Saturday, May 7, 2011

The wonder and amazement of being a Mommy...........

I've never felt/experienced anything quite like it.  It's wonderful, confusing, scary and exciting all at the same time.  I feel SO blessed to have this amazing gift bestowed upon me.

I had one hell of a road to get to this point though.  I shouldn't say I...I should say WE, because Hubby was right there in the midst of the devastation with me.  3 1/2 years and 5 miscarriages will definitely change a person, that's for sure.  That in and of itself gives me an entirely different outlook on having my beautiful daughter sleeping on my chest right now.

I had seriously all but given up on the thought that I would ever be a mother.  It was SO difficult, because I knew without a shadow of a doubt that Hubby would make a WONDERFUL father, and it was KILLING me that I couldn't give him a child that we both wanted so desperately.  I don't think anyone can really understand what it's like to go through it unless they have been in those shoes.  As much as several of my friends tried to be sympathetic and understanding, they just didn't GET it.  And I would NEVER wish my nightmare on anyone.  It's something that I wish no one in the world ever had to experience, because it's absolutely awful.

Hubby was definitely my rock through it all.  Without him, I don't know what would have happened to me.  I have heard of recurrent losses ripping couples apart, but very luckily for me, it only strengthened our relationship.  It sounds strange, but I think it gave us a much deeper appreciation for one another.  We were able to connect through the sorrow in a way that I don't think we would have been able to otherwise.  He saw me at my worst, when I was in the deepest, darkest hole that I'd ever found myself in, and he continued to love me.  He made me feel like it would be okay if it was just the 2 of us.  Neither of us wanted that, so we decided to pursue foster parenting, which was wonderful as well.  We got our first placement the week we found out we were pregnant, which was an experience in and of itself.  We had talked about adoption at some point if it was going to prove necessary, and it was wonderful knowing that Hubby was completely on board with my wants and desires.  It gave me a new appreciation for him.

And now that Lil Lady is here...........I have an all new appreciation for him once again.  I didn't think it was possible for me to love him more than the day we got married, and then I looked at him when the midwife asked if he was going to cut the umbilical cord.  I get tears in my eyes merely thinking about that moment.  It's hard to believe that it's been 5 1/2 weeks since our beautiful daughter entered the world and our lives.  She has completely taken over everything.  I look at him when he's holding her and talking to her, and I fall in love with him all over again.  I am so grateful to him for giving me her, it's just unbelievable.

I finally feel whole.  I feel like I have been given the most amazing gifts that God has ever bestowed on anyone.  First, He gave me the most amazing husband I could have ever asked for.  He makes me laugh and smile, even when I think that there's nothing to laugh or smile about.  Then, He blessed me with my beautiful daughter.  I never completely understood when mother's would say having a child is like watching your heart walk around outside your body, and now I do.  It's amazing to me that I could love someone so much that I just met.  The love that I feel for Lil Lady outweighs anything and everything that I have ever felt. I know without a shadow of a doubt that I would put myself in danger to protect her and save her.  I know that I will hover and protect her all the days of her life.  It's the best kind of unconditional love that ever existed.

I hope I've not bored you all to tears with all my gushing about my wonderful husband and beautiful daughter. I have just honestly never been this happy and satisfied in my entire life.

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