Monday, April 22, 2013

The beginning......................

So, to start the "series" of blog posts that I have planned in my head, I suppose I need to start at the beginning.......or maybe it would be better stated to give you a little bit of background on myself.

I married my ex husband at the age of 20.  He and I started dating in high school, my sophmore year to be exact.  He was the guy who got my virginity, and because of how I was brought up, I figured that meant that I had to marry him.  Looking back at things now, that was way off, but I wouldn't change the way things happened, at all.  Our relationship was rocky at best, and it was not easy.  We separated in 2003, for a couple of months.  We went to marriage counselling, tried getting back together, and I found out I was pregnant.  He was less than happy about it, and we fought and fought.  He wanted me to "get rid of it."  I refused, because I wanted nothing more than to be a mom, and so when I absolutely refused, he knocked me around so much that I lost the baby anyway.  Our relationship was never the same after that.  Things went downhill pretty fast, and in early 2004 I finally wised up and walked away.  Our divorce was final on April 12, 2004. 

I went through a dating phase, where I really tried to find myself and figure out who I was and what I wanted out of my life.  It wasn't easy, and it was a hard road to the self discovery that I so desperately needed, but I made it and figured out what I wanted in my life.

Now we arrive at July of 2006.  There was a group of us that got together to discuss what we wanted to do/what needed done for our 10 year high school reunion.  There were a bunch of people that I wanted to see after moving back from Massachusetts, so I opted to go.  I was able to catch up with a few friends that I hadn't seen in several years, a couple that I even hadn't seen since high school.  We were all sitting at a table getting ready to start the in depth discussion, and I saw someone walking over out of the corner of my eye.......and there he was.  Hubby.  He looked as good as I remember him looking, and he smiled at me and I was a goner.  Lol.  Hubby and I actually dated our freshman year.  He was my first official boyfriend in high school.  I broke up with him AT the Homecoming dance for his best friend.  Yeah, I was horrible.  Lol.  Anyway, I digress....He and I ended up staying 2 hours after everyone else left, just talking and playing catch up on our lives since we'd seen one another last.

I told him of my divorce, he told me of his separation, and we parted ways with a hug and an exhange of phone numbers.  He said he would stop by the gas station where I was working on his way to work the next day to say hi.  He did, and then that night when he got off work, he stopped by my parents house and we ended up staying up all night long just talking.  He kissed me goodbye when he left that morning, and we've been together ever since.

We moved in together 4 months later, in the middle of November, and everything was just going wonderfully.  We loved living together, still do as a matter of fact, and we just really enjoyed being a newly in love couple.  We went out with our friends, spent time with family, and were completely infatuated with one another.

In mid July of 2007, I woke up in the morning not feeling quite right.  I had been on the depo shot, and hadn't had a period in over a year.  I had spotted some the month before, and didn't really think a whole lot of it.  So, when I got to looking at the calendar, I realized that I was about a week late....compared to the spotting that I'd had the month before.  Hubby was asleep in bed, and I didn't want to wake him, so I decided to stop on my way to work and grab a pregnancy test.  I took it when I got to work, and lo and behold, it was positive.  I was TERRIFIED.  We hadn't talked about that kind of thing, at all.  I was so scared that he was going to flip out and take was horrible.  I somehow or other made it through the day at work, and told a few friends about the pregnancy, and then I went home.  Hubby was at work, and was not home when I got there.  I had no idea how I was going to tell him, so I opted to get a card, put the test in it, and leave it on our dining room table.  I waited and waited for him to get home so that he would see it and we could talk about it.

He finally got home, and I was waiting in the bedroom for him, because I didn't want to see his face.  I was SO nervous and scared.  He went into the bathroom, and then came in the bedroom to change his clothes.  I asked if he'd seen it, he said yeah, and I asked, "okay, so????" He said it was fine.  I said so you aren't going to freak out on me?  He said, and I quote, "I'm almost 30, why would I freak out?  You are who I want to have a family with, so let's do it."  I couldn't have been more thrilled.  I got it confirmed, and we decided to tell parents.  I was terrified to tell my parents, because we weren't married, but they were happy.  Of course, my dad asked when we were going to get married, and I told him that it would have to wait until after the baby came.

About 2 weeks later, I went to work like normal.  I had noticed when I got up and was getting ready that my breasts didn't feel quite as sore.  I had to go to the bathroom, and when I got in there, I noticed the spotting.  I FREAKED.  I called the doctor's office, and they said it could be nothing, but since I was so worried that I could come in and they would check me out.  I called Hubby and my parents, and my dad ended up meeting me at the doctor's office, because Hubby was at work and couldn't leave, and my mom couldn't come either.  I waited for 1/2 of forever it seemed like, and finally got called back to a room.  The doctor did a quick pelvic exam and said that my cervix was open and there was nothing he could do about it, that I was going to lose the baby and that it was just something that happened, and sent me on my way.  There was no compassion, nothing.  I was devastated.  I called my mom and told her, got ahold of Hubby and let him know, and attempted to go back to work.  Needless to say, that didn't work out well, so I went home and tried to stop thinking about it.  Then the cramping started.  I went through the contractions and bleeding and misery for about the next 4 or 5 hours before it eased up.

I was absolutely inconsolable for the next week or two.  Nothing anyone said made me feel better, at all.  I didn't know if I would ever be able to get over it.  I was horrified at the thought of having sex and trying to have another baby.  I mourned that baby, even though I had not seen the heartbeat or felt anything.  All I had to go on was that positive pregnancy test, but in my mind, I pictured a baby with his ears, my eyes, his smile............and that dream was ripped from me.  It was a horrific feeling, and the worst part was that I had no friends or family immediately around me that had any clue what it was like.  I felt totally alone and had no idea how to deal with any of the emotions that were rattling around in my head.  I couldn't eat, I didn't sleep, it took everything I had to peel myself off the couch and out of bed to shower and go to work.

We took a small weekend trip up to Elgin, IL for a softball tournament for the place that Hubby was working at the time, so that he could play with the team, but also to try and get me out of the funk that I fell into.  It was a good trip, and I only lost it a couple times.  But luckily for me, Hubby is the amazing man that he is, and he was right there by my side hugging me and holding me whenever I needed it. 

About 3 weeks later, we decided that we would go ahead and try again.  It was like I needed to try and replace the baby we lost, and the only thing that I wanted was another baby.  I will have to continue the story on another night.

I am exhausted and need to get to bed, because I know my kiddos will be up at the butt crack of dawn. 

Again, if you know someone that may benefit from hearing the story of someone that has been in their shoes, please send them my way.  I hope to continue my story in the next day or two.  It's a long one, so it'll take more than 1 more  So, I will end with saying stay safe and be blessed my friends, until we meet again.

No comments:

Post a Comment