we wanted to do/what needed done for our 10 year high school reunion. There were a bunch of people that I wanted to see after moving back from Massachusetts, so I opted to go. I was able to catch up with a few friends that I hadn't seen in several years, a couple that I even hadn't seen since high school. We were all sitting at a table getting ready to start the in depth discussion, and I saw someone walking over out of the corner of my eye.......and there he was. Hubby. He looked as good as I remember him looking, and he smiled at me and I was a goner. Lol. Hubby and I actually dated our freshman year. He was my first official boyfriend in high school. I broke up with him AT the Homecoming dance for his best friend. Yeah, I was horrible. Lol. Anyway, I digress....He and I ended up staying 2 hours after everyone else left, just talking and playing catch up on our lives since we'd seen one another last.
I told him of my divorce, he told me of his separation, and we parted ways with a hug and an exhange of phone numbers. He said he would stop by the gas station where I was working on his way to work the next day to say hi. He did, and then that night when he got off work, he stopped by my parents house and we ended up staying up all night long just talking. He kissed me goodbye when he left that morning, and we've been together ever since.
We moved in together 4 months later, in the middle of November, and everything was just going wonderfully. We loved living together, still do as a matter of fact, and we just really enjoyed being a newly in love couple. We went out with our friends, spent time with family, and were completely infatuated with one another.
In mid July of 2007, I woke up in the morning not feeling quite right. I had been on the depo shot, and hadn't had a period in over a year. I had spotted some the month before, and didn't really think a whole lot of it. So, when I got to looking at the calendar, I realized that I was about a week late....compared to the spotting that I'd had the month before. Hubby was asleep in bed, and I didn't want to wake him, so I decided to stop on my way to work and grab a pregnancy test. I took it when I got to work, and lo and behold, it was positive. I was TERRIFIED. We hadn't talked about that kind of thing, at all. I was so scared that he was going to flip out and take off....it was horrible. I somehow or other made it through the day at work, and told a few friends about the pregnancy, and then I went home. Hubby was at work, and was not home when I got there. I had no idea how I was going to tell him, so I opted to get a card, put the test in it, and leave it on our dining room table. I waited and waited for him to get home so that he would see it and we could talk about it.
He finally got home, and I was waiting in the bedroom for him, because I didn't want to see his face. I was SO nervous and scared. He went into the bathroom, and then came in the bedroom to change his clothes. I asked if he'd seen it, he said yeah, and I asked, "okay, so????" He said it was fine. I said so you aren't going to freak out on me? He said, and I quote, "I'm almost 30, why would I freak out? You are who I want to have a family with, so let's do it." I couldn't have been more thrilled. I got it confirmed, and we decided to tell parents. I was terrified to tell my parents, because we weren't married, but they were happy. Of course, my dad asked when we were going to get married, and I told him that it would have to wait until after the baby came.
About 2 weeks later, I went to work like normal. I had noticed when I got up and was getting ready that my breasts didn't feel quite as sore. I had to go to the bathroom, and when I got in there, I noticed the spotting. I FREAKED. I called the doctor's office, and they said it could be nothing, but since I was so worried that I could come in and they would check me out. I called Hubby and my parents, and my dad ended up meeting me at the doctor's office, because Hubby was at work and couldn't leave, and my mom couldn't come either. I waited for 1/2 of forever it seemed like, and finally got called back to a room. The doctor did a quick pelvic exam and said that my cervix was open and there was nothing he could do about it, that I was going to lose the baby and that it was just something that happened, and sent me on my way. There was no compassion, nothing. I was devastated. I called my mom and told her, got ahold of Hubby and let him know, and attempted to go back to work. Needless to say, that didn't work out well, so I went home and tried to stop thinking about it. Then the cramping started. I went through the contractions and bleeding and misery for about the next 4 or 5 hours before it eased up.
I was absolutely inconsolable for the next week or two. Nothing anyone said made me feel better, at all. I didn't know if I would ever be able to get over it. I was horrified at the thought of having sex and trying to have another baby. I mourned that baby, even though I had not seen the heartbeat or felt anything. All I had to go on was that positive pregnancy test, but in my mind, I pictured a baby with his ears, my eyes, his smile............and that dream was ripped from me. It was a horrific feeling, and the worst part was that I had no friends or family immediately around me that had any clue what it was like. I felt totally alone and had no idea how to deal with any of the emotions that were rattling around in my head. I couldn't eat, I didn't sleep, it took everything I had to peel myself off the couch and out of bed to shower and go to work.
We took a small weekend trip up to Elgin, IL for a softball tournament for the place that Hubby was working at the time, so that he could play with the team, but also to try and get me out of the funk that I fell into. It was a good trip, and I only lost it a couple times. But luckily for me, Hubby is the amazing man that he is, and he was right there by my side hugging me and holding me whenever I needed it.
About 3 weeks later, we decided that we would go ahead and try again. It was like I needed to try and replace the baby we lost, and the only thing that I wanted was another baby. I will have to continue the story on another night.
I am exhausted and need to get to bed, because I know my kiddos will be up at the butt crack of dawn.
Again, if you know someone that may benefit from hearing the story of someone that has been in their shoes, please send them my way. I hope to continue my story in the next day or two. It's a long one, so it'll take more than 1 more post....lol. So, I will end with saying stay safe and be blessed my friends, until we meet again.
I married my ex husband at the age of 20. He and I started dating in high school, my sophmore year to be exact. He was the guy who got my virginity, and because of how I was brought up, I figured that meant that I had to marry him. Looking back at things now, that was way off, but I wouldn't change the way things happened, at all. Our relationship was rocky at best, and it was not easy. We separated in 2003, for a couple of months. We went to marriage counselling, tried getting back together, and I found out I was pregnant. He was less than happy about it, and we fought and fought. He wanted me to "get rid of it." I refused, because I wanted nothing more than to be a mom, and so when I absolutely refused, he knocked me around so much that I lost the baby anyway. Our relationship was never the same after that. Things went downhill pretty fast, and in early 2004 I finally wised up and walked away. Our divorce was final on April 12, 2004.
I went through a dating phase, where I really tried to find myself and figure out who I was and what I wanted out of my life. It wasn't easy, and it was a hard road to the self discovery that I so desperately needed, but I made it and figured out what I wanted in my life.
Now we arrive at July of 2006. There was a group of us that got together to discuss what we wanted to do/what needed done for our 10 year high school reunion. There were a bunch of people that I wanted to see after moving back from Massachusetts, so I opted to go. I was able to catch up with a few friends that I hadn't seen in several years, a couple that I even hadn't seen since high school. We were all sitting at a table getting ready to start the in depth discussion, and I saw someone walking over out of the corner of my eye.......and there he was. Hubby. He looked as good as I remember him looking, and he smiled at me and I was a goner. Lol. Hubby and I actually dated our freshman year. He was my first official boyfriend in high school. I broke up with him AT the Homecoming dance for his best friend. Yeah, I was horrible. Lol. Anyway, I digress....He and I ended up staying 2 hours after everyone else left, just talking and playing catch up on our lives since we'd seen one another last.
I told him of my divorce, he told me of his separation, and we parted ways with a hug and an exhange of phone numbers. He said he would stop by the gas station where I was working on his way to work the next day to say hi. He did, and then that night when he got off work, he stopped by my parents house and we ended up staying up all night long just talking. He kissed me goodbye when he left that morning, and we've been together ever since.
We moved in together 4 months later, in the middle of November, and everything was just going wonderfully. We loved living together, still do as a matter of fact, and we just really enjoyed being a newly in love couple. We went out with our friends, spent time with family, and were completely infatuated with one another.
In mid July of 2007, I woke up in the morning not feeling quite right. I had been on the depo shot, and hadn't had a period in over a year. I had spotted some the month before, and didn't really think a whole lot of it. So, when I got to looking at the calendar, I realized that I was about a week late....compared to the spotting that I'd had the month before. Hubby was asleep in bed, and I didn't want to wake him, so I decided to stop on my way to work and grab a pregnancy test. I took it when I got to work, and lo and behold, it was positive. I was TERRIFIED. We hadn't talked about that kind of thing, at all. I was so scared that he was going to flip out and take off....it was horrible. I somehow or other made it through the day at work, and told a few friends about the pregnancy, and then I went home. Hubby was at work, and was not home when I got there. I had no idea how I was going to tell him, so I opted to get a card, put the test in it, and leave it on our dining room table. I waited and waited for him to get home so that he would see it and we could talk about it.
He finally got home, and I was waiting in the bedroom for him, because I didn't want to see his face. I was SO nervous and scared. He went into the bathroom, and then came in the bedroom to change his clothes. I asked if he'd seen it, he said yeah, and I asked, "okay, so????" He said it was fine. I said so you aren't going to freak out on me? He said, and I quote, "I'm almost 30, why would I freak out? You are who I want to have a family with, so let's do it." I couldn't have been more thrilled. I got it confirmed, and we decided to tell parents. I was terrified to tell my parents, because we weren't married, but they were happy. Of course, my dad asked when we were going to get married, and I told him that it would have to wait until after the baby came.
About 2 weeks later, I went to work like normal. I had noticed when I got up and was getting ready that my breasts didn't feel quite as sore. I had to go to the bathroom, and when I got in there, I noticed the spotting. I FREAKED. I called the doctor's office, and they said it could be nothing, but since I was so worried that I could come in and they would check me out. I called Hubby and my parents, and my dad ended up meeting me at the doctor's office, because Hubby was at work and couldn't leave, and my mom couldn't come either. I waited for 1/2 of forever it seemed like, and finally got called back to a room. The doctor did a quick pelvic exam and said that my cervix was open and there was nothing he could do about it, that I was going to lose the baby and that it was just something that happened, and sent me on my way. There was no compassion, nothing. I was devastated. I called my mom and told her, got ahold of Hubby and let him know, and attempted to go back to work. Needless to say, that didn't work out well, so I went home and tried to stop thinking about it. Then the cramping started. I went through the contractions and bleeding and misery for about the next 4 or 5 hours before it eased up.
I was absolutely inconsolable for the next week or two. Nothing anyone said made me feel better, at all. I didn't know if I would ever be able to get over it. I was horrified at the thought of having sex and trying to have another baby. I mourned that baby, even though I had not seen the heartbeat or felt anything. All I had to go on was that positive pregnancy test, but in my mind, I pictured a baby with his ears, my eyes, his smile............and that dream was ripped from me. It was a horrific feeling, and the worst part was that I had no friends or family immediately around me that had any clue what it was like. I felt totally alone and had no idea how to deal with any of the emotions that were rattling around in my head. I couldn't eat, I didn't sleep, it took everything I had to peel myself off the couch and out of bed to shower and go to work.
We took a small weekend trip up to Elgin, IL for a softball tournament for the place that Hubby was working at the time, so that he could play with the team, but also to try and get me out of the funk that I fell into. It was a good trip, and I only lost it a couple times. But luckily for me, Hubby is the amazing man that he is, and he was right there by my side hugging me and holding me whenever I needed it.
About 3 weeks later, we decided that we would go ahead and try again. It was like I needed to try and replace the baby we lost, and the only thing that I wanted was another baby. I will have to continue the story on another night.
I am exhausted and need to get to bed, because I know my kiddos will be up at the butt crack of dawn.
Again, if you know someone that may benefit from hearing the story of someone that has been in their shoes, please send them my way. I hope to continue my story in the next day or two. It's a long one, so it'll take more than 1 more post....lol. So, I will end with saying stay safe and be blessed my friends, until we meet again.
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