Tuesday, April 23, 2013

The road to mommyhood..........

Continues with pregnancy #2.  As I said the other night, we decided to try for another baby.  Things were cruising right along with Hubby (though he wasn't hubby at that point) and I, and I really wanted to expand the love we had to a baby.  We had talked about the possibility of getting married, and we knew that it was something we wanted to do, but we didn't want to rush into anything either.  We wanted to be able to pay for it all ourselves, especially since my parents were going to be moving out of state, and so we just kind of played it by ear if you will.

Hubby proposed on October 6th, 2007.  It was the night of the Homecoming football game for our high school and I really thought he was going to ask me AT the game....but he didn't.  He asked my dad's permission at the game, and then asked me later that night after we got home.  Of course I said yes, and I was thrilled.  His mom had given him a blue diamond to have set into a mounting to give to me, and it was/is absolutely beautiful.  I was so thrilled.  I still love it to this day.  That was a Friday.

On Monday, I got another positive pregnancy test.  I was terrified, but excited all at the same time.  I went to a different doctor, one who's bedside manner was a tiny bit better.  We told him what had happened with the last pregnancy, and he agreed to do a sonogram to see if we could see what was going on in there.  So, I undressed, and we saw nothing.  He scheduled us to come back in 2 weeks, and said that we could bring parents, if we wanted.  So we came back with my parents and Hubby's mom in tow.  We'd found out the previous December that Hubby's momhad cancer, so this was really important to her.  I undressed, got on the table and everyone came in.  Then we saw it......that little blip on the screen.....there was a flutter, and I cried.  Hubby had tears in his eyes, my mom cried, and so did his.  We didn't get to hear the heartbeat, at least I don't remember hearing it, but I felt SO much better that things were going to be better this time.

We went about our daily lives, and a couple weeks later, my sister in law (well, ex sister in law now.....) called me and told me that she was pregnant too, about 4 weeks ahead of me.  I was SO excited.  She and I were really close, and to be pregnant together was going to be just awesome.  Her and my brother were coming down the following week for Thanksgiving, and I was just thrilled.  Hubby & I went to the holiday party for my job that weekend, and things were great.  We had a nice time, and told our friends about the pregnancy, and just really enjoyed ourselves.

Monday, I came down with a cold, and just was feeling really crappy.  I came home from work, flat out exhausted and called in for the next day, because I didn't want to miss Wednesday since it was the day before Thanksgiving and if I did, I wouldn't get paid for the holiday.  Hubby was at work, and I went to the bathroom, and noticed some blood.  Immediately I freaked out (who wouldn't after going through a miscarriage 3 months prior) and called him to meet me at the emergency room.  My mom came with me until Hubby could get there.  We spent 6 HOURS in the ER, only to be told that they wouldn't do a sonogram because they didn't have the equipment (really??? It's a freaking hospital!!!!) and that my blood levels looked fine, my cervix was closed and it was probably nothing.  I was told to follow up with my doctor the next day and to not worry.  Needless to say, I didn't sleep at all that night.  I called my doctor first thing in the morning, and they got me in a couple hours later.  We went into the sono room, and the tech did the sono, said, "Give me just a minute" and left the room.  When the doctor came in, he said "I'm sorry, there's no heartbeat."  There were never more horrendous words spoken.  I was 9 weeks along, but my baby had died at 8 weeks 5 days.  I still feel the same pain in my heart when I think about it as I did that day.  I was scheduled for a d&c the following day.  So much for not missing work to ensure I got paid for the holiday.  I had the surgery, and felt completely destroyed.  I could hardly stand to be around my family, especially my sister in law, because she was pregnant too.  Thanksgiving was really hard, and it was just a real nightmare to have to try and put on a smile when I felt like I was dying inside.....hell, I was dying.  There was a piece of me that died when I was told there was no heartbeat.

Hubby and I endured 3 more miscarriages over the next 3 years.  We went to 6 different doctors by the time it was all said and done, and no one could tell me why this was happening.  There is no worse feeling than that of wanting a baby and getting pregnant and having that dream of becoming a mommy ripped out of your body.  I felt like less of a woman because I couldn't do the thing I was born to do....something that is supposed to just happen.  I felt like Hubby deserved someone that could make him the father he was so eager to become.

I was slipping into a huge depression, and could feel myself distancing from him.  I didn't want him to touch me, because I was terrified of getting pregnant and losing it again.  I had SO many procedures done to try and figure out what could be causing the losses, and there was never an answer.  In one of my more desperately lost moments I told Hubby that I would completely understand if he wanted to leave me.  He deserved to be a daddy, and that was something that I obviously couldn't give him.  He said something to me that night that has stuck with me and made me love him all the more.....he said, "I didn't marry your uterus.  There are other ways we can become parents."  He couldn't have been more supportive during everything that we went through.  It was amazing, and I was and still am SO blessed that he chose me to spend his life with.

Anyway, we decided to look into becoming foster parents, and went through the classes and got licensed.  I got on an "I want to be healthier" kick and quit smoking, we started eating better, the whole nine yards.  We had kept in touch with our licensing worker, almost weekly, to see if they had any word of a placement for us.  I got laid off from my job on June 30th of 2010, which was devastating for me, because I really liked the place I was working.  The boss was kind of a jerk, but I liked the office environment.  I enjoyed being at home collecting unemployment though.....lol.  It wasn't ideal, but hey...it still paid the bills.

Then on August 2nd, we got the phone call that would change so much in our lives.........................

But again, for now, this is it.  I have to get up early, and it's late, and my girl is coughing and coughing, so I need to give her some medicine.

I hope I'm not boring you all too much.....this story is long, I know, but it's what has made me who I am.

So, for now, sweet dreams.  Stay safe and be blessed my friends....until we meet again.


  1. I love you, and I am glad you shared your story so far... but I LOVE the next part of the story, so HURRY UP AND SHARE IT.
    I'm a selfish, terrible friend. ;)

  2. My oldest friend....I am getting there. Lol I love you too. ;)

  3. LOL well now your Oldest friend has peaked my interest.. Come to the Kingdom.. your room awaits you. heck bring your oldest friend with ya.. lol