Sunday, June 19, 2011

One of these days...

I will learn that I need to go to bed at a decent hour.....especially seeing that I have a 2 month old daughter that's been in bed since about 9 and will likely be up at oh, about 4 or so......hopefully she'll sleep longer than that.

Joe found a job through a temp agency working at a factory.  It's only a 3 week position, but he's got the chance of it turning into a different position at the same factory making more an hour, so we're going to hope and pray that things go super well and that he is able to stay on and move into the other position.  He has orientation tomorrow, and then will likely start on Monday.  I'm so excited for him, and that will buy me a bit of time before I have to beat pavement to find a job.  I struggle everyday with the thought of having to leave my lil one to go back to work, because there's going to be so much that I'm going to miss.....but I know that there's no way around it.  It's just something that I'm going to have to deal with.

Man....I started this 2 days ago, never finished it, and so now I'm coming back to it...after midnight AGAIN, and I have to be up at 6:15 tomorrow morning....bleh.

Ava's being baptized tomorrow morning, which I'm excited about.  But yet, I find myself up and unable to sleep.  It's almost 2 am, and I just can't seem to get in the frame of mind that I need to go to bed.  It's like my brain won't shut off.  At this point, I wonder if there's really any point in me going to bed at all.  I hate when I get like this, because I usually end up crabby as hell the next day.  I worry about so much anymore...whether I'm a good mom, what I need to do to improve, if I'm crazy for going back to school with a brand new baby, if I'm going to find a job, how we're going to support ourselves and our daughter, if we made the right decision in moving to Texas..................I feel so overwhelmed sometimes, and all I want to do is sit and cry, but I have no quiet, private place to do it, so I don't.  I don't ever get ME time anymore...and there's part of me that's okay with it, because I've wanted to be a mom for SO long....and so that part of me feels SO guilty every time I let someone else feed or change her.........but I HAVE to, because otherwise I know I will go completely insane.  I had to stop nursing her, because after we moved, I got lazy and it was easier for me to just give her a bottle than it was to go into another room to nurse so I would have some privacy.  I really wanted to nurse her until she was a year old, and so I feel like I failed her, because I didn't.  I have really been struggling with it the last week or so, because she's been so gassy on the formula, and I feel like if I hadn't let myself get so damn lazy, she wouldn't be gassy and fussy and upset as much as she is. 

I try and put on a happy face, but all the while inside I'm just sad.  I'm not sad about anything in particular, just sad in general.  I don't feel like I'm going to hurt myself or Ava, so no one worry (although I don't know why I said's not like anyone ever really reads this thing anyways.......).  I sometimes feel like I'm standing in the middle of a crowded room, screaming at the top of my lungs, and no one hears me.  I feel lost, like I don't know what my purpose is.  I don't really know how to explain it any better.

I just wish I had a better handle on things.  And it drives me bonkers that I don't.

Ava's being baptized tomorrow, on Father's Day.  I was baptized on Father's Day in 1979.  32 years ago....that's insane.  She's going to wear the same gown that I did.  I am so excited for that.  I can't wait to see who she's going to become as she grows up.  I am so blessed........I wish I could see that more.

I suppose I really should get off this stupid computer and get to bed.  4 hours of sleep is NOT going to be enough, but what choice do I have really?  I shouldn't have stayed up this late in the first place....because now I'm going to be crabby....oye.

Good night


  1. I just wanted to say how proud of you I am. You're doing so much with your life right now. Raising a beautiful little girl, educating yourself (as awful as those assignments can be), and getting back to work. You're an amazing woman and I love you. Just wanted you to know.

  2. Thanks, Fire. There are days that I question my sanity for everything that I've taken on. But I am trying to make things better for my family, and that's what counts, right?