Staying up too late...

Again.

I have a bad tendency of staying up way later than I should, especially on nights when I have stuff to do the next day and should be getting a good amount of sleep.  I have a job interview tomorrow at a gas station here in town, which isn't my ideal job, but hey....it's a paycheck, it'll help pay the bills, and get me out of the house some.

I'm still continuing to make some changes with the blog.  Give me some feedback and let me know what you think!!! ;)

I'm going to make this another short one, because I am so tired....I will hopefully get a good update in to you guys tomorrow. <3

Light, love and Sister Wives. ;)  Night all!

Changes...some subtle, some not so much..........

So, I've made a few changes here and there.....just in case you didn't notice. :P I'm trying to find my groove, so to speak, and felt like there were some tweaks (not like Miley...or was that twerks?) that needed to be made.

I am still brand new to all of this really, so forgive me while I tweak away and try and find my proper groove. ;)

It's been a long day, and tomorrow is going to be just as long, if not longer.  I have to work tomorrow, which I'm thankful for the money, but I don't really like working on Saturdays when Hubby is home.  It's only every other, so it's not like it is every weekend, but it kind of throws my week off some.....

I am going to keep this SUPER short, because I am TIRED, and I need to get some sleep so that I'm well rested for work tomorrow.  I promise you guys will get more out of me soon....once I find a good groove.

Until then, love, light and Oreo cookies! :)

Football, ice cream and pondering

It's been a long couple of days here in FTM-land.  I'm really not complaining, because I've gotten out of the house for the last 3 days for several hours each day, and I've gotten some adult time each time I've gotten out of the house.  That has been REALLY nice.

Tuesday was the first MOPS meeting.  MOPS is a Mothers Of PreSchoolers group, and let me tell you....I am SO thankful that I found this group.  SO thankful.  It was a room full of moms who are either in the same boat as me (stay home with kiddos all day long, every day) or have been there, done that, got the t-shirt.  I knew I wasn't alone, because hello...I have friends, but it was nice to meet some other moms who live in the same town or close.  My friends are all scattered across the country, and so I don't really have any one that I can call and say, "hey...come over and have a cup of coffee with me while the kids run amok."  Until we moved to TX, I would call Rose and her and I would do just that.  Even when we went to IL for a visit, her and I did just that....I went over there, we let the kids play and do their thing, and we sat and drank our coffee and chit chatted.......it was awesome.  I'm hoping that in going to this group, I will find one or several moms that I can call and say, "Hey...come have a cup of coffee with me and let's let the kids run amok."  I crave that kind of friendship, and I'm really hoping that I hit it off with someone in order to do that.  It would be REALLY nice to have that friend that gets where I'm coming from, can hang out with me, or let me come over and hang out while Hubby works, we could swap babysitting....it would just be nice.

Wednesday I worked for a couple hours, while Billy stayed here with the kiddos.  I REALLY need to find daycare, because Billy just isn't as patient with my kids as someone else would be.  And it's not exactly his fault, because of the PTSD, but I worry about him losing his temper and I would just NOT be okay with that.  My client is 94 almost 95 years old, and I REALLY enjoy working with her.  She can be a bit abrasive, but I really think that it is a bit of a defense mechanism for her.  Once you get to know her, she's sweet as can be, and I really, really enjoy working with her.  It not only gets me out of the house for 3 hours every other week, but it gets HER out too.  At least I have my kids at home to entertain (and frustrate) me, but she's in her home alone.  That HAS to be hard....I don't know that I could handle it long term like she has............I just don't know.

Today was Bible study day.  I REALLY enjoy this group.  The facilitator is just awesome.  She was also at the MOPS meeting on Tuesday, so it was nice having a few familiar faces when I walked in Tuesday morning...another lady from CBS (the Bible study) was at MOPS too.  Cookie colored a picture and made a caterpillar in her class today too.  She was little miss crabby butt though, and has been for the last couple days.....not quite sure what that's all about.  Muscles was excited to see me, which was pretty awesome.  He crawled between the legs of another mom picking up her little one to get to me.....I laughed.  We are studying the book of Acts, and I'm really enjoying it and hope that I'm learning something along the way too.

Hubby and I are watching the Broncos/Ravens game that's on TV tonight.  I LOVE football season.  I just love it.  I have always been a football loving girl...ever since I can remember.  I get that from my Daddy.  And I'm fairly certain that Cookie is going to inherit it from HER Daddy too. :)  She climbed up in Hubby's lap and was laying JUST like him.  I would post the picture, but my phone is being a jerk, so I can't get it........I'll likely post it to my Facebook page when I'm done with the blog though, so look for it there. ;)  Anyway, shortly after the game started, we put the kids to bed, and Hubby decided that he wanted some ice cream, so I ran to DQ and got it.  The kids that work up there really need to learn how to deal with customers because HOLY CRAP.  I have worked fast food, so I know how tiring and difficult it can be.  I do.  But come on.....it was only a little after 8 pm, so not really late at all, considering they are open til 10, and the kid couldn't manage to #1 get my order when I repeated it TWICE, and #2 make it right.  I am NOT one to complain (ask anyone who knows me...I don't like confrontation AT ALL), but I was pretty irked.  I went inside and the kid looked like a deer in the headlights.  I complained to the manager, who seemed like she didn't want to be at work either, and they fixed the issue....barely.  So, I came home, ate my ice cream in peace, and complained to Hubby. :P

I've been contemplating a whole lot here recently, and just added something else to the mix. ;) I have heard about Blogger Idol, off and on, since it's conception in I think it was 2011....it may have been 2010...I don't remember.  My pal over at Non-Stop Mom is a judge.  I've been thinking about maybe auditioning for it and seeing how it goes.  But, I dunno.  I don't know if my writing is strong enough to warrant me auditioning.  But at the same time, it would give my teeny tiny blog some exposure, and maybe hook me up with some more followers.  So, I don't know.

I've also been thinking about asking a couple of my other blogger buddies if they would do a guest post for me.  Not sure on what, so that's something that I'm going to have to give a lot more thought.  We'll see what happens.

This has been an awful wordy post tonight....quite unusual for me here lately, but it was nice being able to sit down at the computer and type it all out and kind of start getting some thoughts rolling and in place.  It's a time consuming process, but one that is necessary.  I'm still trying to figure out where I wanna go and how I wanna get there, and if you guys will hold on for the ride, we'll end up at the top, I'm certain! :)

So, for tonight I'll end with saying love, light and football.  Have a great evening, and until next time, remember you are loved. <3

Content and struggling all at the same time.................

It's been one hell of a day today.  Lots of good things going on, some stressful things, some not so good things, but, ya know............

Started MOPS today, and I have to say, it was awesome!! :) I really think I'm going to enjoy going and getting the kids out of the house, and I think that I will hopefully make some friends from this.  There were quite a few women there today, and I look forward to going back in 2 weeks.

I have to work in the morning, and then again on Saturday, so it's going to be a busy weekend, for sure.  We need to go grocery shopping on Sunday since we can't go Saturday.  That's always a not fun thing.

I have a friend that is in a tough spot right now, and could use all the prayers and good vibes that she can get.  I can't go into details at all, for a multitude of reasons, but I would appreciate it if you guys would just think of her and pray that God's will in her life be done.  It's a difficult thing for her, and I worry, I'm concerned, and sadly there is nothing that I can do about any of it. *sigh*  All I can do is be there to listen, and send prayers and love and so that's what I will continue to do.

I know this is short, but man, I'm TIRED.  I didn't sleep well last night, and with having to work in the morning, I should get to bed and crash.  I'm sure throughout the rest of the week, I will have more to tell you about my week.

I'm still working on trying to figure out how to get a support group going, or if it would even be something that would be beneficial.  My brain is going a million miles a minute when it comes to that, so we'll see how it goes.

Peace, love and puppy kisses. <3 Until next time, sleep well my friends.

Ideas rattling around in my brain...................................

I should completely be in bed, because I am EXHAUSTED, but I can't seem to get my brain to shut off long enough to wind down in order to go to bed.

I have so many ideas running around up there, about things I need to do, things I want to get done, and something I am thinking about trying to get together, and I just can't seem to get things to form cohesive enough thoughts to write it down and let it go for now.

I have homework for the bible study that started today.  I was absolutely THRILLED after getting there and starting.  I think I am REALLY going to like this study.  The facilitator is fantastic, everyone was so nice, and the kids had a really nice time.  They really seemed to enjoy themselves, and they got to play with a bunch of toys and other kids.  Neither Cookie nor Muscles have had much interaction with other kids, simply because I stay home and they don't go to daycare.  It was really nice to get some adult time and not have to say "Stop that" or "quit it" or "Don't hit your brother!"

The "company" that does this study has different groups all over the world, and it seems like it is very well put together, and so I'm really looking forward to expanding my relationship with God through this group.  I'm excited to see what He has in store for me on this journey.

I'm looking forward to the beginning of next week too.  On Tuesday, I am going to a MOPS group.  MOPS is a mothers of pre-schoolers program.  It's somewhat like a mom's support group.....and something that I have been desperately needing....adult contact with women who have kids that are the same age as mine so that I have something in common with them.  The kids will get to interact with other kids, again, and I'm really hopeful that maybe I will make some friends.  No one could ever replace Rose, for sure, but I need some friends here that I can have over for coffee or meet for lunch or have a playdate with.....SOMETHING.  It gets so lonely being at home all day by myself, and hanging out with my mom is okay, but....I need some friends.  So, I'm hopeful that someone in either the MOPS group or the bible study and I will hit it off and I will make that friendship that I so desperately need.

Now, for the thing I've thought about trying to start..............I've been tossing around the idea of trying to start a miscarriage support group.  I just don't know where to begin.  Or how to begin....how to get the word out...nothing.  But it's something that I really feel would be a good idea.  Another thing I am not sure of is if it would be well received in the town I live in....it's a small town, although there are several towns that are a bit bigger not terribly far from here........I need to do some more research on it and see what I can figure out.  If anyone has any ideas or knows anyone who has any ideas, please lemme know.  I just have no clue where to start, but it's something that I feel could be very valuable.  I wish something like that would have been available for me......

Anyway...on that note, I am going to head to bed.  Cookie has been getting up pretty early, and I've not been sleeping all that stellar, so I need to make the most out of what I get.  We'll talk more soon, and I'll keep talking out my ideas here, and maybe ya'll can help me get things off the ground. ;)

Been a bit.....

So, it's been a week or so since my last post........time just completely gets away from me sometimes.  I suppose that's what happens when you have a 1 & 2 year old! :P

I've been talking off and on about going through my miscarriages and the effect that it's had on me and my emotions.  I'm not 100% sure what direction I really want to go, other than I want to let other women and men know that they are not alone in their struggles if they've suffered this kind of a loss.

One of the hardest things for me to I guess realize about my miscarriages is that there wasn't anything that I could have done to prevent them.  It's just something that happens.  Is it fair?  Oh hell no.  Does that make it any easier to deal with?  Nope.  But it's just something that for one reason or another happens.  I blamed everything under the sun for what was happening to me.  I blamed God, my uterus, my smoking, the sunshine on a particularly cloudy day...you name it, I blamed it.  The biggest thing that I blamed though, was God.

I couldn't for the life of me understand why a God who was supposed to be loving and caring would put me through all of what I was going through.  I was furious.  I hurt, and I didn't understand why it was happening to me.  It seemed like every time I turned around someone I knew was popping up pregnant.

I prayed for answers that never came, and that just made my heart break more.  I wanted to know what was causing me to lose my babies, and the answer never came.  I went through months of testing with no conclusive answers, and that just bothered me more than anything.....I didn't know how to fix what was broken.

I felt like my husband deserved someone better....someone that wasn't broken and could give him the children that he deserved to be a father to.  He told me something that I will never forget as long as I live....something that every time I think about, I can hear him saying the words.  I was having a bad day/night/week, and was nit picking a fight with him.  I told him that he deserved someone that could make him a dad, because obviously I couldn't, and he said, "I love YOU.  I didn't marry your uterus.  I married YOU because you make me complete."  I was so completely humbled in that moment....and it definitely helped me get through the rough patch that I was in at the time.

My relationship with God has taken a beating, and I'm slowly working on repairing it.  It's a slow road, one that I want to make sure I examine completely and that I don't miss anything.  I've stuffed many of the feelings away, and I'm hoping that as I go through this process that I will be able to handle them all.

Having both of my kiddos definitely helped heal my heart in ways that I didn't know was possible.  I still have a ways to go, but I've gotten to a point where helping others through the initial broken-ness is helping me.

I volunteer as a Woman Of Empowerment for an amazing organization called Miscarriage Matters.  I email with women who are in the midst of their losses and going through those emotions that I didn't have anyone to help me sort through.  I find that I am able to offer a shoulder where they may not have anyone to help them sort through the emotions.  I feel like my miscarriages were not in vain, and I feel like I am making a difference to someone even if it is in the smallest measure.

I want to make a difference....and I hope that I'm doing that, however small it may be.

Until next time, my friends, may there be light and love on your path. <3

It's the end of Summer..................

Which means that my nephews had to go back to Illinois and to their mother's.  It was definitely a bittersweet day for me.  They are sometimes difficult to deal with, and they don't listen to anyone EVER, but I was still sad to see them go.  They will be back in December for Christmas, which will be nice.  So, for the next 4 months, it'll just be me, Hubby, Cookie, Muscles and Billy.  It's going to be much quieter around here.

So, today is "The Day Of Hope." It's a day for those of us mothers who have lost a baby or struggle with infertility to remember what we've lost, and to remind us that there is always hope.  I feel very blessed that I was lucky enough to go on and have 2 beautiful babies of my own, and I count those blessings every day, because I know that there are so many women out there that still long for what I have.  It was a long and difficult road to get here.

When I look back on the years that Hubby and I struggled, I am amazed at the strength that I found within myself.  But I didn't go through that time alone....Hubby was an AMAZING source of support for me.  I didn't really have anyone in my life that really GOT what I was going through at the time.

I am so blessed that Hubby is the amazing man that he is, because without him, I don't know that I would have gotten through things as well as I did.

I am going to have to stop here for the night, because I am flat out exhausted.........it's been a long day.  I will get my thoughts gathered and will get a better post out to you all soon, I promise.

Peace, love and snickers my friends.  Until next time.